Jameis Winston was accused of shoplifting crab legs from a Florida Publix supermarket today, but that might not tell the whole story. FSU fans are coming forward with first hand eyewitness accounts of what actually happened to Jameis Winston in the Tallahassee Publix.
“You should have seen how that crab was dressed, It was clearly asking for it,” said one FSU fan. “Publix is known around these parts as a goshdarn cleat chasing grocery store!” exclaimed another fan proudly dressed in an FSU shirsey. Yet another fan, known only as Bobby, stated “this is all a conspiracy set in motion by Alabama, I hear this grocery store is owned by an Alabama Alumni.”
Many in the FSU community believe that this is just another case of a promising young athlete being brought down by a crab with bad intentions. It’s become common for young crabs to attach themselves to athletes early on in college in hope of a big NFL payday. A good warning sign that a crab might be interested in you is when you see it pinch it’s claws and walk sideways.
It’s not just fans that are rallying to the defense of Jameis Winston. Winston apparently wasn’t alone in the grocery store, he was accompanied by his friend Gorton. “The crab had been doing shots all night, it was totally into it. I took a video on my phone that proves all this, but I deleted it,” explained Gorton.
Among all these legal issues one question continues to be the most important to FSU fans… “What about the Heisman? Can he still win that?” a clearly upset fan asked.
Seafood expert Long John Silver, had this to say “Jamies don’t even like crab legs, arrrrggh. At least not from a store like Publix, arrrrgh. I stand with Jamies, arrrrggh” (Of Note: Mr. Silver only has one leg to stand on, as his other is a peg.)
Lightly Buzzed did reach out to the crab for a comment through it’s attorney, but received nothing back… because it’s a damn crab. One thing is certain, the crab was wearing a very provocative shade of red in the frozen foods section.
When asked if the state of Florida would be pursuing any charges against Jamies Winston, the district attorney Willie Meggs stated that he is awaiting the results of a DNA test run on the butter sauce before making any decision.
In what might be ominous sigh for the FSU football team Jimbo Fisher was seen leaving Red Lobster earlier today. He made no public comment.
UPDATE: Lightly Buzzed can confirm, through our “sources,” that Auburn University has officially offered Jamies Winston a scholarship.
Lightly Buzzed will keep you updated on this story as it unfolds… hopefully with tartar sauce and some of those cheese biscuits.