It’s a warm southern Halloween night and you’re ready to go tick or treating! Oh, and you live in a neighborhood populated by all the SEC coaches.
Jen Bielema comes to the door and wow her costume is great. You aren’t sure what it is but it’s a slutty something. “What’s your costume Ms. Bielema?” you ask. “What costume?” she replies. Suddenly Bret Bielema comes thundering down the hall, he drops two huge hand fulls of pulled pork and a ladle of BBQ sauce into your bucket.
MISSISSIPPI STATE’S HOUSE
This maroon and white farm house looks down right abandoned. There are fading #WeBelieve signs all over the yard. A rabid Dan Mullen runs out to greet you dressed in camo and armed to the teeth.
“What are you doing? The world is ending, they are taking my guns, THE GOVERNMENT IS RUN BY OLE MISS FANS” he pants. So turns out Dan Mullen is a survivalist wack-job.
OLE MISS HOUSE
Leigh Anne Touhy is dressed as Dorothy as she leads her Toto Hugh Freeze around by a leash. Taco Bell and Sandra Bullock movies for everyone!
Kristi Malzahn comes to the door. “Well look a little fireman!” she exclaims. “No mam, I’m dressed as Chewbacca, from Star Wars” you reply. “Looks like a little wizard or something to me” says Kristi “You know I once dressed as a wizard, it wasn’t for Halloween, it was when I joined that cult. I love Halloween and all the little children like you dressed as ghosts. What’s that Mr. Sock? You love his little ninja costume too? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! I don’t have any candy but the pills in these bottles are all kinds of pretty colors…” You have never run so hard.
SOUTH CAROLINA’S HOUSE
Steve Spurrier stands at the door shirtless. “So you want me to give you candy huh? I’ll do better than that” he says. “Here you go, here are some ball markers, and some tees, and those tiny pencils you use to mark your scorecard. Ain’t no way to say Uncle Steve ain’t generous with the Augusta swag.”
You walk up and ring the doorbell. “HOW DID HE MAKE IT TO THE DOORBELL? DO ANY OF YOU BUFFOONS PLAY DEFENSE? I SWEAR I AM GOING TO RIP YOUR THROATS OUT WITH MY BARE HANDS AND FILL THE HOLE WITH CANDY CORN YOU WORTHLESS… OH YEAH, HEY NICE CHEWBACCA KID HAVE A MILKY WAY” says Will Muschamp in his inside voice.
A police officer approaches you as you enter the yard. “I’m sorry young man but you aren’t allowed to come within 50 yards of this house. Jeremy Hill is in there” says Officer Perkins.
“I’m sorry we don’t celebrate dark pagan rituals at our house” says Mark Richt. “But I would like to invite you in to receive some prayers and biblical tracts which will explain why you are a godless heathen for trick or treating.”
Butch Jones sits on the ground beside the steps gently rocking back and forth. “We beat Georgia, it was supposed to be different, we were back. ESPN put us on upset alert. I’m not a Dooley, I’m not. I’m not a Kiffin, I’m not. No one can say that this is the same. Nope, it’s totally different, things are changing, things are better.” He begins to quietly sob.
The butler gave out whole candy bars, but the place looks deserted.
The house is made of crystal, which seems highly impractical yet here it is. Before you can knock Nick Saban opens the door with his door remote control. “I don’t give out candy, aight. You need to earn everything you get, aight. I only give out self respect, aight. Now drop and give me 20, aight.”
TEXAS A&M’S HOUSE
“Has anyone seen Johnny? Last we saw he was wearing a Scooby Doo costume and talking to about 6 coeds. You suggest that he follows the trail of signed blow pop wrappers and mini bottle of Jager.
The smoldering remains of a house sit before you. “It was a beautiful house once made of hopes and dreams, it had so much potential. I was going to be a popular coach, I was going…” This is sad, let’s move on.
Mark Stoops drops some of those peanut butter hard candy bricks in your pumpkin. “Sorry, all the good candy is at my brother’s house” he says sadly.
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