Hey buddy, how are you holding up? You’re probably still stinging from that loss the other night. That loss is the kind of thing that can haunt a guy, and I don’t want to see that happen to you. So I thought I’d write you this note to help you put the game in perspective.
First you need to realize that not that many people saw the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl brought in 111 million viewers, and while that might sound like a lot, it’s really not. The United States has 313 million people, so 212 million didn’t watch the game anyway. Now most of that 212 million are either children, in prison, legally blind, or from Vermont, (people in Vermont are basically Canadians) but that’s not the point. The viewership of the Super Bowl out of the whole world was about the same size as the population of the Philippines. I mean who cares what the Philippines thinks of you? The Philippines bigger problems like typhoons and tsunamis and earthquakes and volcanoes and Manny Pacquiao running for office.
A whole lot of people didn’t see you bumble your way to second place, heck even some NFL players didn’t see the game. Tom Brady was off drinking Cosmos and watching a Sex in the City Marathon while Giselle highlights his hair. Also, Aaron Hernandez didn’t see the game for that prison reason I already mentioned. Eli was in attendance but I have it on good authority that his focus in the second half was split between the game and a sick candy crush run.
The Super Bowl’s still wasn’t the most watched show in American history. I mean it might have been numbers wise, but the MASH finally got 60% of the population. This Super Bowl barely got 35%, the NFL is still getting its ass kicked by Alan Alda.
Peyton there are so many places you could go where no one would judge you. You could move to Somalia and become a pirate king, your giant forehead would be seen as a sign of great strength and the lesser pirates would fear you. Another possibility is Holland, Amsterdam is basically Denver under sea level and with less marijuana. A third option, if you’re really desperate to get away is Jacksonville. No one would judge you in Jacksonville my friend, we live with Chad Henne and Blaine Gabbert. The fact that you completed a pass during the game at all makes you a football God in our sad sad eyes.
Maybe you want to go in another direction, maybe you want to go somewhere where you’ll get a sympathetic look? There’s no shame in milking the sympathy from this thing, you got beat really really badly. The most sympathetic place might be Kansas City, KC actually had more Super Bowl viewers than Seattle or Denver. The folks in KC are kind and love football, plus barbeque. Another option would be Seattle, I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out. You are responsible for giving Seattle its first major sports championship since 1979. You’re practically a local hero out there. You can have any hipster girl you want and the lattes are on the house!
Perhaps moving isn’t the thing to mend your broken heart, perhaps you should take up a new hobby? Do you want to learn to play the guitar? For some reason I can see you in a dimly lit Denver coffee house on open mic night, rocking an acoustic version of ‘Wonderwall.’ Yeah, I thought that would be your jam. My hobby is juggling, but I don’t think that’s what you should go with. In juggling there’s a lot of throwing and catching of balls…
I hope this note has helped you see that you have so much to live for, this is only a bump in the road. Don’t forget how much your family and Papa John love you Peyton! Nothing is more important than family and Papa John! Keep your chin up, try not to pull a Brett Farve, and remember some people had a worse week than you.
Love you bro,