2014 Winter Olympics (Terrible) Fashion Report

I’m sure you’ve been hearing about all the horrible things that are going on with the Olympics in Russia; the double toilets, toxic water, lack of pillows in the rooms and missing walls on buildings. That’s a story for another time. I want to get into what is important-the uniforms.

Some countries spend years and millions of dollars developing Olympic uniforms. Most are very classy and others look like they were designed by a 4 year old with a box of crayons (the one with the sharpener on the box, to their credit).

It wouldn’t be the Olympics unless we filled ourselves with faux patriotism and pretend we are experts in sports that we only see every four years. In keeping with the tradition of America being simply the best…let’s look at our uniform.

Okay…maybe it is the worst one. Let’s be honest, it looks like a really bad Christmas sweater (but without the irony). We all know Ralph Lauren is still living in the 80’s and it shows in his ‘Merica designs. It is clearly time to pick a new designer.

Just because we are the United States (‘Merica), that doesn’t mean we need stars and stripes on everything. It just solidifies the stereotype to the rest of the world that Americans are as loud and obnoxious as our uniform. If you are a fan of the uniforms and you weren’t affected by the economic recession, you can peruse the Team USA website and purchase a custom Ralph Lauren Team Polo for $145 dollars. Reinvest your tax return; you’ll be glad that you did. Well, for the next couple of weeks at least. Make sure you pop that collar up 80’s style. Pretty in Pink stars James Spader and Andrew McCarthy would be proud.


The next amazing uniform was brought to us by Norway, or, how about No-way. Last summer, women (especially Southern women) hunted down chevron pattern clothing almost to extinction. It looks like Norway hired Suzanne Sugarbaker and she told them chevron is the new black. Don’t get me wrong I might have one or two chevron items but sometimes it can be too much. Norway, this is entirely too much. One would think that a team with a Facebook page dedicated to their Olympic pants that somebody would’ve told them to chill with the chevron. This suit would have only been appropriate if one is part of a 90’s boy band. I have to believe that Norway’s design was them being funny and flashy whereas the Americans were being really tragically serious about their uniform.

To head towards a close of this piece, I have saved the best for last. Not because it’s the worst but because it is the most fun. I love people who don’t take themselves too seriously. So when I first saw the Mexican skier’s race suit, all I could do was stand up and slow clap. The skiers name is Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe and he is the second most interesting man in the world. I feel like Dos Equis might have missed a real opportunity to use this guy in commercials. He’s a Renaissance man of sorts. He’s a German prince (I use the term loosely), artist, pop singer and the only athlete representing Mexico in Sochi. If you haven’t seen the uniform yet I have posted a picture below so you can gaze upon its glory. I will wait till you’re done.

Mexican skier-Olympics

His ski uniform was made to look like a Mariachi costume. It is quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have seen at any winter Olympics. This is not the first time that he has worn an “interesting uniform.” In the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver, his 5th Olympics, the uniform was reminiscent of a Mexican Revolution fighter from a Spaghetti Western. It was replete with a bandoleer and guns. Being as he is the only person on the Mexican Winter team he gets to call the shots. I salute you Prince Hubertus. He may never win an Olympic metal but he has won at life and that is so much better. You can hear beautiful mariachi music in your head as he skies his way to mediocrity (tell me I am wrong).

Germany gets an honorable mention. Orange pants of any shade looks awful on anyone, just ask this guy.


Tags: Olympics Sochi Olympics Winter Olympics

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