NFL Week 17 Early Game Preview, Written By A Depressed Jags Fan

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JAGUARS vs COLTS

 
It’s been a hard season for me, but I think I have things in the right prospective now.   I realize that it’s only a game and the Jags success or failure doesn’t truly affect my real life.  I’m a kinder gentler more rational… I HATE THE COLTS WITH THE FIRES OF 1,000 SUNS AND I WANT NOTHING BUT PAIN, FIRE, DEATH, AND FAMINE FOR THE CITY OF INDIANAPOLIS.  YOU ARE A POX ON THE MIDWEST, YOU PEOPLE ARE THE ARKANSAS OF THE NORTH, BURN BURN BURN!
 
I’ll take the Jags because I enjoy both being wrong and having aneurisms.
 

JETS vs DOLPHINS

 
The Dolphins have serious playoff hopes, let that sink in.   At the beginning of the season the fins where just another Floridian football embarrassment; yet here we are at the end of the of the season and this scrappy band of bullies and homophobes could be headed to the playoffs.  That is if they can beat Rex Ryan and a Jets team that shouldn’t have had a season as good as this.  Some Jets fans are ready to part ways with Ryan, but does the mild mediocrity of this season prove that the Jets problems stemmed from the GM position?  Or is Rex Ryan destined to start that foot fetish website he’s always dreamed of?
 
I’ll take the fins.
 

TEXANS vs TITANS

 
If the Texans win this game they lose the first round so they have every reason to lose.  Another reason they might lose is that they are a huge dumpster fire.

The Texans are reportedly looking at Bill O’Brien of Penn State to fill their head coaching position.  As a Jags fan I can’t voice my overwhelming support this enough.  Not only are the Texans looking at a college coach with a resume predominantly consisting of Maryland, Georgia Tech, and Duke, but who is a current Big 10 coach.  For those of you who don’t watch a lot of college football the Big 10 is the Houston Texans of college football conferences. Kudos Texans, you are doing a fine job becoming the Dallas Cowboys of Houston.
 
I’ll take the Titans or a dinosaur attack that wipes out both teams.
 

LIONS vs VIKINGS

 
There is no point to this game.  Almost every game today has some kind of playoff or draft implications, other than this game.  This is two bad teams playing a final game before they slink off stage.
 
I think the Vikings win this game to see who will be the kings of the Canadian tundra this off-season.
 

BROWNS vs STEELERS

 
The Steelers are playing for the playoffs in this one, while the Browns are playing to stop the Steelers from getting into the playoffs.  The Browns QB situation is a mess, they have injury issues, and they are on a big losing streak.  The Steelers have really improved in the second half of the season and I think the Steelers force the win like Big Ben forces his dates to…
 
For the Steelers no doesn’t always mean no.
 

REDSKINS vs GIANTS

 
If the Redskins lose this game and the the Texans win they can get the first pick in the draft.  Well, they could have gotten the first pick in the draft, but they traded their first round pick to St. Louis.  Basically the first round Redskins pick in this years draft is RG3… YAY! Meanwhile this is the final opportunity for the Giants and Eli Manning to lock down some serious records in regards to interceptions and Manning faces.
 
I’ll take the Giants or a drunk blind dog who wanders onto the field.
 

RAVENS vs BENGALS

 
Can the Ravens put some magic together and beat the Bengals to avoid being the 15th Super Bowl champion to miss the playoffs the following year? If the Bengals win however they will go 8-0 at home, which is an amazing accomplishment for the Bengals.  The Bengals are headed to the playoffs either way but a win would build confidence that maybe they can get a playoff win for the first time since 1990.
 
I’m rooting for the Bengals out of cat mascot solidarity.
 

PANTHERS vs FALCONS

 
If they Panthers win this game they can lock up a first round playoff bye.  The Panther better win this game, because the Falcons are bad, real bad.  I really think the Falcons like the Texans are the saddest stories of this NFL season.  These two teams had such high expectations and have watched their worlds crumble before them.  The Falcons came home with roses and a bottle of champagne to find divorce papers.  Poor Atlanta, your sports teams are so Atlanta.
 
The playoff Panthers.

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Tags: Atlanta Falcons Baltimore Ravens Carolina Panthers Cincinnati Bengals Cleveland Browns Detroit Lions Houston Texans Indianapolis Colts Jacksonville Jaguars Miami Dolphins Minnesota Vikings New York Giants New York Jets Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee Titans Washington Redskins

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