I know what you’re expecting, but wait, we’ll get to it.
This week is apparently the NFL’s revenge of the underdogs week. The scrappy little rebels struck back, just not in a significant way that will mean anything long term. It was more of a “pointlessly fighting for a lost cause” kind of thing; like trying to keep Lindsay Lohan sober. HOORAY!
REDSKINS VS VIKINGS
RG3 had his best game of the season, his team still lost to the Vikes. It’s almost like all that ESPN hype about RG3 and how he alone could carry this team to the Super Bowl was just nonsense.
The Vikes are 2-7. Both of the Vikings wins have come when Christian Ponder has had some sort of injury. I’m certainly not blaming Ponder for the Vikes losses, or even implying that they are better without him. I’m just saying I get it if one of the Vikes linemen “accidentally” sits on him before the game.
EAGLES VS PACKERS
The Eagles are back baby! LOL, no they aren’t. “Nick Foles Super Bowl Quarterback” is not something I think I’m going to have to worry about anytime soon. But it was a good game against the walking wounded Pack.
The Packers are in trouble Aaron Rodgers is a pretty tough SOB, so I understand how they never really thought they were going to have to worry about backups; It’s now time to worry about backups though. Scott Tolzien… well he did lead Wisconsin to a 2009 Champs Sports Bowl victory over a God awful Miami team so… Yeah, this ain’t gonna work Pack.
Listen Pack, because we know you’re desperate the Jags are willing to help out here. We have a great QB just sitting around. His name is Blaine, like he’s a fashion model or something! He has beautiful locks of gold and blue eyes. He enjoys long walks on the beach and just loves puppies! This dreamboat of a QB can be yours for a song, and maybe Eddie Lacy… What do you say?
RAMS VS COLTS
This game wasn’t really the Rams vs. the Colts as much as it was Travon Austin vs. the Colts. Travon Austin is fast y’all, really really really fast. Travon is also 5’8″ tall, that’s shorter than I am. I COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE NFL??? Wait, do they let gingers in the NFL? Oh yeah, Andy Dalton.
3 picks and a fumble from Andrew Luck? Someone needs to tell Luck that they whole “Suck For Luck” thing is over. You can’t have Andrew Luck and Trent Richardson and put on a show like that. The Colts are the exact opposite of the Jaguars; all the talent in the world, being wasted away. Don’t worry Colts fans, you are still comfortably in the lead of your division and headed for a first round playoff loss.
DOLPHINS VS. BUCCANEERS
Florida is where the NFL goes to die. The Florida NFL teams are kinda like the Canadian Football League. THE FLORIDA FOOTBALL LEAGUE: SUN, FUN, AND FUMBLES! Miami and Tampa got it on this weekend to see who really is the most embarrassing team in Florida. (Hint: that team didn’t play in this game.) (Double Hint: That team isn’t the Jags.) (Triple Hint: That team lost to Vandy.)
Greg Schiano is still a horrible excuse for an NFL coach, but he beat Miami and that’s… well that’s enough to keep Tampa out of the 0-16 record books. More importantly this moves the Jags to the number one spot in the NFL draft. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE IF WE PICK A FREE SAFETY, A DEFENSIVE END, OR A LONG SNAPPER!
Miami meanwhile is still dealing with it’s soap opera of bullying. Miami even assembled a task force of Don Shula and Tony Dungy to investigate. Don Shula is messy and loves steak, but Tony Dungy is a neat freak vegan. What happens when the Chief makes them partners? Find out on “Don and Dungy, Detectives” this fall on CBS.
JAGUARS VS TITANS
It’s hard for me to explain the feelings that I’m having right now. Colors are brighter, the air is fresher, food tastes better. I no longer feel like physically assaulting people who wear Patriots gear around Jacksonville. I put this short film together to try to share my feelings with you, I hope you enjoy. I love you.