NFL Early Game Preview, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

 

BUCCANEERS AT RAMS

 
The Rams are a little hot right now.  They have improved to a very respectable (in the mind of a Jags fan) 6-8.  In fact if the Rams were to win both of their final two games they would break even for the season.   IT’S A CHRISTMAS MEDIOCRITY MIRACLE! Truly this is what Jesus wanted us to do with our lives.

The Bucs on the other hand are starting to realize that if they keep winning games they may have to keep Schiano for another year.  A dirty New Jersey Grinch may ruin the season down in the Whoville of Florida’s arm pit, Orlampa.

Go Rams.
 

BROWNS AT JETS

 
The Browns lost to the Jaguars so I’m already predisposed to think that they might not know what a football looks like.  “Is this the football?” asked Rob Chudzinski holding up a baby.

Meanwhile the Jets have a had a great season by Jets standards.  Relatively few butt-fumbles, relatively little Sanchez, and a better record than the G-men.  Of course the G-men are lead by the Manning brother with the missing chromosome so…

Let’s go Jets.
 

SAINTS AT PANTHERS

 
Can the Saints overcome the recent tragedy to hit their state? Can they fight through the emotional pain and turmoil that they and all their swamp living six toed neighbors are feeling?  I am of course referring to the the Duck Dynasty scandal.   I don’t support the views of the Duck Dynasty guy on gay people, and in fact I question how anyone living that close to New Orleans hasn’t had a little drag queen rub off on him.  You know that dude wears high-heels around the house while he complains about Obama and eats nutria.

I’ll take the Panthers to get revenge on the Saints.
 

DOLPHINS AT BILLS

 
The Fins are on quite the little run.  Knocking off the Pats last week really made me start to believe in them, which we know is a death sentence.  If a Jags fan starts to believe in your team you are destined for failure.  I bake bad juju like a chubby girl bakes cookies.

Sorry Dolphins fans but I think you beat the Bills, so you probably won’t.
 

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS

 
THERE’S A MIGHTY SLAP FIGHT GOING DOWN IN OUR NATION’S CAPITAL!  We couldn’t make two more impotent and worthless teams of opponents if we trotted congress out there today.  John Boehner pulls a Tony Romo and his interception is run back by some dude named Nancy Pelosi.   I guess the Cowboys should win this one legged butt kicking contest, but are there really any winners here?  Remember when this used to be a great NFL rivalry? Now it’s Ohio State and Michigan, the fanbases still think it’s a huge deal, but it doesn’t matter nationally in any way.

Cowboys?
 

VIKINGS AT BENGALS

 
Last week the Bengals woke up and were like “hey we’re the Bengals, better lose to a wildly inferior opponent!”  I have no faith in the Bengals.  I know the Vikes suck and the Bengals should win this game, but that’s what I said last week.  Maybe the Bengals just need me to pick the Vikes to get the inspiration they need? You’re welcome Bengals fans.

Vikes on top.
 

BRONCOS AT TEXANS

 
THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE, OH GOD THE HORROR.  CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED IN HOUSTON.

Yeah, uh, Bronocs.
 

TITANS AT JAGS

 
If the Jags won today they would move to second place in the AFC South.  We would have swept two of our three opponents in the AFC South for the year.  OMG HOW BAD IS THE AFC SOUTH?

It would be a personal moral victory for me if the Jags managed to sweep both the Titans and the Texans this year.  I would be so happy.  Are you listening baby Jesus?  I know you got starving kids in Myanmar and everything, but come on the Jags need you.

Jags…
 

COLTS AT CHIEFS

 
Dear Chiefs Santa,

I’ve been a big fan this year.  I’ve really supported your team and stuck up for you against all the naysayers.  I’ve been such a good boy, I did what my mom told me and I didn’t tease my sister very much.  I’m not asking for a super expensive Lego set or an Xbox One, what I want is so much more special.  Please please let the Colts lose.  I hate the Colts as much as I hate Auburn and the Phillies and we all know how much that is.   I want those wonky looking Midwestern troglodytes to have a sad holiday, is that so much to ask?  I know it’s a season of love, but that love should be reserved for God’s children, not Colts fans.  I think if you look deep into your hearts you’ll realize that baby Jesus wants this too.  A win over the Colts would be so much more valuable to baby Jesus than gold, fankincense, and myrrh. NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHAT FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH ARE! Please do it for me, do it for baby Jesus, do it for America.

Love,

Bandit

P.S.

If you want to throw a Lego set or Xbox One my way too that’s cool.

Tags: Buffalo Bills Carolina Panthers Cincinnati Bengals Cleveland Browns Dallas Cowboys Denver Broncos Houston Texans Indianapolis Colts Jacksonville Jaguars Kansas City Chiefs Miami Dolphins Minnesota Vikings New Orleans Saints New York Jets St. Louis Rams Tampa Bay Buccaneers Tennessee Titans Washington Redskins