A Breakup Letter To Blaine Gabbert From The Jaguars


 
Dear Blaine,
 
I think we both know that this has been coming for sometime. I would love to tell you “it’s not you, it’s me,” but I respect you too much for that. You deserve the truth.
 
Blaine, it’s you, not me. When we first met I was so full of hope for our future together. You really looked stunning with your golden locks shimmering on the practice field. In 2011 I was told you’d develop, you’d mature, you’d grow. Yet here we are in 2014 and you’re content being the guy who signals plays in to Chad Henne? Are you ever going to go back to law school like we talked about?
 
Don’t make this about Chad either. Chad was just a fling, it meant nothing, and Chad knows it. Do you really think Chad expects to keep his starting job over Teddy Bridgewater or Johnny Manziel? Besides, you’re the one who drove me right into his arms.
 
Chad was there for me when you fell down in the pocket every time a defensive lineman got close. It was so typical of you, doing everything you could to avoid people getting close. No Chad didn’t win me a lot of games, but he also didn’t sit out because his pinky finger hurt. If you wanted some time away from me all you had to do was ask, you didn’t have to make things up.
 
I tried to make it work Blaine, I bought all that Pantene Pro-V stock and what did you do? You cut off your golden locks and were no longer my flaxen haired minx.
 
Our relationship got off to a bad start to begin with because of your association with Gene Smith. I’m a tolerant person, I’m not Richie Incognito, but being the golden boy of Gene Smith is just bad juju. I don’t want to hurt Gene Smith anymore than I have too, he’s a fragile and broken man. I think it’s best if we just tell him that you went to live on a farm where there was lots of room to run and lots of animals to play with. The truth would only add to the shame he must feel for drafting a punter over Super Bowl champion Russell Wilson… on second thought, screw that guy. I’m telling Gene everything and I hope he jumps.
 
Maybe I am bitter, but I have every right to be. Don’t try to blame this on me either. Saying the Jags ruined Blaine Gabbert is like saying Bio-Dome ruined Pauly Shore.
 
I’m not unreasonable however and I hope you find whatever it is you’ve been looking for on the ground 20 yards in front of your receivers.
 
I left your stuff at your mom’s house and I’ve changed the locks to Everbank. The teal teddy you wore for me on draft night is in the bottom of the box.
 
Please don’t call or text me, I think it’s best if we have a clean break.
 
goodbye forever,
 
The Jaguars

Tags: Blaine Gabbert Chad Henne Free Agency Gene Smith Jacksonville Jaguars NFL Richie Incognito San Fransisco 49ers

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