The college football playoff committee has been announced, and of course people aren’t happy. There really is no way to create this kind of committee and make everyone happy.
Not very shockingly at all, the committee member who most of the good ole boys are upset about is Condoleezza Rice. Former Auburn Coach Pat Dye was particularly unhappy saying “All she knows about football is what somebody told her.”
You see, if you haven’t participated in something then you can’t know anything about it. That’s why Pat Dye doesn’t believe in dinosaurs or Japan. Pat Dye says he knows about football because he “played it with his hand in the dirt.” And that is a fact, because Pat Dye is the only head coach ever caught on tape talking about paying his players.
So Pat Dye has decided to do something about all this, he is forming his own competing selection committee. You tell me which committee you’d rather have.
The Pat Dye College Football Playoff Selection Committee
Brought to you by Pall Malls, Budweiser, and the 1960s.
Boss Hogg – The Dukes of Hazard
You may remember Boss Hogg from the much beloved southern TV classic ‘The Dukes of Hazard.” Boss Hogg has moved on from the Dukes, unless David Cutcliffe pulls off a miracle run. Boss Hogg is exactly the kind of guy Pat Dye wants; the kind that looks like he might have had a David Duke bumper sticker on his caddy in ’88.
Gene Chizik – Former Auburn Head Coach, Slacket Enthusiast
What’s the fastest way to get from a championship to the bottom of your conference? Gene “The Brains” Chizik. Last October Pat Dye said that Gene Chizik couldn’t be fired from Auburn even if he lost every game. Less than a month later Gene Chizik was fired from Auburn.
Clay Travis – CBS’ Really Bad College Gameday Clone
Clay Travis is to sports journalism what Teen Mom is to MTV. You already knew things were going down hill, but this really confirms rock bottom. Clay Travis has an important college football website where he reports on everything but football. He likes to talk about how hot or not coaches wives are; his wife and mother are very proud.
Lane Kiffin – Failing At Coaching… Over And Over
Lane Kiffin is insufferable, arrogant, idiotic, deceitful, shameful, and willing to do anything to advance himself. It’s only a matter of time before he and Clay Travis start making out.
Nixon’s Ghost – President
Richard Nixon was a great man and don’t you forget it. That better not be sass on your tongue son, because Pat Dye will bend you over his knee and and smack the tar out of you. They wanted a politician so Pat Dye gave them the kind of politician that “real Americans” can identify with, an old white guy. In fact this guy is so old and so white that he’s dead.
LSU RB Jeremy Hill – Getting A Pass From Les Miles
Jeremy Hill only raped one 14 year old girl in a locker room, it’s not like he made a habit of it or anything. I mean if LSU is fine playing the guy who essentially did the same thing that Sandusky did, only with a girl, then why shouldn’t we put him on the committee? You can’t argue that pedoback’s hand isn’t in the dirt.
Tim Brando – Blowing Hard, CBS
Tim Brando is a CBS college football expert. In sports journalism the word “expert” is apparently synonymous with “wrong a lot.” Tim Brando said LSU would beat Bama in the national championship. Tim Brando didn’t rank Bama in his top ten last year. Tim Brando thought Notre Dame had a chance to beat Bama. Tim Brando picked Louisville as his number one team in the country this year. You know Louisville, the team that struggled with Rutgers and UCF. Tim Brando put Bama at #7 this year, behind Georgia and Texas A&M. Tim Brando had Oklahoma State ranked 9th in the country this year. Tim Brando…
The Ole Miss Football Team – Being Bigots, Saying Things They Can’t Back Up
The Ole Miss football team took a brave stand against diversity when they yelled homophobic slurs at the actors during a play about a gay college students murder… for being gay. There’s no way these Ole Miss scholars are going to kowtow to the PC crowd, they will stand up for what’s right, and totally not gay bro.
Johnny Manziel’s Father – Raising An Extremely Talented Athlete/Douchecanoe
Any 20 year old presented with the instant fame that Johnny Football has would have struggles. So what makes Johnny different from other ESPN darlings like Tim Tebow? It’s not that Johnny is a bad person, it’s just that he had bad parents. You can read about how Johnny’s dad is just a sad overgrown version of a teenager here.
Mr. Jack Daniels – Pat Dye’s Best Friend
At least two bottles. Pat Dye can’t do no thinking if he ain’t consulted Mr. Daniels at least twice.
Barbara Dooley – Derrek Dooley’s Mommy
Barbara Dooley is the Susanne Sugarbaker of SEC sports as she was married to legendary UGA coach Vince Dooley. Dooley is largely considered UGA’s greatest coach, which is not surprising because his bowl record of 8-10-2 is very UGA. Now I know what you’re thinking, Pat Dye didn’t want any women on the committee, but that’s just not true. Besides Barbara doesn’t get a vote, she’s just here to fix iced tea.
A Really Smart Pig – Valedictorian at Auburn High
Folks in Auburn can appreciate the gifts of livestock in a way you city slickers never could. Besides, this is a really smart pig, he can write his name in a spider web.
Craig James – Running Back At SMU, Murderer
Remember the 5. Also Remember that Craig James is about a likeable as a your mother-in-law after a colonoscopy and you see why Pat Dye likes him. He makes Pat Dye look good.
Danny Kanell -FSU Quarterback, Bad Gambler
If you flip a coin 100 times, and Danny Kanell calls heads every time, you’ll get 100 tails. Danny Kanell got his hands dirty playing football at FSU in it’s heyday. But since college things have slowed down, he’s the poor mans Jesse Palmer. Danny said Georgia was the best team in the SEC this year. Danny might also be Tim Brando’s Padawan. Danny Kanell, for when you want to take all that messy objectivity out of your journalism.
Pat Dye – Pope of Auburn
Of course the man himself will be on the committee. Who else but Pat Dye would be able to stand up to the bureaucrats when they want to put a woman or minority on it? And what about when the Kennedy assassination is finally revealed to be the work of the Soviets? You’re going to want your man Pat’s advice then, I tell you that. The Cosby Show started affirmative action. The Kaiser isn’t to be trusted dammit. And don’t talk to gypsies, they spread disease! During the war we… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. (Pat Dye go sleepy bye)
Paul Finebaum – That Guy People Yell At On The Radio
Paul Finebaum doesn’t get a vote. Paul’s job will be to moderate this diverse group and establish a sense of order. After all, if he can deal with Tammy he can deal with anything. It was either get Paul, or get a chair and a whip.