SAINTS vs SEAHAWKS
The Saints will leave behind the the eclectic weirdos of New Orleans to face the eclectic hipsters of Seattle on their home turf. This game is particularly painful for me as I will be forced to watch Russell Wilson, who the Jags passed on, for a punter. Enjoy your success Seahawks and the fact that your front office isn’t run by a troop of baboons who have been inbreeding and now are all mentally challenged. I realize that as a southerner I am contractually obligated to root for the Saints (and Braves) and yell “HERITAGE NOT HATE” after each play, but I’ve always been my own person. I’m rooting for the Seahawks (and Mets) because I know all about rockin’ the wolf on my noggin’.
COLTS vs PATRIOTS
The Colts and the Patriots, this is just horrible. Why not just let the Phillies play in this game too? (See above about Mets fandom.) You couldn’t come up with two NFL teams I dislike more. One is a bunch of Midwestern troglodytes who are in my division, and the other is the Patriots. Everyone hates the Pats these days and I’m just a slave to fashion. I think the Pats win this game, though that isn’t who I’m rooting for. No, I’m not rooting for the Colts either. I’m rooting for Bane.
49ERS vs PANTHERS
Fun fact: The Panthers entered the league at the same time as the Jacksonville Jaguars and yet they aren’t a huge dumpster fire of despair and horror. The Panthers are scrappy and I want to root for them in this game, but I can’t. You see the Panthers have two people in their organization that are responsible for a lot of pain for me as an Alabama fan. Cam Newton and Mike Shula, one was a QB that crushed the Tide and the other is the bumbling coach who turned my college experience into Chinese water torture. Mike Shula then went to the Jaguars, because he wasn’t done with my hopes and dreams. I also just think San Fransisco wins this game but… You know what? This isn’t healthy and my doctor said something about grudges and my crippling black NFL football depression. I forgive you Mike and Cam. Go Panthers.
CHARGERS vs BRONCOS
Everyone everywhere is picking the Broncos. You can’t really blame them though, after Peyton Manning walked on water and multiplied those loaves and fishes it’s hard not to think he can beat the Chargers. The chargers only real hope in this one is Peyton making a mistake or Phillip Rivers’ bolo tie giving him mutant super powers like an X-man. If Phillip Rivers gets wolverine claws and shoots lasers from his eyes then I think the Chargers have a real shot here, otherwise Broncos.
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