Mel Gibson Advice Column: Dear Mel

Dear Mel,

I have a real problem with my wife and I don’t know who else to turn to. I have a beautiful wife with a sexy accent. I love her to the very depths of my soul but she did something last night I find almost unforgivable.

We were hanging out around the house when I decided it would be fun to hop in the Jacuzzi. I asked her if she wanted to join me and she said she would. I told her I just needed a couple of minutes and that I would be right back.

I went to my bar and started making myself a drink. I need to make myself good and smashed before I remove any clothing in front of this woman because I am very insecure about my aging, sagging body. My slowly developing “man tits” are especially worrisome.

Anyway, after 4 hours of drinking myself into a stupor and watching Brave Heart on VHS, I went out to the Jacuzzi. But she wasn’t there! I looked all over the house and eventually found her lying atop the bed in her bikini asleep! The dumb bitch actually fell asleep waiting for me. She didn’t even give me a blow job first! I felt a serious rage come over be but I was too chicken to do anything about it for fear of losing her.

What can I do to set her straight?

Sincerely,

Blitzed in Boca Raton

Dear Blitzed,

I feel your pain. How dare she. How DARE she fall asleep without giving you a blow job. She is obviously a F**CKIN STUPID WHORE BITCH GOLD DIGGER

Let me tell you something and I want you to listen because I am only going to say this once.

YOU DESERVE A BLOW JOB BEFORE BED EVERY NIGHT! You heart me? EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

She clearly has no soul. How could someone who is so soulless ever connect with you on a deep and spiritual level?

Here is what I recommend. Next time she falls asleep and fails to blow you, wake her and threaten to force sex upon her and then burn down the house with her inside. That should straighten her out.

Sincerely,

Dear Mel,

I am in a pickle.

My incredibly sexy and way out of my league girlfriend is dressing too proactively. If she keeps parading around like this she is sure to soon realize I am a washed up old alcoholic and that she can do much, much better.

I wanted to slap her around a little bit to put her in her place but she is always holding our baby.

What should I do?

Regards,

Abuser in Atlanta

Dear Abuser,

That slut. That filthy, dirty SLUT!   You run around, bending over backwards and tying your balls in a knot for her and she repays you by walking around in tight and skimpy clothes?

She doesn’t respect YOU! She doesn’t give a damn. She is a coward. The stupid whore is trying to hide behind your child.

Don’t let that stop you! If she is holding that loud little pig and you need to teach her a lesson, tee off on her! Break her F**KING TEETH. YOU HEAR ME? If that baby gets hurt it is HER FAULT for being such a GOLD DIGGING, SLUT BAG!

If that doesn’t teach her, ride a horse through here bedroom door and smash her headin with a giant steel ball on the end of a chain.

Good luck,

Dear Mel,

My wife left me. I want to murder her but I am not sure where to hide the body.

Any ideas?

Thanks. Say hi to Danny Glover for me,

Murderous in Maryland

Dear Murderous,

Burry the body in the rose garden. I find it is a wonder hiding spot and as she decomposes, your roses will flourish.

Don’t forget to wear gloves, those thorns can really get you!

Sincerely,

Dear Mel,

As a woman, I think you, your movies and this column you’ve started writing are the most horrific things in existence.

You are nothing but a low down, sexist, racist, scumbag. I hope the authorities take your children away from you. I hope the women you have abused and threatened sue you for every last cent and when you die, I hope you rot in hell.

And I hope you die soon.

From:

Disgusted in Denver

P.S. Man Without A Face is probably the worst movie ever made. Thanks for that.

Dear Disgusted,

What the F**K do you know, huh? I see what is really going on here. You are a dirty slut and you want to blow me. If you really hated me so much, you wouldn’t be writing me love letters.

Don’t try to argue with me. I KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT! Do you understand that? I can hear their F**KING THOUGHTS!

And do you know what I hear in YOUR THOUGHTS? I hear you thinking, “I’m a DIRTY WHORE WITH NO FRIENDS AND I WANT TO BLOW MEL AND GET ALL HIS MONEY!”

Whore! You’d do me in 5 seconds! Nay, in 3 seconds!

What are you doing next Friday? Call me. 555-347-9856

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