NFL Early Game Preview, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

COLTS vs. BENGALS

 
The Colts are 8-4, but the way some NFL analysts talk you’d think they were 12-0.  You see NFL analyst are about as quick to change as the Catholic church.  If a team has always been a great team then it always will be and if a team has never been good before then they are overrated.  So even though the Colts have big flaws and are 8-4 in the weakest division since France, experts pick the Colts.

The Colts are built to protect Captian Caveman (Andrew Luck) the problem is that they have some serious injury issues and the Begnal defense is stout.  So unless Captian Caveman can use his club, he’s going to be getting into some serious scraps today.

I’m taking the Bengals
 

BROWNS vs. PATRIOTS

 
The Patriots are the Yankees of football, we all love to hate them.  It’s also super ironic that the Boston fans who hate the Yankee fan attitude so much, exhibit the same attitude about the Pats.  I wish I could tell you that the Browns were going to rise up like crazy Ohio Mennonite Gladiators and beat the Pats, but they aren’t.

The Pats will win.
 

RAIDERS vs. JETS

 
WARRIORS COME OUT TO PLAYEAY! This one is more of a street fight than a football game.  The Raiders are the Sharks and the Jets are… well, the Jets.  The Jets and Raiders have both benefited from a benevolent football Loki to get the records they currently have.  However, football Loki cannot be on both sides today.  Who will Loki choose…

I pick the Raiders
 

CHIEFS vs. REDSKINS

 
I read an article this morning that speculated that since the Chiefs lost to the Broncos their “overratedness” (A word actually used in the article.) had been exposed and they would lose to the Redskins and the Texans.

Attention Media: JUST BECAUSE THE CHIEFS SUCKED LAST YEAR DOESN’T MEAN THEY SUCK THIS YEAR.  JUST BECAUSE THE CHIEFS AREN’T THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL DOESN’T MEAN THEY AREN’T REALLY GOOD.

I hate the talking heads, Chiefs win easy.
 

BILLS vs. BUCCANEERS

 
We got a couple of chickens with one leg and put then in a cage to fight, let’s see what happens.

Bucs are the bigger chicken, I guess.
 

DOLPHINS vs. STEELERS

 
Can the Dolphins and the Steelers get bowl eligible? Which terrible run game will be more terrible? Will the black guy from ‘House’ dressed as an NFL coach get involved in the play again?  All these questions and more will be answered on the next edition of ‘Why Am I Watching This?’

I’ll take the Dolphins to pull it out and get an invite to the BBVA Compass Bowl!
 

FALCONS vs. PACKERS

 
If I was going to bake you a sadness cake the ingredients would be:

  • Add one part hope and dreams of Atlanta sports franchises.
  • Add an injury to a star QB that apparently is the team.
  • Mix in an injury to a star Falcon wide reviver that apparently is the team.
  • Bake on 350 for 60 minutes.
  • Kill yourself.

Rodgers status for the game is unknown, but if he can somehow get out there the Pack will crush the sad sad sad Falcons.

 

LIONS vs. EAGLES

 
I don’t like either of these teams.  I don’t like these teams so much it’s hard to think of something funny to say about them.  I think we all know the Lions will win while acting like a pack of wolves mixed with a Mongol Horde. Suh alone will probably kill and take the heads of at least three men and one goat today.

I’ll go Lions.

 

VIKINGS vs. RAVENS

 
Cheer loud if you look fabulous in purple! This thing is going to look like a lady Gaga concert.  Also, Lady Gaga would probably be an offensive improvement for either team.  I’m just going to put this out there, no sports franchise wearing purple is ever going to intimate me, unless…
 

BarneyNever mind, purple is scary as hell.

 

The Ravens win fabulously.

 
If you’re thinking of getting really mad about my jokes or predictions please keep in mind that I’m a lifelong Jags fan.
 

Tags: Atlanta Falcons Baltimore Ravens Cincinnati Bengals Cleveland Browns Detroit Lions Green Bay Packers Indianapolis Colts Kansas City Chiefs Miami Dolphins Minnesota Vikings New England Patriots New York Jets Oakland Raiders Philadelphia Eagles Pittsburgh Steelers Washington Redskins

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