First off, you can safely assume this is not going to be about unity, love, brotherhood, unicorn tears, or Coke commercials. If you want that, then just move along. You should also understand that I live in the South. The predominant color of any Winter Olympics is white with all the snow and ice, but the color of winter in South is brown. Brown yards, brown leaves, and brown mud. No kid from Alabama is going to grow up to win gold in alpine skiing. The only time we see someone with a ski mask on is at a gas station late at night in bad part of town.
The only sport that Southerners could possibly enjoy is speed skating. Those guys always turn left and its really fun when they wreck each other like NASCAR. The biathlon could have a chance if they turned those targets into the shape of a deer. But I’m hear to go over the rest of the United Nations Convention on Events I Don’t Care About, otherwise known as the Winter Olympics.
1. Delayed Coverage/ Hemisphere Bias
I understand that the largest audience is available during prime time. However, thanks to this new invention called the internet anything that makes real news will be reported in real time. So any person that is paying attention will know what happens before 8 PM EST. Sorry, that’s not exciting. Therefore, the opposite is true, if you don’t know about it ahead of time, then it really doesn’t matter. If you want to get caught up in the “made for TV” Lifetime special commentaries and life stories of the athletes, then fine. However, that’s not sports. That’s a soap opera.
On to the other matter, why are the Winter Olympics always in the Northern hemisphere, Mr. Peabody? Well Sherman, that’s because at this time of year its summer in the Southern hemisphere. I guess even yankees can only care about the Winter Olympics if there is snow on the ground. If they had it in Chile in July one year maybe they would see what its like for the rest of the world, you latitude bigots.
The luge was not meant to have two people on them at the same time. Unless it ends up in a letter to a gentlemen’s periodical. Does it really make a difference if you have 2 or 4 people in a bobsled? How many kinds of slaloms do we really need? Ice dancing? What the hell! From where I sit, which is the willful ignorance section, the Winter Olympics are trying to specialize these sports to the point where just about everyone could get a medal. The same argument might be made in some the lessor known Summer Olympic events, but c’mon, this is just crazy. There are how many different snowboarding events? How many medals does Shawn White really need? And by the way, isn’t he like 64 now? Shawn White must be in some competition to be in more Olympics than there are Rocky movies.
The 2014 Winter Olympics are in Sochi, Russia. Not Soho, NY. This is Russia, whose “democratically elected” president for life was once the head of the USSR’s KGB. The Russia whose has countless video game characters who are all mobsters. The Russia who gives out vodka in school lunches. But somehow the US reporting elite couldn’t crack the code that the hotels and such around the Olympics were going to be sketchy. REALLY?! Did you think that the Directv commercial where the guy had a mini giraffe was the prototypical Russian household? What did you really expect? These reporters should man up and just realize this is a third world country that doesn’t have a 1%, they have a .01%.
4. Sports with Judges
The best sports in the word have an objective. Most points or runs, least strokes, fastest time. These are all goals that can be observed and measured. When everyone leaves the field the winner is, 99% of the time, clearly recognized by all. That is how the world should be. What we have in too many of the Winter Olympic EVENTS is a small group of “experts” that give an opinion on which person danced or twirled or sashayed better than the others. What’s up with that? If you want to give someone a medal for being the best in the world then they should have to make it across the line or farther down the hill than everyone else. Anything less is the same thing they do at a dog show. This goes to the opposite of what parents tell their kids growing up, “Don’t care about what other people think”. These folks live and die on what a “has been” or “never was” thinks. That’s not sports. That’s the down payment on a lifetime of therapy sessions.
5. Real Objective of the Winter Olympics
Let’s just be honest with everyone. Here is the real reason we have a Winter Olympics. Wealthy European countries want to have Olympic heroes. What are the chances that Norway or Finland or Switzerland is going to breakout with 20 golds in the next Summer games? ZERO. The Winter Games do a great job of trimming the competition. You won’t bring home Winter gold if your mountains have coffee growing on them. Or, you can recruit people from other countries that can’t make the team in their real home country. The guy representing Mexico this year in a mariachi suit spent like 2 days there in his whole life. That’s not sports. That’s a self esteem project for smaller countries and weaker athletes with less Summer Olympic aptitude.