Jim Schwartz, Age 47
Another Lonely Soul Leaves Detroit
The post-apocalyptic world of Detroit mourns the firing of Jim Schwartz former head coach of the Detroit Lions. Schwartz lead the lo0sley organized armed gang known as “the Lions” to a 29-48 record. By the laws of the Thunderdome the new Lions leader is Ndamukong Suh who proclaimed “extra fights in the Thunderdome and extra raids on the villagers in honor of Coach Schwartz.” With that the Mongol horde rode off, chop-blocking several innocent bystanders along the way.
Schwartz’s greatest success was yelling “CAN YOU DIG IT?” during his bid to unite all of the gangs of Detroit and take over the city.
Schwartz is survived by a wife, children, the roaming street gangs of Detroit, and Robocop.
Mike Shanahan, Age 61
More Political Purges In An Unstable Regime
The peoples party committee of Redskins for the betterment of the football number one success yeah go rocket winners Super Bowl would like to announce the purging of imperialist traitor and evil unfaithful spy Mike Shanahan. Glorious revolutionary leader of totally not racist team name Dan Snyder is protector of the people and loves you all dearly. Everything glorious Dan Snyder does is for the people, all praise and hail him. Majestic Dan Snyder quoted as saying “Go F(*5 yourself D.C.” which in the language of the majestic court of the high leaders means “I love you and want you all to have ice cream D.C.” Dan Snyder then got 18 holes in one in golf and dunked a basketball before healing RG3 with his touch. RG3 was extremely smart draft choice that everyone think is great and best move ever not at all stupid.
We’ve always been at war with Eastasia.
Greg Schiano, Age 47
Jersey Trash Cleaned Out Of Florida’s Armpit
“You’ll never take us alive!” yelled notorious Jersey gang leaders Greg Schiano and Nucky Thompson.
Greg Schiano made his name smuggling moonshine in the speakeasy’s of Rutgers University. Under the leadership of Schiano Rutgers reached the heights of college football with successes like tying for 4th in the Big East. With that kind of pedigree and enough bribe money anyone can get hired as an NFL head coach.
Schiano soon moved his lucrative mediocrity business to Florida’s armpit, the tourist trap known as “Orlampa.” “Tampa, with it’s incredible number of strip clubs and churro stands is basically just like New Jersey,” remarked Schiano on arrival.
The honeymoon ended this year however when the Tampa Buccaneer’s front office finally hired someone who could count and realized that they had been putting up with this jackass while his record was only 11-20. “I get putting up with a jerk if he wins, but why were we putting up with a jerk who loses?” said Tampa Bays new math wiz a 19 year old intern.
Schiano hasn’t been seen in some days and it’s widely rumored that he “sleeps with the fishes.”
Rob Chudzinkski, Age 45
A Young Life Snuffed Out Suddenly
“He was so young, I never saw it coming…” bemoaned a shocked citizen of Ohio’s Detroit. Rob Chudzinski was only 1 years old when tragedy struck his family. “I wish he had gotten a chance to really live,” said his heart broken grandfather Roger Goodell.
Rob Chudzinkski was cursed from the start, born into the NFL head coaching equivalent of destitute poverty… the Cleveland Browns. Chudzinkski faced many challenges in his young life, like losing his quarterback to injury and having to wear the same orange that prisoners do.
The Browns held a beautiful memorial service for their former coach which was topped off with an inspiring quote read by owner and target of investigation Jimmy Haslam:
Rollin ‘ down the street, smokin ‘ indo , sippin ‘ on gin and juice. Laid back… – Princess Diana and Gandhi
Gary Kubiak, Age 52
Body Finally Discovered
“Wow, that’s a powerful smell” said police investigators who discovered the remains of former Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak. “We knew he’d been missing for a while, so we figured it was going to be a mess,” said agent Booth.
Kubiak was apparently let go sometime around December 6th but the people of Houston lost hope long before that. “We had a head coach? I just figured we used a magic eight ball to call plays” remarked one Houstonite.
“We lost to the Jaguars twice in a year, someone had to be killed,” was the simple and ruthless statement released by the team ownership.
Meanwhile Houston is already announcing a new birth a 6′ 210lb 44 year old baby boy named Bill. “He’s this years Greg Schiano, we had to have him!” exclaimed Houston GM Rick Smith. Both child and mother Bob McNair are said to be doing great.
Leslie Frazier, Age 54
A Mighty Viking Warrior Falls In A Dishonorable Way
“I thought naming him Leslie would toughen him up, you know like that Johnny Cash song,” said Leslie’s father. “I guess I was wrong, wow this football team is disappointing,” he continued.
Leslie was never a typical Viking with his not being Scandinavian or being born in the 9th century. Still he tried to do his best and lead his warband to a record of 21-32. Leslie Frazier was a kind man of faith found of neither mead or wench. While he may have done his best to civilize the Canadian provence of Minnesota his on field record just wasn’t enough to allow him to continue to be the chieftain.
“THIS IS A DISHONORABLE DEATH AND HE WILL NOT REACH STO-VO-KOR!” screamed Worf son of Moag.