It’s the opening week for America’s game, can you feel the excitement? Well good for you, because as a Mets fan all I feel is a sense of impending doom. Some of you might know me as a depressed Jags fan, well guess what? My baseball team is even worse. I invite you to join me for 162 games of pain, depression, hope, then watching that hope being crushed into nothing while you drink. Your team may not be featured every week, but I will get to explaining why you are so much more fortunate than me eventually. You’ll get a fresh weekly MLB review each Friday, so let’s dive right into the pool of horrors that is my life in sports.
Diamondbacks vs. Dodgers
G’day from the MLB’s gimmick opening day game! It’s America’s game, so we took it to Australia. I’m not sure I get why the MLB and NFL are trying to desperately to force themselves onto other soccer loving countries. You aren’t making enough money in the USA, really? “No, we aren’t,” replied Bud Selig as he came up for air while swimming in a vault of gold like Scrooge McDuck.
Arizona had some trouble getting to the ballpark as their bus broke down and they were forced to walk the last half mile. In related news Mark Trumbo is now engaged to a kangaroo named Cindy.
The Dodgers won both games in this series with Clayton Kershaw showing you exactly why he doesn’t play for the Mets. Kershaw was impressive with only one run allowed and five hits, that was $215 million well spent Dodgers.
Dodgers vs. Padres
The Dodgers played the Padres this week too and did manage to drop one game to them. Well, you may think 4 wins this early in the season is pretty impressive Dodgers fans; but let’s not forget the Mets have lost 3 times as many games as you already, while playing 2 fewer.
If anyone ever tells you that money can’t buy everything… well, that person isn’t a baseball fan.
The Padres one win came in the bottom of the 8th when they got a spark from Seth Smith’s homer. The Padres had the only game in baseball on Sunday and they won their home opener against the Dodgers. I hope you enjoyed your day in the sun Padres… and tell me what love feels like.
Diamondbacks vs. The Giants
Dang Diamondbacks, I got your back bros. Losing 4 out of 5 is rough on anyone, I know. You have to focus on the positive though, the Mets would kill to win 1 out of 5 games. I know it’s hard but I have a three step plan that may help you deal with this week.
Step 1: Drink
Step 2: Drink
Step 3: Drink some more
As for the Giants, you’re off to a good start. Now you just have to go play baseball’s million dollar baby, the Dodgers.
Braves vs. Brewers
The Braves dropped the first game of this series, but I attribute that to a lack of Waffle House. You see Waffle House is to the Braves what spinach is Popeye. This is why the Braves have a Waffle House right there in their stadium. If the Braves would just add a NASCAR track to their new stadium their fanbase would never leave.
Fear not Braves fans Chipper Jones is now writing for Sports Illustrated. “ME LIKE BRAVES, ME HOPE BRAVES WIN, OOOOHHH NO FIRE, FIRE SCARY, THIS MODERN WORLD CONFUSES AND FRIGHTENS CHIPPER,” said Chipper.
You got one win Brewers, what’s that like?
Rockies vs. Marlins
Rockies… I don’t even know what to say. This is embarrassing for both of us, let’s just try to get through it. You totally let Hayden Kane down… hard.
Losing to the Marlins is tough, because the Marlins are a bad baseball team that no one goes to see. The only way the Marlins could attract a crowd in Miami is if they let LeBron James bat cleanup using Chris Bosh as a bat. Maybe the Marlins are better this year… or maybe they will just look better because they play in the NL East. The NL East is the MLB’s France, we’re part of the alliance, but we are essentially useless.
I’ve always rooted for the Rockies because they have a dinosaur mascot and as my regular readers know dinosaurs are the way to my heart.
Yankees vs. Astros
YOU LOST TWO OUT OF THREE TO ASTROS? HOW’S THAT TASTE YANKEES? I mean I realize you’re still better than the Mets, you’ll still beat us, you’ll take our girls and kick sand in our face, but it feels good to see you lose. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Sure you can point out that you’re better than us, but we’re used to sucking, we’re comfortable here. You think winning is your birth right, well looks like this years team may have a birth defect!
Astros, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing God’s work. Truly you are blessed angles from that state that’s almost Mexico.
Blue Jays vs. Rays
I’m partial to the Rays too, being a Floridian. The Rays are the real Florida man’s team of choice, even if they play in Orlampa. I’m still a little uncomfortable with the fact that they play in a dome, it feels like that’s breaking on the of commandments… unnatural.
The Rays and the Jays are both pretty good ball clubs and will have good years. The scary part is the Blue Jays two wins, in one they scored 9 and the other 7. I think this shows you what can happen when the Jays offense is cooking. They might be the Oregon Ducks of the MLB this year.
Red Sox vs. Orioles
The Red Sox got off to a slow start, but won the series 2-1 over the Orioles. Boston will have a tough time keeping up with the Rays this year, but that’s ok. One thing I love is watching the Rays and Sox in a close race. Inevitably the stress and anger spill over when these two blue collar teams meet and we get a brawl. I know you aren’t supposed to root for fights in baseball, but the Sox have too much hockey in their cold northern blood.
Cubs vs. Pirates
Pittsburgh is 375 miles inland, there are no Pirates there. That has always bothered me.
Cubs fans got a win over the Pirates. Good for you guys. Now shut up about how much harder it is being a Cubs fan that a Mets fan. We both suck, it’s horrible for all of us, Jesus doesn’t love either of us. We should be comrades in suck, but Cubs fans take some kind of sick pleasure in being the worst of the worst. It’s a race to the bottom with these sociopaths. Get over it Cubs fans, other teams suck too.
Mets vs. Nationals
The Nats are the best team in the NL East, which is like being the skinniest kid at fat camp. None the less, the Nats beat up on the Mets pretty handily this week. I am not shocked. We lost because we are a poorly run club with young and poorly utilised players. This is why we will lose the vast VAST majority of our games this year.
You know what didn’t contribute to our failure? Daniel Murphy taking two games off to be present for his son’s birth. There are 162 games in a season. Murphy will be present for plenty of future Mets loses. This is not a team that’s going to miss the playoffs by one game, this is a team that’s going to miss the playoffs by 50 games. It’s best if you come to terms with that reality now.
Mike Francesa says that you shouldn’t sit around the hospital and hold you’re wifes hand. Well, first off Mike Francesa’s father abandoned his family when he was 8 years old. Which is sad and explains his raging daddy issues. Secondly Francesa has criticized Murphy many times before, if you think he sucks so much shouldn’t you be glad he’s gone?
This isn’t about baseball, it’s about dudes with tiny penises needing to explain that sports are more important than family.
Get over it.
Before you go and get furious in the comments that I made fun of your team please remember that this is a comic review, it’s supposed to have jokes. Also please keep in mind that I’m a Mets fan and Jesus is already punishing me.
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