In the fall of 1850 a pirate ship was wrecked off the coast of Louisiana. The pirates, realizing that rescue wouldn’t come until the spring, moved in land to seek shelter. What they found was a diseased swamp of over-sized rodents, snakes, and mosquitoes. The swamp had a strange smell, the smell of methane. After some time though they started to realize it was the smell of a deep fried hot dog. In this place the pirates founded the town of Baton Rouge.
As the pirate village of Baton Rouge grew they decided they needed a school, as many of the towns people were illiterate and couldn’t spell. They would try to put crazy combinations of vowels and the letter x into all kinds of words. One popular misspelling was “Geaux” for “Go.” Sadly this dark shadow of illiteracy still hangs over LSU with many fans sporting “Geaux Tigers” on their signs and shirts.
LSU is an agricultural school, much like Mississippi State and Auburn. Of course some people don’t realize this, because swamp rat milk sales still lag far behind cow milk sales in this country.
Now that Baton Rouge had a University and a bustling swamp rat milk industry things really started to take off. In 1894 Baton Rouge was listed as only they 6th worst hellhole in Louisiana!
LSU is home to the first library in the state of Louisiana. The library contained literally tens of books separated into two sections: gator catching stuff and non-gator catching stuff.
LSU’s athletic department was founded not long after the civil war. LSU proudly took the nickname “Tigers” referencing the “Fighting Tigers” a confederate brigade from the war. Ole Miss’ mascot may imply an association with the confederacy, but LSU’s mascot is directly based on it. LSU is proud to represent the men who died trying to keep other people enslaved based on the color of their skin.
LSU prefers to wear white jerseys. This is because when the previously mentioned “Fighting Tigers” got home from the civil war many of them preferred to wear all white. Sometimes the Fighting Tigers would even go so far as to wear a sheet with eyeholes in it.
LSU plays football in Death Valley. Originally the nickname was “Deaf Valley” because of how loud the stadium got, but LSU’s problems with the English language plagued it once again. Soon the name was turned into “Death Valley.” Honestly, we should just be glad it’s not “Deauxth Valley.”
LSU’s Wikipedia page lists Alabama as one of their rivalries, but Alabama lists LSU as just another team they have to play every year. This is probably because LSU has only beaten Alabama 25 times in the last 118 years.
LSU has not been a very good football team for most of their existence. In the early 1900’s LSU held a 1-1 record playing against the Haskell Indian Nations team. LSU also holds an impressive 3-6 record vs. the mighty Sewanee.
LSU hired Mark Emmert as chancellor, so it’s kind of LSU’s fault the NCAA sucks.
In 2000 LSU hired Nick Saban to fix their football woes, which he did. Saban brought LSU a championship in 2003. Nick Saban then left to coach the Miami Dolphins and LSU fans have not stopped bitching about it to this day.
Current LSU coach Les Miles has brought his own style to LSU football program. Miles continued Saban’s winning ways, but has gone with a much different strategy. The LSU football program has become a sanctuary of sorts for wayward youths. Here is a list of some of the young men that Les Miles has helped:
QB Ryan Perrilloux – drugs
CB Tyrann Mathieu – drugs
QB Jordan Jefferson – drugs, assualt
Current QB Zach Mettenberger – sexual battery
Current RB Jeremy Hill – sexual assault and regular assualt (Should have been rape and felony assault, but LSU alumni judge!)
RB Jeryl Brazil – battery
This impressive list has led to the LSU football complex being officially listed as a minimum-security facility by the United States Justice Department. Truly, this was an honor that only Les Miles could bring to a program.
Tune in tonight to watch LSU play Alabama and see if Les Miles can increase his streak to 3 (loses to Alabama) in a row.