Redskins vs. Cowboys
The most offensive thing about the Redskins’ name this year might be that they call themselves a football team. Hey, remember when RG3 was picked second in the draft? I know some of you Redskin fans are having second thoughts about him, and I think I have the solution. The Jags just might be willing to trade you Blaine Gabbert for RG3. Heck, we will even throw in Chad Henne because they are kind of a matching set.
Important side note: if you name your child “Blaine” then you obviously want them to grow up to teach ballet or become a street magician.
Tony Romo was extremely proud of the win saying “did you guys see that? I told you to watch me? Was my mom looking?” Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was so proud of his team that he swore off meddling in the coaches jobs for a whole week and retired to swim in his giant vault of gold.
Jaguars vs. Broncos
ALL ABOARD THE MORAL VICTORY TRAIN! WOOT WOOT! Seriously, beating the spread against Denver might be as close as I get to a win this year. Just let me have this, okay? Did you know, the Jaguars held the Broncos to fewer passing yards than any team this year? I KNOW THE BRONCOS WEREN’T REALLY TRYING I SAID LET ME HAVE THIS, GAH!
The Jaguars were leading the whole first quarter, and let me tell you I’ve never felt so alive. Colors were brighter, foods tasted better, the sunshine… oh the glorious sunshine! In the second quarter the Broncos came back and scored 12 points, but that’s fine. We still went into the half with a lead, and I went into the half with happiness and love in my heart. Of course the Broncos came back in the second half and put us down, but that first half… I will never forget it. This one is for you Broncos.
I’m not crying, I have something in my eye.
Eagles vs. Buccaneers
The Eagles may have found the magic solution to failure. That solution is called “the Giants and the Bucs.” (Checks Jags schedule to see if we play Giants and Bucs, sighs and continues to look forward to bye week.)
What is going on in Tampa? Don’t get me wrong, if I had to live in the armpit of Florida I would be cranky too. But come on Orlampa, get it together. The Jags suck too, but at least we are a happy loving family that sucks as a team. Tampa is so messed up, they are basically congress with a football team. If you think Greg Schiano is going to stop his shutdown on wins anytime soon you’re kidding yourself.
“I really feel like we can get back on track if we keep playing Tampa and New York” said Chip Kelly. “But in the mean time our offense is built on speed and strength. So I’m feeding out guys random mushrooms I find to see if I can make them grow and get faster.”
Raiders vs. Chiefs
I love watching the talking heads explain how they picked the Chiefs all along. “This doesn’t surprise me, I said the Chiefs had a lot of moxy” said Peter King. “Of course I also said every other team had moxy, heart, and a high motor, but I meant it about the Chiefs.”
I was starting to think I had been wrong about Terrell Pryor, maybe he would be different from all the other Raiders QBs? Then Pryor threw three second half interceptions and I stopped stocking my Armageddon shelter. “A Raiders QB was playing well, I really thought this was my chance” said a disappointed Cthulhu. “I’m not ready to give up though, maybe the Giants will win next week and we can get this Armageddon started.”
Saints vs. Patriots
Oh Saints, you are why the NFL is second to college football in the south. Well, you and the Falcons, and the Jags, and the Bucs, and the Texans, and the Cowboys, and the Dolphins… you know what? It’s a team effort.
The Patriots receiving core has managed the impossible this year, they made Tom Brady into Phillip Rivers. Tom Brady while still a great QB, looks almost… mortal. I feel like if I had enough kryptonite I might be able to take over his New England redneck metropolis. Boston is the Arkansas of the north, you can’t deny that when things like this happen:
But this shouldn’t be about New England’s Arkansas, it should be about the one and only New Orleans, crusher of dreams. You see, even when New Orleans is good, they manage to sneak in a little heart break. They like to remind their fans that this could all go wrong at any moment. Rob Ryan had to learn that lesson the hard way this past Sunday.
I know that look Rob, and this is what you do:
First, go home and make a big bowl of ice cream, I mean a big one.
Maybe turn on your favorite jams? You look like the kind of bro who loves some Poison or Guns and Roses.
Then you just fire up Madden on Xbox, turn the difficulty all the way down, and destroy those Patriots.
You can get through this Rob, basketball season is just around the corner.