1. CHIEFS – THE DEATH STAR
The Chiefs defense is stout. The shields are still up on this thing, and they are impenetrable. Someone is going to have to send a small strike team and a band of aboriginal teddy bears takes out Tamba Hali before they can make an attack run on the Chiefs. Some people like to call Alex Smith a game manager, but the fact is he’s efficient and he’s getting the W.
2. BRONCOS – OBI WAN KENOBI
Peyton Manning is the old experienced Jedi leading a band of adventures on yet another quest. Like Peyton no one questions Obi Wan’s experience and skill. But his quests haven’t always ended in success. Peyton has only beaten the dark side once and achieved his ultimate goal. The problem with this metaphor is that Obi Wan seems to cut people’s arms and legs off a lot and I’m not sure how Peyton feels about that.
3. SEAHAWKS – HAN SOLO
The Seahawks shoot first. But they have some problems, Han Solo has a bounty on his head and Russell Wilson probably feels that way too. Two missing tackles on the offensive line allowed him to be sacked 7 times. Can the Seahawks get the O-line fixed and make the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs?
4. SAINTS – BOBA FETT
Drew Brees is good with a gun. Bobba Fett is good with a gun. Bobba Fett has an arm that shoots fire. Drew Brees has an arm that shoots touchdowns. Why is Bobba Fett awesome? He is the only guy bad enough to talk man to man to Darth Vader. Why is Drew Brees awesome? He is the only man to ever make the Saints good.
5. COLTS – PRINCESS LEIA
The Colts are a an important part of the NFL story this year. They defeated the Broncos and have put together an impressive team. However, their owner Jim Irsay is a spoiled complaining princess; get over it already. It’s not like Peyton took his talents to South Beach, you wanted to move on. Just try not to imagine how Jim Irsay would look in a gold bikini.
6. 49ERS – LUKE SKYWALKER
The 49ERS have a young energetic QB with a lot of potential. He almost won the battle last year, and he may yet have the right stuff to get it done. That is, if he doesn’t fall to the dark side. Can Colin Kaepernick rise to the level of Jedi Master like Joe Montana and Steve Young?
7. BENGALS – MILLENNIUM FALCON
You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon? The Bengals showed the Jets a few maneuvers this week. Blasting them with a 49-9 beat-down. You’ve never heard of the millennium falcon? It’s the fastest bucket of bolts in the galaxy. The Bengals aren’t the sexy team, nothing from Cincinnati is sexy, but they’ve got it where it counts.
8. PACKERS – CHEWBACCA
Big, grumpy, loyal, willing to eat anything, covered in hair, known to rip people’s arms off when they lose, Green Bay fans are a unique breed. Green Bay is intimidating, they can beat you in the air with Aaron Rodgers or they can beat you on the ground with Eddie Lacy. Do the smart thing, let the Wookie win.
9. PATRIOTS – GRAND MOFF TARKIN
The Patriot fan base, much like Grand Moff Tarkin, can’t fathom that they aren’t the best team in the NFL. They expect to be the best, they are the Empire after all. But this season has been a struggle and Tom Brady is looking more and more mortal. They should be careful that their confidence doesn’t blind them to what the rebellion can do.
10. LIONS – RANCOR
The Lions have been suffering a terrible pit of scum and villainy, Detroit. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t to be feared. Ndamukong Suh may be a dirty player with little regard for human life, but that might be exactly the kind of creature Lions need and want. That is if Roger Goodell doesn’t tame the beast with fines and suspensions.
11. COWBOYS – EMPEROR
The Cowboys have an evil overlord with elaborate plans of domination and empire. The problem is that they get a little to sure in themselves. How do you assume that spike? How are you not ready for Matthew Stafford to jump over the line? Much like how the Emperor never saw Darth Vader’s change of heart coming, the Cowboys never seem to see their defeat staring them in the face.
12. CHARGERS – LANDO CALRISSIAN
Sometimes Lando is good, sometimes he’s bad. Sometimes the Chargers are good, sometimes they are bad. The one thing we do know about Lando and the Chargers is that they aren’t trustworthy.
13. BEARS – R2D2
Boop boop beep. You never know what weird tool R2 is going to pull out of his metal casing next. The Bears are a team full of surprises, some good some bad. Jay Cutler being ahead of schedule on recovery is surprisingly good. Losing to the Redskins is surprisingly bad. Most of the teams the Bears have beaten have been awful this year, so it’s yet to be determined where this little droid ends up.
