NFL Week 7 Recap, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

Buccaneers at Falcons

I’ve always disliked Tampa, it’s the armpit of Florida.  In Florida we call it “Orlampa” because it’s just the back end of Orlando.  Really all you need to know about the city of Tampa is that the New York Yankees hold spring training there, ew.  But not even Florida’s armpit deserves Greg Schiano.  Schiano is everything we have come to expect from New Jersey and it’s flagship “university” Rutgers.  Does Rutgers just hire coaches who are awful, or does Rutgers make coaches awful?

Greg Schiano apparently not only tried to kick Dexter Jackson out of a Bucs practice on Friday, but told him he couldn’t bring underprivileged kids anymore.  Really, Schiano is a jewel that could only have washed up on the Jersey Shore.

I can’t remember another coach who managed to make a locker room this toxic this quickly.  At least the Jaguars suck because we have been mismanaged for years and have no talent.  The Jags may be the worst team in the league but damn, at least we still love each other.  The Bucs suck because they all have hate in their heart now.

So it comes as little surprise that the Falcons managed to beat the Bucs at home.

In an unrelated note my fantasy team is now almost as big a dumpster fire as my real team due to Julio Jones’ injury.  YAY CONSISTENT SUCKING ACROSS ALL SPORTS ENDEAVORS! I CAN’T WAIT FOR BASEBALL SEASON, LETS GO METS!

Bears at Redskins

The guy in my fantasy league who played Jay Cutler got -2 points from him this week.  Jay Cutler got less fantasy points than Blaine Gabbert, and Blaine Gabbert is injured and didn’t play.

On the other hand Jay Cutler is now injured and can’t play, he’s out four weeks with a groin injury.  I would like to express my deepest condolences to Kristin Cavallari and say that if she needs ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING AT ALL, I am there for her.

The Redskins managed to grab another win bringing their grand total to 2.  I bet it’s because the Skins are all so distracted with the “will they change the name or won’t they change the name” thing.  I wasn’t going to get involved, because I don’t really care, but then I saw their mascot from 1995:

redskins-mascotOK wow, yeah, discussion over, it’s racist.

 

Patriots at Jets

So the mighty Patriots fell to the lowly Jets huh?  I am sure the Pats fans are taking this with their usual calm understanding civilized demeanor, right?

The Patriots lost in overtime on a new rule that was implemented this year.  This of course led the Patriots fanbase to say things like:

Oh my gawd, dem zebras just stole dis wicked good win from Bawstan and ole Belli.  Da NFL hates da Pats and always has it’s a conspiracy like JFK.

Meanwhile the Jets fanbase was so excited by the win they decided to punch a woman in the face.

Look, I know that Boston fans are some of the most obnoxious troglodytes on the planet, but you can’t punch a woman in the face.  I don’t care how Boston bean trashy she gets, you don’t punch a woman.  Jersey and Boston, could it really have ended any way other than this?

 Texans at Chiefs

The Chiefs got a win over the Texans who hale from the AFC South, or as I like to call it “The Division of Sadness.”   The Colts are the only team in the AFC South with a winning record.  YAY THE JAGS INCOMPETENCE HAS  SPREAD LIKE A VIRUS TO THE REST OF OUR DIVISION.

The Chiefs escaped a close one here, you don’t want to ruin a perfect record with a loss to an AFC South team.  That would be like Leonardo da Vinci painting the Mona Lisa only to sign his name in crayon.

But the Chiefs did win and that allowed @LSUFreak to create this for the benefit of all mankind:

crf.0_standard_709.0

Broncos at Colts

Peyton, Peyton, Peyton… hello my old friend.  How could you let this happen?  You had the chance to show Indy what they were missing and instead you showed Indy what they are missing.

I think we all know why the Colts were able to defeate the Broncos.  But @celebrityhottub was the only one brave enough to say it:

Screenshot 2013-10-22 09.35.38

YOU’RE WELCOME INDY.  You Midwestern troglodytes just live off our coattails don’t you?

Vikings at Giants

This was a Monday night football game.  They made the whole country watch this game, that has to be a violation of the Patriot act.  I want Roger Goodell shipped off to Guantanamo and water-boarded.

The Vikings and Giants make me feel a lot better about the Jags.  They also make me feel a lot better about the abilities of my 7th grade football team from MRA. (Go Madison Ridgeland Academy Patriots!)

Did they confuse football with hot potato? Because it appeared getting rid of the football was the goal of everyone involved in this fiasco.

The Vikings passed on over 70% of their plays last night, because when you have Josh Freeman you want to take advantage of it.

I want an apology from the NFL, and I want to know if Eli Manning is available for children’s birthday parties.  (Cause he’s a clown.)

Chargers at Jaguars

You know people keep telling me to be excited about the number one draft pick.  But it’s hard for me to get excited about a draft pick when my team recently picked a punter in the third round. (By the way, the 3rd round punter turns out to be terrible!) I know the Jaguars have a GM who has made much better choices, but it’s just our luck.

We will get the first round pick, pick Teddy Bridgewater. Then Bridgewater will decide he wants to pursue his true calling of being one of those guys with the wind up organ and monkey.

I don’t know what Jacksonville did to receive this curse from the football gods but we have angered them mightily.  Seriously y’all, my soul hurts.  You know how when you hurt your back you have a sharp pain every now and then when you twist wrong? It’s like that, but it’s a sharp pain in my soul every time I see something teal.

 

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