NFL Week 13 Recap, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

 

LIONS vs. PACKERS

 
Mathew Stafford wanted to honor Thanksgiving by playing like he was still at The University of Georgia.  He threw two interceptions and tried to mediocre the best way he knew how.  However, he underestimated the Aaron Rogersless Pack and their desire to derp.

FUN FACT: The Packers traded Matt Flynn away in 2011, because he was kind of horrible.  In 2013 however just “kind of horrible” is a big improvement over “oh God no, why is he doing that, we are all going to die, IT BURNS IT BURNS” Tolzien.

The Lions continue to be the good thing about Detroit.
 

BRONCOS vs. CHIEFS

 
So the Bronocs continue to be “THE GREATEST TEAM TO EVER PLAY FOOTBALL” according to ESPN.  Of course according to those very same analysts the Chiefs are “A SUPER OVERRATED TEAM THAT HAS BEEN EXPOSED.”  Yet, the Chiefs and the Broncos have played two close games. I’m starting to suspect the guys on ESPN don’t know what they are talking about.  Wouldn’t the greatest team ever have beaten the most terrible overrated team ever by more than one touchdown?   If you want to be wrong everyday and keep your job either work for ESPN or become a weatherman.

BONUS JOKE:

What do you call a Broncos fan in 2010? A Colts fan.

Feel free to use that one at work this week; it’s on the house.
 

PATRIOTS vs. TEXANS

 
THE TEXANS ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE AFC SOUTH.  THE TEXANS ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE NFL.  ALL HAIL THE TEXANS, SAVIORS OF JACKSONVILLE!

You have J.J. Watt, Andre Johnson, Brian Cushing, DeAndre Hopkins, and Ben Tate.  HOW ARE YOU SUCKING SO BAD??? Oh hey Matt Schuab, what’s up?

I would like to reiterate my offer to trade Blaine Gabbert for Andre Johnson, straight up.  Think about the future Texans, you want this.

Meanwhile a Pats fan said “Oh my gawd, des fakkin team is so gooood.  Ole Belly has put together another whenna in Bawstan.  Tom Brady is da most wicked human alive.”
 

RAVENS vs. STEELERS

 
Last year the Ravens won the Super Bowl.  This year they needed a win over a terrible Steelers team to break even on the season.  When do we get to the part of the episode where Flacco rips off his mask and underneath it it’s been Tony Romo all along?

Ben Roethlisberger had the second highest rushing total for the Steelers.  I think I see your problem here guys.
 

TITANS vs. COLTS

 
A couple of times a year you find a game you just can’t watch.  Two teams that either you don’t care about in the least, or like this one two teams that are everything that’s wrong with America.

Don’t let the Colts and Titans fool you, they are communist organizations out to destroy our way of life.  The only thing they care about is ending America for all time.  That’s why you should hate them.

And they are devious too; did you notice how this red menace wears blue in order to confuse us? DEVIOUS I SAY!

Sometimes people make jokes about wanting a meteor to crash into a stadium because they dislike both the teams playing, but sometimes, like today, people say it because they love freedom.
 

JAGUARS vs. BROWNS

 
The Browns wrapped this one up in a bow and handed it to the Jaguars.  97 rushing yards, 1 funble, and 1 interception, it’s hard to win like that.  But all that aside, I think it’s important to remember that MJD THREW A FREAKING TOUCHDOWN! I don’t even know how to react to that play, I mean the Jaguars, doing something interesting?  It’s one thing for us to win a couple of bad games, but to be aggressive and creative?  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I have this warm feeling in my chest… Is this happiness? I don’t like it.

Tags: Baltimore Ravens Cleveland Browns Denver Broncos Detroit Lions Green Bay Packers Houston Texans Indianapolis Colts Jacksonville Jaguars Kansas City Chiefs New England Patriots Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee Titans

  • Josh Landers

    Haha. I look forward to this post every week.

    • Bandit Ref

      Glad you are enjoying it.