TEXANS vs. JAGUARS
It’s starting to look like the Texans are going to get that first pick in the draft. Here’s a quick Jaguars guide to drafting early:
Step 1: Check and see if there are any punters available. Football is a field position game, and the best way to control field position is to concentrate on giving the ball back to the other team. Draft a punter early and punt your competition into submission.
Step 2: If there are no punters available then look for a defensive end. Yes I know you drafted a defensive end early last year, and for the last 17 drafts. You need to realize that defensive ends are like Pokemon, you gotta catch ‘em all!
Step 3: Avoid players who played at major universities or had success on the collegiate level. The draft is about going out on a limb with a player no one has ever heard about. That’s how you prove to all the other teams that you are super duper smart!
Step 4: If all else fails trade away your early first round pick for an aging injury plagued veteran entering a contract year.
Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be a Jaguars level draft expert in no time!
FALCONS vs. PACKERS
The Falcons are a disappointment. We tried to encourage them to follow their dreams, but they just ended up dropping out and working at Little Caesars. I think at this point we just have to love them from a distance and let them live their life. If they want to do something crazy like get a tattoo or making Matt Flynn look like a quarterback then there’s nothing we can do to stop them. We just have to hope that one day they grow up and realize they’ve been throwing their lives away. Maybe we should go back to church or see a counselor?
Meanwhile the Packers were able to keep their head above water just long enough to pass their swim test and now they get to canoe at summer camp!
COLTS vs. BENGALS
Oh wandering sports analyst who told us how the Colts were a Super Bowl contender, where art thou now? Where are your cries of “Andrew Luck” and “Andrew Luck?” Do you mean to tell me that thou has been deceiving us? Are you trying to express to me sir that ESPN may be full of poppycock? My heavens say it isn’t so, I do believe I have the vapors!
Meanwhile the Bengals, a team that you can actual justify having real hopes in, gets no respect. You see if you weren’t good last year then Peter King has no reason to believe that you are full of “moxie” or have a “high motor.”
BROWNS vs. PATRIOTS
I joked on Sunday that I “wished I could tell you that the Browns were going to rise up like crazy Ohio Mennonite gladiators and beat the Pats, but they aren’t.” While the Browns didn’t actually win a victory for Mennonites everywhere this week, they did almost beat the Pats. The Pats continue to have close calls or take close loses to teams they should dominate easily. I think it’s fair to say that this Pats team may not be as complete of a team as in previous years.
On the other hand with just the Dolphins, Ravens, and Bills left on the schedule I don’t think you’ll see the city of Boston turning to drink, because those teams suck. Also, the city of Boston is already drunk and has been for the last 250 years.
CHIEFS vs. REDSKINS
THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS, wait… the Chiefs won? You mean to tell me that the team that’s been good all year is still good even though the lost some games to other good teams? Shut the front door!
Oh RG3, I don’t know what to do with you. It’s obvious that you aren’t who you were last year, yet you’re my fantasy football keeper. I feel like I’m partially responsible for your downfall, I know you wanted to make “The Fredos” the best team in the league. I know you were excited that I had Julio Jones for you, but that wasn’t meant to be either. Our second receiver Wes Welker also has an injury. Our running backs MJD, Eddie Lacy, and Reggie Bush are all possibly injured as well. The Fredos are, much like the Redskins, an unhelpable mess. The responsibility for the Fredos failures, much like the responsibilities for the Redskins, lands at the feet of the team owner. But who am I kidding? You guys suck and Dan Snyder and I are just going to fire you all and get replacements so we can blame them next year!
GIANTS vs. CHARGERS
Hey remember when Eli Manning was the first pick of the Chargers in 2004? Remember how he didn’t want to go play for the Chargers because he wanted to go to a “contender?” Remember how awkward it was when he was forced to hold up that Chargers jersey? Remember how it’s crazy he was so concerned with being on a good team when he went to Ole Miss? Remember how all my friends from Ole Miss said he was a man whore who slept with anything that moved? Oh, that last one may be exclusive to my memory.
So Eli Manning went on down to San Diego, and just like a groundhog, gave us six more weeks of Manning jokes.
Meanwhile the Chargers QB had a pretty great day throwing the ball and was all “winning is fun.”
BRONCOS vs. TITANS
Who didn’t see this coming? I feel like talking about this one is just going to encourage violent crime by glorifying it.
COWBOYS vs. BEARS
Did you know that Chicago isn’t the only city with a Ditka Day? To be fair though, Ditka Day in New Orleans is a vastly different affair.
Now, I know that Josh McCown isn’t married to Kristen Cavallari, but two things. First, Josh McCown’s wife has plenty of game. Secondly, Josh McCown plays man football. I give you exhibit A:
You see that? That’s a quarterback leaping into the endzone like he’s some kind of football player. This isn’t a Tom Brady screaming at the refs because someone smudged his eyeliner. This isn’t Cutler sitting out a playoff game because his finger hurts. This is football; this makes Jesus happy.
Josh McCown > Jay Cutler
Oh and Tony Romo sucks, duh.
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