10 Self Esteem Boosters from 2013

Most “Year in Review” posts you will read this week revolve around significant achievements or famous people who passed away this year.   How is that supposed to make the rest of us feel?  Now that the fiscal reality of Christmas is here, looking at all the people who have succeeded more than I have isn’t the good time most writers intend.  So this is my solution, let’s look at really stupid decisions made by famous or infamous characters.
 

 

10. Anthony Weiner

 
Anthony, I realize that you “came up short” this year, in the election and on this list, but thanks for giving us one more chance to laugh at you.  The only thing that makes you sadder than most dudes that get caught cyber cheating on their wives is that you went all Obi Won trying to pretend it wasn’t that big a deal.  The only thing that you have to promise us is when you judge that wet t-shirt contest this spring break just remember u-stream.  And no, just in case you were wondering, we don’t want to see the Kobe sized diamond ring  you bought your wife, aka Hillary 2.0.
 
Evidently, this guy has more skeletons in his closet than Dexter.
 

9. Tim Armstrong, CEO AOL

 
Yes, I know being CEO of a company most people can’t believe is still in business is enough.  However, Tim won’t go out like that.  Instead, he chooses to have an internal conference call with his employees and try to return this once proud proliferator of CD ROM’s back to its former glory.  How do you do that?  Well, that’s the secret sauce that helps CEO’s make millions and millions of dollars year after year.  Fortunately, we had a backstage pass.  It appears that the best way to motivate your company is a live firing.
 

 

8. Ryan Braun

 
Ryan Braun’s admission that he took PED’s this year felt like we were cashing in a Dumbass bond that has matured.  MLB finally, finally, finally had a bad guy that they could put their Kingsford briquettes under.  After looking like their enforcement staff was headed by Mr. Magoo, Bud has a “superstar’s” hide to nail to the wall.  Braun completed his “How to Kill a Career in Three Easy Steps” course by 1. taking PED’s, 2. lying about taking the PED’s with a ruin a honest guy’s life combo, topped off with, 3. release your “apology” as a statement on the Brewer’s website.
 
The only endorsement he can get after this is with Massengill.
 

 

 7. Bob Filner

 
This finally former mayor of San Diego resigned after he got his Tiger Woods badge on Foursquare.  He pissed off more women than pantyhose.  The only redeeming quality he possesses is the gigantic brass doorknocker he carries around.  Not only did he initially refuse to step down as mayor, but he thought he could just apologize, go to “treatment”, then just pick back up in City Hall.  Unfortunately, Bob was upstaged by another mayor.

 

 

6. Rob Ford

 
If you don’t know who Rob Ford is, then the best possible definition would be that he is the love child of Chris Farley and Marion Barry.  This guy admitted to smoking crack with the mitigating excuse of tremendous inebriation.  The only thing that is holding this guy back from super stardom is an appearance with Dan Aykroyd.  I give you a compilation of Rob’s greatest hits.

 

5. Justine Sacco

 
Justine was a late entry but managed to crack the top 5 of people that make us feel better about our choices.  She is, or was, a professional PR exec.  She is responsible for helping other people not screw up in public.  So in the same vein of accountants with unbalanced checkbooks and mechanics having their cars towed, Justine went to Twitter and shit her professional bed.  A free tip to all you up and coming PR ladder climbers, the fastest way to get fired is to mix AIDS, Africa, and race into a joke cocktail.  It doesn’t matter how many times you shake that Magic 8 Ball of “you took me out of context”, the answer is always Screwed.

 

Justine-Sacco

 

4. Grambling State

 
This school was far and away the most well-known HBC football program.  Once coached by Eddie Robinson, the winning-est coach in NCAA history, the Grambling Tigers resembled a program that was run by a chicken,  a drunk chicken.  They started off very rocky after a bad season last year and fired the head coach, mid season.  Did I mention that this coach was Super Bowl winning Doug Williams?  Did I mention that his son was the starting QB?  Did I mention that the stated reason that HC Williams was fired was because he didn’t put the right cover sheet on this TPS report when he bought a new floor for the weight room.  A weight room that couldn’t look worse if it was in Shawshank Penitentiary.

What was the result of all this fine decision making?  The players walked out.  They walked out of practice and didn’t even show up for a game.  This lead to a forfeit of a college game.  This might be the first forfeit of the Division I college football game since the Marshal tragedy.  Read the whole story here.  This entire program can only be compared to another HBC that is in the middle of a similar leadership reenactment of Jonestown, Alabama State.  Don’t give up Grambling, I’m sure you have a fine shot at being on the list in 2014.

 

3. Healthcare.gov

 

My brilliant breakdown on the failure of

 original

 

2. NSA

 
The NSA is filled with smart ass guys like the architect from the Matrix, except for their security guys.  Snowden made those guys look like Col Sanders.  This guy that looks like Michael Bolton from Office Space walks into the most sophisticated spying agency in the world and walks out with more stuff than a Los Angeles looter.  Now the government is asking Russia to send Snowden back to us like we are in some kind of dumbass game of Red Rover.  At some point in time, Snowden will have an “accident”, but it won’t help the NSA.  They have lost all their street cred.  Now, we should just trust them while they are putting a new slogan in front of focus groups.  NSA, all your data are belong to us.

architect sanders

 

 

1. Aaron Hernandez

 
This guy is making all of us look like geniuses.  Aaron is already in the lead for winning this list again next year when he gets the opportunity to bunk with Rae Carruth.  Maybe then they can have the real life Longest Yard.  Only the biggest idiot in the world would piss away millions and millions of dollars just so he can keep is OG status.

Hernandez had enough money to buy the Ray Lewis Guide to Getting Away with Murder, but he just wanted to keep it real.

Keeping it Real from joseph crews on Vimeo.

 

Topics: Best Of 2013

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