Let’s take a trip down “what the hell is this guy talking about” lane for a few minutes. I’m sure you all remember the game Mortal Kombat. I myself had it on Sega Genesis and played it along with it’s three sequels religiously. What I decided to do is pair characters from my favorite game of the series (Mortal Kombat II) with their long lost brethren of the SEC. If you’re offended I’m sorry, blame Midway.
1. Kentucky is Subzero
Kentucky is and always will be a basketball school. Normally I’d give props to Subzero since he is the most popular character in the series, but we’re talking about Mortal Kombat II. This isn’t even the original Subzero. If we’re going by the story, the original Subzero (basketball team) died and this is his brother coming to avenge his death. Kentucky’s football team (MKII’s Subzero) will never amount to the success of their dribbling cohorts. Plus let’s face it, the only way they’re going to beat you at football is if your entire team is frozen.
2. Mississippi State is Jax
As much as Mississippi State likes to brag about being the number one football program in Mississippi, the fact is still pretty clear. Without Ole Miss they’re nothing. Jax is a character that was introduced to the series in Mortal Kombat II. His mission is to rescue Sonya (a playable character from the original Mortal Kombat) who is being held captive by Shao Kahn. You’ll see why I picked Jax next.
3. Ole Miss is Sonya Blade
Poor Sonya. In the original Mortal Kombat she was one of my favorite characters. Her cartwheel legwrap throw was very impressive. She has so much potential, yet she can’t do anything because she’s chained up. She’s not even a playable character in Mortal Kombat II, but I think Ole Miss is the perfect candidate for being Sonya’s twin. They have so much talent and potential it’s crazy. Hell, their wide receivers are even better than Texas A&M’s. Their only hope, yet again, is to win the Mississippi State Championship (Eggbowl) again. Enter Jax (Mississippi State). Like I said, he’s Sonya’s only hope for freedom.
4. Florida is Baraka
This one is pretty self explanatory. I mean just look at those teeth. Baraka is known to be a ruthless killer and make crazy faces while fighting. I’ll leave this one as is. If you’re still clueless, click the hyperlinks.
5. Texas A&M is Johnny Cage
This one was also way too easy. Johnny is Johnny. Mr. Football is Mr. Hollywood There’s no other way to put it. Mortal Kombat II introduced a finishing move that wasn’t nearly as gruesome as fatalities. They were called “Friendships” and were quite comical. Johnny Cage’s just so happened to be him signing an autograph.
6. Tennessee is Mileena
Mileena was once thought to be the twin sister of Kitana. Mileena voluntarily decides to keep tabs on her supposed sister and tattle tell everything she does to Shao Kahn (the leader of the tournament). Now I don’t know about you, but when I think of voluntary tattle tells I can only think of one team. Yes, the big orange suck. If you end up beating Mortal Kombat II with Mileena, you find out she is a deformed clone of Kitana. She also marries Baraka and lives happily ever ugly.
7. Vanderbilt is Reptile
Give Vandy credit. They sometimes put up good fights against mediocre SEC teams. That being said, I believe their long lost twin is Reptile. Reptile always puts up a good fight, but never was a fan favorite of the game. Anyways his real mission was to protect Shang Tsung, not win the tournament. Speaking of Shang Tsung…
8. Georgia is Shang Tsung
Ah yes, Georgia. This was also an easy match. If you’re familiar with the original Mortal Kombat you’ll know that Shang Tsung was the leader. He was the dude who put on the fighting tournament in the first place. Welp, he lost control. Sound familiar? Yea, that was a jab at Mark Richt. The tournament is now controlled by Shao Kahn and is much more severe. All that being said, Shang Tsung (Georgia) is still a valid contender in the tournament and respected by all. Thankfully he has Reptile (Vandy) on his schedule every year.
9. Mizzou is Kung Lao
A noble newcomer to the SEC gets to be paired with a noble newcomer to the Mortal Kombat series. I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but Mizzou is currently sitting undefeated. Kung Lao joined Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat II to try and stop Shao Kahn. Not a valid tournament contender but who knows, maybe Mizzou (Kung Lao) can pull a rabbit out of their hat this weekend and beat Georgia.
10. Auburn is Kitana
Kitana has some crazy fans. Sure, Alabama will always be tainted by a one Harvey Updyke, but at least there’s not an Alabama equivalent to the Never to Yield Foundation. Auburn has some crazy fans. To Auburn’s credit, they also have some very good fans. Those fans are called family. Although she may look like a cakewalk, beating Kitana is no easy task. Beating Auburn is going to be much harder than it was last year. Kitana is sitting quietly with her loyal fans on the Gus Bus.
11. LSU is Scorpion
Scorpion was by far my favorite character on Mortal Kombat II. Back, Back, A was the button combination that sent a flying dagger attached to a chain out of his hand to pull his opponents close. It was a total cheap shot. Scorpion was a beast, as is LSU.
12. Arkansas is Raiden
Raiden wants to stop the tournament at all costs, but he still fights in it. Yea, his storyline was the most confusing of all to me. Sort of like how Arkansas fired Petrino only to be super jealous of whoever hired him next. If John L. Smith didn’t have to take over for Bill Clinton, he shouldn’t have had to for Bobby Petrino. Sorry Arkansas fans, you get stuck with Raiden, the confused fighter.
13. South Carolina is Kano
Another chained fighter. South Carolina has so much potential, but can’t really do anything about it because they’re chained up like Kano. They may become unchained if their star player isn’t “hurt” again. Kano was a valid fighter in the original Mortal Kombat, but now look at him. Poor guy.
14. Alabama is Liu Kang
Alabama, the SEC’s golden child. After winning three of the last four BCS championships, I couldn’t match Alabama with anyone other than Liu Kang. Liu Kang returned to Mortal Kombat II as the champion of the original tournament according to the game’s story. Liu Kang barely beat Shang Tsung the previous year, but was still named victor. It’s amazing what a measly five yards would’ve done for ol’ Shang.
Now that I’ve compared all 14 SEC teams to Mortal Kombat II characters, I want to hear from you. Is your team the character you used to play as while frantically pressing buttons trying to beat your older sibling? Is this the biggest waste of space on the internet? Let me know. Follow @calebhawk on twitter and tell me what all I got wrong.
That’s right, finish me…
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