SAINTS vs. FALCONS
Growing up in the South you have two choices, you are either a Saints fan or a Falcons fan. I mean the NFL in the South is still an afterthought to college ball, but most folks picked one or the other. For example: “Well I’m an Ole Miss fan so I guess I’m a Saints fan because of Archie.” Or: “I’m a Falcons fan because I once turned on a Falcons game during a NASCAR rain delay.” So even though this was a game between the two favorite teams of the South, no one cared. Good job New Orleans, you are the South’s favorite back up team this week!
VIKINGS vs. PACKERS
A tie? A TIE? I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that we were living in Soviet Russia. What kind of un-American bull is this? The Packers and the Vikings should be ashamed of themselves for subjecting us to this. Ties make baby Jesus cry, and it’s almost baby Jesus’ birthday! See Packers, this is what you get from playing a quarterback who led Wisconsin to a Champs sports bowl. I knew Wisconsin and Minnesota were secretly Canadian sleeper cells.
CHARGERS vs. CHIEFS
Chiefs? What’s going on? It’s like that loss to Denver took your mojo or something. Don’t worry, I will give you a pep-talk to help you get back on track.
Did your namesake ancestors give up when the U.S. army pushed them back onto reservations? No, they rose up and slaughtered that dandy Custer and his men. Now here we are again, the U.S. army (Broncos) are back, but this time they are riding into your town. It’s time to slaughter that dandy Manning and make an example of the Bronocs. In the words of a wise poet:
“Make no mistake it’s not revenge he’s after, it’s a reckoning.”
Chiefs, don’t disappoint me, I want blood.
BRONCOS vs. PATRIOTS
Are the Broncos bi-polar? One minute they are amazing and the next they are a team of bumbling fools.
“Hey guys we are up 24-0, let’s take the rest of the game off, maybe shop for some fine leather goods?” – Jack Del Rio
The Broncos aren’t invincible, the Colts aren’t invincible, the Pats aren’t invincible, and the Chiefs aren’t invincible. Sorry ESPN, looks like this is another season of great competitive football where you can’t pick out your uber-champion and lord them over us with constant coverage. (ESPN will still pick a team and do this even if it makes no sense.)
COLTS vs. CARDINALS
Hey remember when like a week ago people were saying how the Colts could be one of the best teams in the league? NOPE. All the talent in the world, still lose to Carson Palmer. How embarrassing is it to lose in University of Phoniex stadium? I know the Cards are a pro team, but you’re still losing in a stadium named after an online uncertified for profit community college.
JAGUARS vs. TEXANS
Not only are the Jags not the worst team in NFL history; they aren’t the worst team this year! Not only are the Jags not the worst team this year; they aren’t the worst team in our division! Now some of you may scoff at my joy at not being the worst team in our division and say it’s weak and pathetic. Well, you would be right, it is weak and pathetic, but I don’t care. It feels so good to not be the worst ever. I long for the day when we take the next step and achieve sweet sweet mediocrity. As for that number one draft pick, you can have it, we would have just taken a free safety or something anyway.
Tags: Arizona Cardinals Atlanta Falcons Denver Broncos Green Bay Packers Houston Texans Indianapolis Colts Jacksonville Jaguars Kansas City Chiefs Minnesota Vikings New England Patriots New Orleans Saints San Diego Chargers