It’s a cool Halloween night and your Chewbacca costume could only be described as “bitching.” You are so excited to go trick or treating this year. This new neighborhood looks ripe with Snickers and Butterfingers. Oh, and it just so happens that your new neighborhood is populated by all 32 NFL teams.
First house, so excited. You ring the doorbell and Joe Flacco comes out, he throws your candy three feet above your head. When you look up in disgust he says “I won the Super Bowl, you should have had that.”
No one is coming to the door. It looks like Benjarvus Green-Ellis has gone into hibernation for another fall.
Michale Lombardi says they have already traded away all their candy this year for better candy next year. Just hold tight till next season.
Troy Paulumalu drops a travel size bottle of Head and Shoulders in your pumpkin.
Jay Cutler pulled his groin on the way to the door.
Ndamukong Suh takes your plastic pumpkin, sees that there is no candy, and horse-collars you.
GREEN BAY PACKERS
Eddie Lacy comes spinning out the door like the Tasmanian Devil, dropping some cheese in your bucket.
Prince comes to the door in his most glorious Halloween blouse and gives you an entire Snickers bars. Even in the face of a terrible season Prince is generous.
You get what appears to be a bag of M&M’s here, but when you open it there’s a penny, some lint, and one melted peppermint. Houston never lives up to expectations.
AHHH THE GUY AT THE DOOR IS DRESSED AS A WEREWOLF! No, no, wait, that’s just Andrew Luck.
An empty bowl sits on the front porch. A sign reads: PLEASE TAKE ONLY ONE, WE ARE IN LONDON.
Kenny Britt sits on the porch eating all the candy he took from the Jaguars’ bucket.
The house looks cursed, it’s dark and forboding. You hear a ghostly voice crying “Juliooooooo, oh Julioooooo, why did it have to be Julioooooooo!”
Cam Newton comes to the door and gives you a huge handful of candy! On latter inspection it’s all candy corn and those peanut butter brick things.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Several New Orleans running backs try to reach the door but they are all tackled for a loss.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Greg Schiano is standing in the front yard in his underwear waving a shotgun. “ANY OF YOU PUNKS TRIES TO TP MY YARD, YOU’LL GET A PIECE OF THE SCHIANO!” This is a totally balanced reaction to the situation.
E.J. Manuel, Kevin Kolb, Matt Flynn, and Thad Lewis are all trying to get through the door at the same time.
Lauren Tannehill comes to the door. You ask to move in.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Bill Belichick opens the door and stares. He just stares.
NEW YORK JETS
Rex Ryan happily gives you two hand fulls of candy, he then asks if you have ever played quarterback.
Tony Romo tries to put candy in your bucket, but another kids swoops in and intercepts it.
NEW YORK GIANTS
Tom Coughlin comes to the door. “You know in my day we didn’t trick or treat for candy, we were trick or treating for war bonds to fight the Kaiser. We didn’t have those fancy costumes either, I just put on my mothers makeup and pearls and went as a USO girl. I got engaged to a sailor from San Fransisco that night…” You run.
“WHOA, are you dressed as a dog?” asks Michael Vick. “No, I’m a Wookie” you respond. “It don’t matter what breed you are, I can’t be around dogs” says Vick as he slams the door.
This house feels kinda racist. Let’s move on.
Peyton Manning comes to the door, dazzles you with a smile, make you feel happy and secure and then gives you some raisins. FREAKING RAISINS.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Andy Ried smiles from under his mustache as he dumps to spoon fulls of mashed potatoes in your pumpkin.
“Wow, that mummy on the porch sure does look real,” you exclaim. “It should, it’s Al Davis” says Dennis Allen.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Manti T’eo comes to the door, tries to tackle you, falls down the front steps.
Tyrann Mathieu says these brownies are going to be the best thing we get this Halloween. I’m not sure, they look kind of green.
SAN FRANSISCO 49ERS
COLIN KAEPERNICK IS GIVING OUT TATS TO ALL THE KIDS!
A kid younger then you comes to the door… no, no, that’s Russell Wilson.
ST. LOUIS RAMS
St. Louis asks you for candy.
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