Chiefs vs. Colts Wild Card Game, A Letter From A Depressed Jags Fan

Photo Sep 30, 5 27 58 PM
 
Dear Chiefs,
 
I am writing you today as a representative not just of the Jaguar’s fanbase but as a freedom loving American.  You see the Colts’ evil plans aren’t just a danger to the AFC South, but to democracy, liberty, and Jesus.  Our great nation was founded on the principal of life and liberty for all and I would like to show you simply why the Colts are evil God hating communists who want to take over the world and enslave the human race.  Please allow me to take a few moments to explain to you why you must win this game.
 
Genocide
 
First off the Colts are a team not just from Indiana but Indianapolis itself.  Indiana means “land of Indians,” yet I can’t find a single city in Indiana named Bombay or Deli; so they must really mean “land of Native Americans.”  The problem is that there really aren’t any Native Americans in Indiana.  In fact the 2010 census stated that only 1.7% of Indiana’s population was of Native American origin.  Simply put this is the “land of genocide.”  The Chiefs themselves are named after the leader of a Native American tribe, using this as inspiration for their team.  The Chiefs don’t call themselves the “Indians,” a name made up by an explorer who didn’t even know what continent he was on, no they use Chiefs.  As Chiefs it’s your duty to strike down these white devils where they stand.
 
Murder and Theft
 
The two top preforming companies in Indianapolis are a health insurance company and a financial services company.  Not only has the biggest company in Indianapolis probably let someone die, but the second biggest probably stole from their corpse.  These are the kinds of people that real Americans, the kind living in Missouri, don’t stand for. It’s fitting that Indiana also produced JOHN DILLINGER.
 
Chicken
 
Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken was born in Indiana.  However he gave his restaurant of delicious and nutritious chicken and lard a name based on another state, Kentucky.  Colonel Sanders did this because he knew if he called it “Indiana Fried Chicken” people would assume it was communist chicken.
 
Lying To Children
 
The city of Santa Claus Indiana receives half a million letters from children each year.  They steal these letters and keep them from getting to the real Santa Claus at the North Pole.  Indiana hates children so much they want to ruin Christmas.
 
Disloyal
 
The Colts ran off Peyton Manning because they thought they could do better.  Sure Andrew Luck is okay, but he is no Peyton Manning.  Manning gave these people everything, and they ran him off after the first little bump in the road.  How long until Indiana turns on America?
 
Evil Clowns
 
Peru Indiana was once known as the “Circus capital of America.” What is the circus full of? Clowns, creepy creepy evil clowns.  It’s not uncommon to see clowns preaching their Maoist rhetoric on street corners in Indiana.
 
Werewolves
 
Werewolfism is a serious and frightening form of dark magic.  Andrew Luck is an obvious victim of this condition as shown by his crazy neck-beard.  It’s up to you brave Chiefs to stop the spread of this dark art of the devil.
 
Double Dare
 
Mark Summers is from Indiana and I never got accepted as a contestant on Double Dare, no matter how many letters I wrote.
 
I implore you Chiefs to go out there and win this one for America! Finally put a stop to the evil disloyal dark art werewolf evil clown lying to children city of genocide Colts!  FOR AMERICA! FOR JESUS! FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOW THAT KANSAS CITY IS IN MISSOURI!
 
Remember this famous quote I got off the walls of the Cleveland Browns front office:

I got this killa up inside of me/I can’t talk to my mother so I talk to my diary. – Abraham Lincoln

 
your friend and fan today,
 
Bandit

 

Topics: Indianapolis Colts, Kansas City Chiefs

Want more from Lightly Buzzed?  
Subscribe to FanSided Daily for your morning fix. Enter your email and stay in the know.

LIVEFeed More ENTERTAINMENT news from the Fansided Network

Hot on the Web From golf.com