NFL Early Game Preview, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan



 

REDSKINS at FALCONS

 
RG3 has been benched for the remainder of the season in favor of Kirk Cousins.  I don’t have anything against Cousins, it’s just that I once saw Alabama murder him in a bowl game.  Then again, the Falcons aren’t Alabama.  The winner of this game’s fans will still be miserable.  You see, both of these teams and fanbases had high hopes coming into the season; 3-10 is a huge let down.  That’s why you should always go into the season like a Jags fan, expecting the worst.
 
Falcons maybe?
 

49ERS at BUCCANEERS

 
Well Bucs, you had a good run.  You got 4 solid wins in this season and perhaps saved your terrible coach’s job so that he may return next year to terrible again.  The 49ers are not in town for a visit to Busch Gardens, the redneck Disney Animal Kingdom, they are here to play football.  They aren’t going to go to the Salvador Dali museum, (though the Dali museum is amazing and is literally the only good thing in Tampa) they are here to murder you.  They didn’t come to Florida’s armpit for a churro, but yeah they may have a churro, those carts are everywhere.
 
49ers win.
 

SEAHAWKS at GIANTS

 
The Seahawks are really good, the Giants are not.  Discuss.   Maybe Eli Manning found an awesome rapping gennie named Kazaam and made a wish to become his big brother? Because if that didn’t happen then the G-men are screwed.
 
Seahawks duh.
 

 

BEARS at BROWNS

 
Josh McCown was playing great football and helping the Bears get some much needed wins.  So the Bears are going to put him on the bench and put Jay Cutler back in.  You see Cutler is married to a reality star and has made a guest appearance on ‘The League,’ you can’t debate his credentials.  Also the Bears paid a lot of money for Cutler and don’t want to think they wasted it.  This is an obvious case of BGS or “Blaine Gabbert Syndrome.”  A team paid a lot of money for a quarterback so the owner and GM pressure the coach to play him even though he sucks and is getting the team slaughtered.  It makes no sense business or otherwise, but it’s getting more and more common in an NFL where the owners are meddling more and more.
 
Browns get it.
 

PATRIOTS at DOLPHINS

All I want for Christmas is for Tom Brady to have a devastatingly bad game.  I want the great one to fall a few pegs and feel the pressure from the Legend of Ryan Mallett nipping at his heals.  The Dolphins D does not suck and the Patriots are without Gronk.  Oh Christmas could come early this year boys and girls, I hope you’ve all been extra good!
 
Fins up.
 

BILLS at JAGUARS

 
If the Jags were to win this game it would be 5 out of the last 6 and the earth would spin off its axis and fly into the sun.  So I’m torn between my team having a mediocre level of success and the continuation of life as we know it.  I really felt like the Jags had a shot in this one, but MJD is out.  We will have to see if the Jags can win on the arm of Chad Hen… HAHAHAHAHAHA NOPE.
 
The Bills beat my team, I write a snarky article about it.
 

TEXANS at COLTS

 
I hate both these teams, but the Texans have suffered enough.  It would be such a huge shot to the Colts ego to lose to the worst team in the worst division in the league.  (That’s you Texas.)  The Jaguars however swept the Texans, so lets not all hold our breath for the road upset.  I’m sure the Texans will be better next year under new head coach Lane Kiffin.
 
Colts I guess, whatever die in a fire.
 

EAGLES at VIKINGS

 
The Eagles have been on a bit of a roll;  some of this comes from a second half schedule that makes the Big 10 look like a grind.  Some of this comes from Aaron Rodgers being out with a shoulder injury.  The question is, does any of this come from the Ealges getting better?  The Vikings probably aren’t the team to answer that question but if this string of moderately impressive victories is for real, you gotta beat the Vikes.
 
Eagles win, ca-caw ca-caw!

 

Tags: Atlanta Falcons Buffalo Bills Chicago Bears Cleveland Browns Features Houston Texans Indianapolis Colts Jacksonville Jaguars Minnesota Vikings New York Giants Philadelphia Eagles Popular San Fransisco 49ers Seattle Seahawks Tampa Bay Buccaneers Washington Redskins

  • Karen Melanson Hartman

    Hahaha

  • Karen Melanson Hartman

    The pic , I’m sorry , but it’s funny

  • Austin Reese

    Entertaining article, that’s a lost art nowadays.