Trick Or Treating The NFL

Photo Oct 25, 12 50 42 AM
 
It’s a cool Halloween night and your Chewbacca costume could only be described as “bitching.”  You are so excited to go trick or treating this year.  This new neighborhood looks ripe with Snickers and Butterfingers.  Oh, and it just so happens that your new neighborhood is populated by all 32 NFL teams.

 
BALTIMORE RAVENS

First house, so excited. You ring the doorbell and Joe Flacco comes out, he throws your candy three feet above your head.  When you look up in disgust he says “I won the Super Bowl, you should have had that.”

 

CINCINNATI BENGALS

No one is coming to the door.  It looks like Benjarvus Green-Ellis has gone into hibernation for another fall.

 

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Michale Lombardi says they have already traded away all their candy this year for better candy next year.  Just hold tight till next season.

 

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

Troy Paulumalu drops a travel size bottle of Head and Shoulders in your pumpkin.

 

CHICAGO BEARS

Jay Cutler pulled his groin on the way to the door.

 

DETROIT LIONS

Ndamukong Suh takes your plastic pumpkin, sees that there is no candy, and horse-collars you.

 

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Eddie Lacy comes spinning out the door like the Tasmanian Devil, dropping some cheese in your bucket.

 

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Prince comes to the door in his most glorious Halloween blouse and gives you an entire Snickers bars.  Even in the face of a terrible season Prince is generous.

 

HOUSTON TEXANS

You get what appears to be a bag of M&M’s here, but when you open it there’s a penny, some lint, and one melted peppermint.  Houston never lives up to expectations.

 

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

AHHH THE GUY AT THE DOOR IS DRESSED AS A WEREWOLF! No, no, wait, that’s just Andrew Luck.

 

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

An empty bowl sits on the front porch.  A sign reads: PLEASE TAKE ONLY ONE, WE ARE IN LONDON.

 

TENNESSEE TITANS

Kenny Britt sits on the porch eating all the candy he took from the Jaguars’ bucket.

 

ATLANTA FALCONS

The house looks cursed, it’s dark and forboding.  You hear a ghostly voice crying “Juliooooooo, oh Julioooooo, why did it have to be Julioooooooo!”

 

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Cam Newton comes to the door and gives you a huge handful of candy! On latter inspection it’s all candy corn and those peanut butter brick things.

 

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Several New Orleans running backs try to reach the door but they are all tackled for a loss.

 

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Greg Schiano is standing in the front yard in his underwear waving a shotgun.  “ANY OF YOU PUNKS TRIES TO TP MY YARD,  YOU’LL GET A PIECE OF THE SCHIANO!”  This is a totally balanced reaction to the situation.

 

BUFFALO BILLS

E.J. Manuel, Kevin Kolb, Matt Flynn, and Thad Lewis are all trying to get through the door at the same time.

 

MIAMI DOLPHINS

Lauren Tannehill comes to the door.  You ask to move in.

 

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Bill Belichick opens the door and stares.  He just stares.

 

NEW YORK JETS

Rex Ryan happily gives you two hand fulls of candy, he then asks if you have ever played quarterback.

 

DALLAS COWBOYS

Tony Romo tries to put candy in your bucket, but another kids swoops in and intercepts it.

 

NEW YORK GIANTS

Tom Coughlin comes to the door.  “You know in my day we didn’t trick or treat for candy, we were trick or treating for war bonds to fight the Kaiser.   We didn’t have those fancy costumes either, I just put on my mothers makeup and pearls and went as a USO girl.  I got engaged to a sailor from San Fransisco that night…” You run.

 

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

“WHOA, are you dressed as a dog?” asks Michael Vick.  “No, I’m a Wookie” you respond.  “It don’t matter what breed you are, I can’t be around dogs” says Vick as he slams the door.

 

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

This house feels kinda racist.  Let’s move on.

 

DENVER BRONCOS

Peyton Manning comes to the door, dazzles you with a smile, make you feel happy and secure and then gives you some raisins.  FREAKING RAISINS.

 

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Andy Ried smiles from under his mustache as he dumps to spoon fulls of mashed potatoes in your pumpkin.

 

OAKLAND RAIDERS

“Wow, that mummy on the porch sure does look real,” you exclaim. “It should, it’s Al Davis” says Dennis Allen.

 

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

Manti T’eo comes to the door, tries to tackle you, falls down the front steps.

 

ARIZONA CARDINALS

Tyrann Mathieu says these brownies are going to be the best thing we get this Halloween. I’m not sure, they look kind of green.

 

SAN FRANSISCO 49ERS

COLIN KAEPERNICK IS GIVING OUT TATS TO ALL THE KIDS!

 

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

A kid younger then you comes to the door… no, no, that’s Russell Wilson.

 

ST. LOUIS RAMS

St. Louis asks you for candy.

 

You should also check out the Week 7 NFL Recap Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

 

 

 

 

 

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