Alabama Crushes Arkansas, I Apologize To Pigs

Photo Oct 19, 9 30 21 PM

Dear Pigs,

I know you’ve had a hard night; I’m really sorry about that.  Jesus loves you, it’s just that Nick Saban doesn’t.  I know it’s hard being the mascot for a team as pathetic as Arkansas, but you have to look at your contributions to the other side too.

What’s the football that Alabama plays and practices with made out of? That’s right, it’s you.  Bret Bielema can’t take that away from you with his inept Big 10 play calling.  So really you can say that you contributed to Alabama’s win more than you did Arkansas’ loss.  What’s more important to the team, the actual ball used to play the game, or the mascot?

Think about all the delicious pregame cookouts.  Who do you think the star of all those was? That’s right, it was you.  Your status as the most delicious animal on earth can’t be affected by the missed tackles of Arkansas’ hapless defense.  Alabama’s own Dreamland BBQ owes it’s very existence to your tastiness.  You, like the Arkansas defense, are a giver.

You are the mascot of some really great things too, like Piggly Wiggly grocery store.  Piggly Wiggly is a grocery store chain founded in Memphis, Tennessee.  Memphis Tennessee is way more southern than Fayetteville, Arkansas.  Fayetteville is so far north it’s basically part of Missouri.  Besides, Arkansas isn’t even real SEC, they are just Southwestern Conference team that we threw a life line too.

Where would Winnie the Pooh be without Piglet? You know what, forget that one.  Piglet is freaking worthless, very University of Arkansas.

Who do you think closes out every Looney Tunes cartoon? Is it an overweight Big 10 coach with a bad haircut? Nope, it’s Porky Pig.  Porky Pig is everything that’s right about America.  It doesn’t matter that he talks like Lou Holtz, he’s a star in our eyes.

Keep your snout up pigs, big things are in your future.  You should take one thing from the Arkansas’ fans though, their enduring optimism.  According to them, “next season” is always the greatest season in the history of Arkansas football.

I will always love the way you taste,

Bandit

Topics: Alabama Crimson Tide, Arkansas Razorbacks, NCAA, Pigs

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