Let’s be honest. For true football fans, the last meaningful game of the football season is consistently one of the worst. Before I can even talk about the over hyped, over blown, over monetized game itself, we have to examine the circus around the game. With every classic circus you have the freaks. I will try to focus on the worst offenders but don’t hesitate to include your worst in the comments below.
1. You have to buy a new TV.
Really? What idiot is going to spend thousands of dollars on electronics for one, 1, single sporting event that will only last four hours. If you don’t get why this is such a stupid idea, then stop reading this and go put your gonads in a microwave for about 30 minutes. It is imperative that you sterilize yourself immediately.
2. Ad’s that use the words “Big Game”
If you don’t already know this then let me educate you, the words Super Bowl are copywrited. If you don’t want to offer a blood sacrifice to the NFL, then you can’t use those words in your ad. So when you hear restaurants or snacks or beer or TV or furniture or feminine napkin ads that use the phrase Big Game, they mean Super Bowl, but are just too cheap to buy the right to use those two special words.
3. The Official <insert noun> of Super Bowl <insert number>
I believe that the only consumer products that are left to use the words Super Bowl in their ads are particle accelerators and kitty litter box liners.
Everything else is taken. Sorry I know. I tried to get the official smell of the Super Bowl, but old moldy money had already beat me to it. Just go to the grocery store and you will see more Super Bowl logos than you will see at an actual stadium.
4. Roman Numerals
What the hell are we doing? We live in an age where we know what exact particle gives atoms their mass. We can clone mammals. However the NFL wants to make a game classy by using a number system that was developed when stone carvers hadn’t invented the curve yet. Why do you think that Romans use letters like V, L, X, or I? No curves. We don’t need to know about Roman numerals just like I don’t need to know how to put a wagon wheel on an axle or make soap out of drain cleaner.
5. The Game
There are a few exceptions, like the Rams/Titans and the Giants/Pats, but most Super Bowl games suck. They are truly bad games. That’s not unexpected. If you look at any games during the year, there is no way to guarantee which games will be good and which ones will be blow outs. College games have an advantage over the NFL just because there are more. So more games give you more chances to have a great outcome. Once again this letdown from the game itself is usually more of a product of two weeks of microscopic coverage. I mean if you tune to the Weather Channel or Food Network, do you really want to see some coverage of the Super Bowl?
6. The Halftime Show
Thanks Janet and Justin. After your little peep show, we now have the anti-boob, old white men. I don’t understand why we have to have a halftime show at all. Just show us more ads. We don’t watch a football game for the music. Extra bullshit like this doesn’t add any pleasure for football fans. In fact, you only make it harder on the real fans by encouraging idiots to watch. This produces a horrible experience for real fans.
Finally, we have reached the true abomination of the Super Bowl…
The “Name Your Event” Bowl
The original Bud Bowl was a good idea. It was new and unique. What we have now is not. Why do people people want to ruin perfectly pretty women in their underwear by making them do something that they aren’t good at? My wife watches one game a year for the ads alone. Why would someone create a competing event with puppies that make my wife and kids pester me about changing the channel? I will tell you why. Its because these people hate America.
We don’t have Cadburry eggs at Christmas and we don’t have puppies in football. The terrorists are winning if we can’t allow men to enjoy that last football game of the year. Shame on you TV folks. Shame on you advertisers. Shame on you America for letting this happen. George Washington didn’t live through winter at Valley Forge for you to bastardize my football game.