Sandypalooza: Sandra Bullock Reveals Adoption, Announces Jesse James Divorce, Cures Cancer in Her Spare Time
Sandra Bullock is the center of the universe today, thanks to a People magazine exclusive that not only confirms her long-assumed intention to divorce Jesse James, but reveals that for the last few months she has been the proud mother of an adopted boy. And the most shocking thing about this mindblowing string of revelations? The kid she adopted isn’t from some impoverished African or Asian nation but is instead from New Orleans. Yes celebrities, there are actually orphan children in America, amazing as that may seem. Once again, Sandy shows every other famous person how it’s done. At this point, everyone has entirely forgotten that for years Sandy’s name was synonymous with crappy movies and little else. Not only is Sandy now America’s Sweetheart, she is threatening to retire the term “America’s Sweetheart” for all times. After Sandy, people who achieve a similar status will have to come up with a new title: “America’s Honeybunch” or “America’s Big Ol’ Tub of Awesome.” Of course, every time Sandy goes up a notch in popularity, Jesse James sinks a little deeper into the tarpit of despisedness. Soon he will be mired in the pit forever, with no hope of climbing back to even Andy Dick levels. And I think everyone agrees that he deserves it, the no-self-discipline-having, freak-humping fraud.
Filed Under: Features