14. RAVENS – C3PO
The Ravens had a bye, so maybe they will have stitched Joe Flacco back together again. Flacco
won the Super Bowl and should be considered one of the league’s top QBs. But his awkwardness inconstancy and goofy appearance stop people from taking him seriously enough. He seems like the kind of guy who would say “Oh dear” a lot.
15. CARDINALS – SAND PEOPLE
You don’t see the Cards coming, they ride single file to disguise their numbers. Then suddenly, they are on you hooting and hollering. Rookie Andre Ellington was great vs. Atlanta this week and with the Texans and Jags on the horizon he will have some weak Jawa’s to beat up on.
16. DOLPHINS – TIE FIGHTERS
The Dolphins appeared to be scary and intimidating as they launched this season. Then as the season progressed we learned that they don’t have shields and are easily dispatched even in great numbers.
17. TITANS – BANTHAS
The Banthas are the big hairy smelly things the Sand People ride on. While not scary or intimidating most of the time, they can be dangerous if you provoke them. Mike Munchack should start finding a way to provoke them more often.
18. PANTHERS – EWOKS
The Panthers may seem cute and cuddly, but with the right motivation and rocks to throw they can do some damage. So far though the Panthers have only beaten up on incompetent opponents. I really think that any space army with lasers AND some brains would dispatch them rather easily.
19. EAGLES – STORM TROOPERS
The Storm troopers were the most feared army in the galaxy, that never managed to shoot anything. The Eagles were the most hyped team of the media in the preseason. Then reality hit and we learned that no matter how cool your armor is, you have to actually be able to shoot someone, er… score a touchdown.
20. FALCONS – ADMIRAL ACKBAR
The Falcons had high hopes for this season and then Julio Jones got hurt and “IT’S A TRAP!!!”
21. BILLS – PONDA BABA, THE ALIEN IN THE BAR WHO GETS HIS ARM CUT OFF
The Bills weren’t picking on Luke, the Bills didn’t start this mess, why are the Bills the ones who get their arm cut off? All the Bills ever wanted was a Quarterback.
22. JETS – BOTHANS
Many Jets died to bring you this football.
23. BROWNS – Y-WINGS
The Y-Wings are important fighters in the rebellion’s arsenal. But the technology is outdated and not up to par. The Browns have an outdated low tech team and are just waiting on the draft to get a refit.
24. REDSKINS – JABBA THE HUTT
The Redskins sure looked intimidating, I thought they were going to be tough to beat. But it turns out that a chick in a gold bikini could strangle them to death.
25. RAIDERS – GAMORREAN GUARDS
You know the green pig people that Jabba uses to guard his palace? Yeah, they remind me of the raiders. The Raiders did get a good win over the Steelers, but the Steelers are an even more ridiculous character.
26. TEXANS – JAWAS
Why would Sand People want to slaughter Jawas? The Texans have a big strong looking sand crawler named Matt Schaub.
27. RAMS – R5-D4 THE RED DROID WITH THE BAD MOTIVATOR
You almost bought St. Louis but then you discovered that it had a bad motivator.
28. STEELERS – PORKINS
Ben Rothlisberger is Porkins. You don’t know how he became an X-Wing pilot/quarterback, he doesn’t look like one, and now there’s a Tie Fighter on his tail. JUST PULL UP MAN!
29. GIANTS – GREEDO
Greedo thought he had Han cornered. But Han shot first, HE SHOT FIRST YOU HEAR ME GEORGE LUCAS! Poor Greedo, poor Eli.
30. VIKINGS – AUNT BERU
The Vikes don’t know much about football, but they make a mean glass of blue milk.
31. BUCANEERS – JAR JAR BINKS
Nothing is more hated in the Star Wars universe than Jar Jar Binks. Nothing seems to be more hated in the NFL than Greg Schiano.
32. JAGUARS – MR. SPOCK
The Jags came to a Star Wars party dressed as a Star Trek character. This is where we are at as a franchise.
Who’s Darth Vader you ask? Roger Goodell of course. Yoda is Jon Gruden.
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Topics: Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Buffalo Bills, Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Indianapolis Colts, Jacksonville Jaguars, Kansas City Chiefs, Miami Dolphins, Minnesota Vikings, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, New York Giants, New York Jets, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, San Diego Chargers, San Fransisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Washington Redskins