NFL Week 5 Recap, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

Photo Sep 30, 5 28 14 PM

Jaguars at Rams

If you rip the band-aid off quickly it hurts less, right?  These tears can’t last forever, right?

Jacksonville will win a game this year, right?  Jacksonville is a terrible mistress, she gets you all excited, HOLY COW WE SCORED ON A PASS PLAY! She allows you to feel a strange feeling you are unaccustomed too.  Something happens with your mouth, the corners turn upward, you begin to show teeth.  You may make the spontaneous sounds and movements of the face and body that are the instinctive expressions of lively amusement, this is called “laughter” I think.  The Jaguars had the lead at the end of the third.  THE LEAD. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I JUST SAID?  THE JAGUARS HAD A LEAD.  I found myself thinking a ludicrous thought, “maybe this is the game we win?”

And that’s when it happens, the Jaguars Jaguar.  Oh Blaine Gabbert, you make me pine for Byron Leftwich. Blaine started throwing picks, we started fumbling, and then… tragedy. Luke Joeckel, our beloved #2 pick in this years draft, broke his ankle.  WHY FOOTBALL GODS? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?

The Jags went on to make Sam Bradford look like a real live boy.  St. Louis crushed us.  We are going to do it guys, we are going to have the perfect season of losses, 0-16.  No draft pick is worth this.

Chiefs at Titans

Like a lot of Jags fans I pick a #2 team each year.  It’s kind of like a blood transfusion that keeps my wounded and bleeding out football fandom from flat lining for another year.  Guess what Chiefs fans? Tag, you’re it.  The Chiefs give me hope that teams can turn around, while at the same time making me cry inside because it will never, never, never happen in Jacksonville.

The Chiefs played the Titans this week and HAHAHAHA TITANS I HATE YOU!  Fork you Moises Fokou, thanks for setting up the go ahead score.  Watching the Titans lose is always fun, but watching them screw up their own comeback is priceless.  Seriously what was going through Fokou’s mind?

“Looks like Alex Smith is headed out of bounds, it is third down, and the game is on the line.  BUT I’M AN AWESOME BAD ASS WATCH THIS! DEEEEERRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!”

The Chiefs have the Raiders, Texans, Browns, and Bills next on the schedule.   On second thought they may have too good of a thing going.  Success  makes me twitchy.

Seahawks at Colts

GAH, I HATE THE COLTS.  Seahawks, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. How do you let the Colts score 11 unanswered points in the 4th quarter.  HOW DOES ANYONE SCORE 11 POINTS?  You birds of prey that live exclusively on fish are many peoples prediction to go to the Super Bowl.  If you want to go to the Super Bowl you have to win the big games; and more importantly, you have to win the games I really want you to win.

Don’t give me that it should have been a touchdown not a safety crap.  Don’t put yourself in a position where the zebras can steal a game from you.  Do you know how badly I wish Jacksonville would play a game close enough that the zebras could screw us?  I would celebrate that loss like Christmas, Halloween, and the 4th of July had a baby. GAH!

Eagles at Giants

Wow Eli, that is just a special kind of bad.  TIME FOR A BOLD PREDICTION:

Tom Coughlin gets fired from New York and returns to Jacksonville to pursue his dream of becoming a surf instructor.  Eli Manning, needing a change himself, follows him and they share an apartment over a bar.  This becomes the basis for a new CBS sitcom “Surf and Turf” starring Ian McKellen as Coughlin and Justin Bieber as Manning.

Eli

But don’t get too cocky there Eagles fans.  Beating the G-men this year is like beating the shortest Ewok in the village.  Next on the schedule you have… Tampa Bay.  OK Tampa is like a short Ewok with a traumatic brain injury.  But then you have to play… The Cowboys.  Tony Romo is more of a one legged Tauntaun than an Ewok. Three weeks from now though, it gets serious with… the Giants again.  You know what Eagles fans? You get a breather, good for you.

Broncos at Cowboys

I was going to try to be different from the rest of the media and really critique Peyton Manning’s performance, but I just keep getting lost in his eyes.  Dang, you is dreamy Peyton, just take me away to Kokomo.  The Broncos are good and in 9 months they are going to have the baby of every member of the sports media.

Wouldn’t it be easier if the Cowboys just officially changed their name to “never quite good enough to win the important ones.”  I know it doesn’t have the same ring to it as Cowboys, but it sure is a lot more descriptive isn’t it? You’re America’s AWWWWWWWW.

Well I have to go have breakfast now, or as my physician calls it “a heavy does of mood stabilizers.” Football is fun right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Topics: Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Eli Manning, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, New York Giants, Peyton Manning, Philadelphia Eagles, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tennessee Titans, Tom Coughlin

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  • http://www.arrowheadaddict.com Patrick Allen

    Take it from the Chiefs fans….it can get worse. Buck up.

  • ……ChiefsFan……

    Hilarious! Please don’t stop posting these, they are awesome! Great job again sir.

    • http://www.arrowheadaddict.com Patrick Allen

      Yeah this is on my weekly must-read list

      • ……ChiefsFan……

        There have only been 2 right?

        • http://www.arrowheadaddict.com Patrick Allen

          Yeah two so far.

        • Bandit Ref

          Maybe I should go back and recap the weeks I missed on Thursdays or something?

          • ……ChiefsFan……

            I for one think that is a great idea! Thanks for putting these together. It seems like everything you say I have said in the past two years or so.

  • Blake Molina

    Reminds me of a PG-rated Drew Magary!

  • Spokanedad

    Hawk fan here… We know we know! The team knows…

  • PunjabiPete

    Alright, I’m sold. Curse your funny articles! CUURRRSSEEE THEEEEMMMM!!!!
    While watching the pregame last night, Chris Berman was forced to talk about the Chiefs, and not Peyton Manning, for more than 15 seconds. It reminded me of that commercial where the guy has on all this safety gear and has to stay 5 seconds late on a Friday, and he’s sweating like he just ate a plate full of ghost peppers. I picture as soon as the cameras going off Berman doubling over just screaming “Peyton Manning! Peyton MAAANNNIIIING” at the top of his lungs, possibly stripping down to his skivvies and being held by a very knowing Coach Cowher, looking through teary eyes at the Peyton Manning shrine they have built behind the desk…

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Can we, for ONE FRIGGIN GAME, get Peyton Manning, Brett Favre and Tim Tebow on the same team? I just want to see the sportscaster’s heads completely explode from all the gushing, completely unneeded attention.

    I’m not hating on Peyton Manning. He is a beast, and I bet every team that shunned him (ahem, Scott P’Zoni in Kansas City!) is kicking themselves or completely oblivious right now… and his commercials are hilarious and he has such dreamy eyes and boyish charm…. no! NOOOO!!!! I WOON’T!!!!

    • Bandit Ref

      Chris Berman just want’s to take Peyton to Applebee’s and whisper in his ear.

      But you just gave me an idea, I shall credit you.

      MUHAHAHAHAHA or something.

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