JETS VS BILLS
Can Buffalo handle the shame of realizing that Rex Ryan has lost weight, but they still eat mayonnaise straight from the jar? No.
Jets > Bills
RAVENS VS BEARS
Josh McCown will be put in a full body cast in a precautionary measure to try to prevent injuries to Jay Cutler. Meanwhile, Jay Cutler thinks he deserves franchise QB pay and lolocopter. No. On the other side of the ball people are starting to think Joe Flacco’s Super Bowl win was such an impressive illusion that he must be related to Chris Angel… MINDFREAK!
Bears > Ravens
BROWNS VS BENGALS
Cleveland and Cincinnati are going to play football to determine which city is the more horrible nightmare scenario for your work to transfer you to. Ohio? Really? Instead of a transfer can I just commit Seppuku?
Bengals > Browns
LIONS VS STEELERS
Two industrial towns turned post-apocalyptic wastelands battle it out for the rights to clean drinking water. I’m just kidding, there’s no clean water in Detroit or Pittsburgh.
Lions > Steelers
RAIDERS VS TEXANS
How far have the Texans fallen from the preseason hype? Let me tell you how far, if the Jaguars win one more game they will tie you in the division. I’m about to pick the Raiders over the Texans; go back and tell September me that and I will laugh and laugh and laugh.
Raiders > Texans
REDSKINS VS EAGLES
This one is kind of a big rivalry to see whose high flying super fast new fresh exciting offense is the most anemic. “We made some big improvements this week, I taught the guys how to double knot their shoes,” said Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.
Redskins > Eagles
FALCONS VS BUCCANEERS
The Buccaneers aren’t really a “football team” anymore so as much as a “modern dance company.” They want their play to make you look at the way you live your life in relation to mother earth. That’s right, just like that fumble on a simple hand off, you are fumbling on the earth when you don’t recycle.
Falcons > Buccaneers
JAGUARS VS CARDINALS
Can the Jags keep the hope alive and get a second straight win? No, no we can not.
Cardinals > Jaguars
Think I’m horribly wrong on some of these? Get over it, I’m a Jags fan what do you expect?
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