OBITUARY: Tywin Lannister, Aged 58, Finally Murdered

Tywin Lannister, Hand of the King and Lord of Casterly Rock, was found dead this morning sitting on the crapper. Preliminary medical examination by a crazy old man in a robe and some bling has determined that either Tywin was shot with a crossbow by someone short or he ate a crossbow bolt and held a magnet to his chest.

“I would have given my right hand to save him” remarked his devoted son Jaime Lannister.

Tywin is probably best known for being an evil power hungry scheming jackass and manipulating people, also his love of bunnies and the colors red and gold. Tywinn didn’t let anything stand in the way of his family’s rise to power, even his own family. Tywin’s lust for power was almost as strong as his children’s lust for each other. Tywinn spent a lifetime stepping on powerful murder happy people like they were rungs in a ladder. One wonders if Tywin thought about the fact that after he was dead all those people would now turn on his family?

“I will miss evil pawpaw, OH LOOK AT MY KITTY” exclaimed the new innocent and perhaps slow child king Tommen Baratheon.


The Lannister family will now be led by a bipolar grief stricken bitter revenge hungry idiot who likes to get freaky with her brother. “She’s as smart as Ned Stark crossed with a giant and as likeable as a direwolf in heat, there’s no one I’d rather see in charge of the Lannister family” said Lord Petyr Baelish.

“My little birds tell me that emotionally abusing your children until they are all sociopaths may have consequences later in life” said a source that prefered to remain anonymous.

Tywin had a troubled family life. Tywin’s wife and the mother of his two children and one imp died giving birth to the deformed troglodyte. The imp is the leading suspect in Tywin’s murder, although the gold cloaks have not ruled out creepy shadow babies that crawl out of witch coochies. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of Tyrion Lannister, or have a midget head you wish to turn in for a reward please contact the gold cloaks.

“I’m glad he’s dead” said Maleficent Sansa Stark while doing something idiotic that will probably result in a Stark getting killed.

Love him or hate him, and let’s be honest no one loved him, Tywin Lannister died as he lived an old ass spewing crap.

Tywin was preceded to hell by his inbred grandson tyrant that was basically the Chris Brown of Westeros. #TeamJoffy

If you’d like to make a charitable donation in honor of Tywin the family asks that you not and just give them the money cause they are greedy as hell.

Tywin will be buried in the traditional crazy rocks on eyes manner this weekend.  It is a private funeral that will be attended by no one.  Tywin’s long time friend Dick Cheney is expected to give the eulogy.

Some chick Tywin was getting after was also found dead, we dumped her in the river.

What did you think of tonight’s episode of Game of Thrones? Do you have a favorite  Tywin moment? Let us know in the comments below.



Tags: Cersei Lannister Game Of Thrones George R. R. Martin Jaime Lannister Lord Petry Baelish Season 4 Tyrion Lannister Tywin Lannister

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