NFL Week 8 Recap, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

Cheerio all, in honor of the Jags playing in London, I thought I’d start this weeks recap with a list of 10 reasons why England can suck it.

10. They get in fights over soccer. Soccer is lucky if I look in it’s general direction, much less get in a fight over it.

 

9. They call soccer the wrong name.

 

8. They call soccer “football,” which is sacrilegious; and yes, Jesus is angry about it.

 

7. Alcoholism is the status quo.

 

6. You need teeth for chewing.

 

5. If I wanted to live someone cold, grey, and depressing I’d live in Seattle.  At least they have coffee.

 

4. They don’t put ice or nearly enough sugar in their tea.

 

3. WTF Cricket?

 

2. For hundreds of years they used a system of government that relied almost exclusively on inbreeding.

 

1.  We won the Revolutionary War. I’ll let Jay Mohr explain why this is so embarrassing for them:

 

JETS vs. BENGALS

How strange has this NFL season been? Well, up till now the Jets have looked like one of the more decent teams.  Of course it couldn’t last Jets’ fans, just be glad you got the ride you got.  Do you know how badly I want a season where we get our hopes up only to have them come crashing back to reality in a fireball?  Do you know how much I envy Jets fans?  Do you realize how bad it is when you envy Jets fans?

“Geno Smith threw two passes that went for touchdowns.  And while those passes were to Bengals and technically interceptions, It really shows he should have been drafted higher,” said Mel Kiper probably.

The Bengals continued to extend their lead in the AFC North. The rest of the division is at this point just fighting to try to get an Independence Bowl bid.

 

STEELERS VS. RAIDERS

The Raiders beat the Steelers. The Raiders. Beat. The Steelers.  I know the Steelers suck, but that sentence is just weird to say.  It makes my tongue feel funny.  It would be like saying “The Jaguars in the playoffs,” just creepy sounding.

How is this happening, why does it seem like half of the NFL is struggling this year? Let’s check the tape:

Steelers: suck

Giants: suck

Jags: suck at sucking

Bucs: suck at sucking

Browns: kinda suck

Ravens: losing record, looking suckish

Dolphins: suck

Eagles: suck

Bills: suck

Jets: suck

Redskins: suck in an oddly offensive way

Falcons: suck

Vikings: suck

Rams: suck

Titans: suck

Texans: suck

That’s 15 teams, almost half the league.  I don’t understand what’s going on here. Is this year even mathematically possible?

 

COWBOYS VS. LIONS

The Cowboy struggle is real.  Seriously, to lose by one point because you allowed Detroit to score 24 in the 4th?  That last touchdown by Staford too, jeez Cowboys.  How do the Cowboys set up so poorly and just let Staford jump into the endzone? How do you assume it’s a spike? It’s almost enough to make you think the Cowboys are being incompetently coached, managed, and owned.

Meanwhile in Detroit:

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BROWNS VS. CHIEFS

The Browns did not do so well at clock management here.  If the Browns had been Doc Brown in ‘Back to The Future,’ Marty’s Mom and Dad would never have gotten together.

The Chief’s improbable run continues.  I don’t say improbable because it was truly out of the realm of possibility, only because none of the experts expected it.

If you can’t trust football experts who can you trust?  I mean if Chris Berman says that Applebees is an excellent eating establishment, who am I to argue? If Skip Bayless says Tim Tebow is an amazing quarterback, who am I to believe?  Men like this are why America has such a high opinion of the 4th estate. Listen Andy Reid, before this goes any further, I want you to know that mocking Skip Bayless is the same as mocking god.

PANTHERS VS. BUCS

The race to the bottom continues as Tampa and Jacksonville compete to see who will make the first terrible selection in next years draft! DOES IT GET ANY MORE EXCITING THAN THIS SPORTS FANS? It’s like NASCAR and baseball had a baby.

This game recap shall be in the form of a Haiku I’ve titled “Orlampa Tears.”

Cam Newton passed

Schiano acted an ass

Bucs are almost last.

49ERS VS. JAGUARS

It’s our London home game that most people in London don’t give a damn about because it’s in the middle of soccer season!  For all the press the NFL going to England gets in the United States, the United Kingdom doesn’t seem to give a damn.  BBC.com had the World Series results posted above the Jags game in London. BASEBALL FINALLY BEAT THE NFL!  The Brits have crumpets to munch and the wrong side to the road to drive on.  Not to say they won’t come out for the novelty games, but the NFL is always going to be about as successful in England as the MLS is here.

 So the Jaguars lost and Chris Brown got arrested for doing something violent, I guess it was just “things we all expected Sunday!”

I think the Jags and the Bucs should be forced to play a game at the end of the season to determine who is worse.  You know that feeling of getting to the stop sign at the same time as another car?  You don’t know who’s turn it is so you both kinda look at each other awkwardly and stop and go slightly.  It would be that feeling, but with footballs.
 

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