June 16, 2014; Salvador, BRAZIL; Germany player Thomas Mueller (13) celebrates after a goal past Portugal goalkeeper Rui Patricio during Group G play during the 2014 World Cup at Arena Fonte Nova. Mandatory Credit: Tim Groothuis/Witters Sport via USA TODAY Sports

Germany vs. Portugal, Bandit's World Cup Recap

Germany vs. Portugal

The first match in the “Group of Death” group G the toughest group in the World Cup, and the group that includes the USA.

The word “dominance” just doesn’t do this game justice. The Germans haven’t imposed their will on another nation like this since… well, they don’t like to talk about that time in Germany.

Most of this German win can be summed up in one word “Muller.” [category-related] Thomas Muller performed as well as any player has in this tournament, or any game this year. Muller scored 75% of Germany’s goals and earned the first hat trick of this World Cup. Hat tricks are just insanely hard to do in any soccer game, but a World Cup game, against Portugal? Just wow. You don’t want to be facing Thomas Muller… the USA will see Germany soon. (I just shuddered.)

Portugal made an impression as well, just not the kind they would have liked. It was classic Pepe being Pepe. Portugal’s Pepe got a penalty against the mighty Muller… then he leaned in and tapped heads with Muller. BOOM EJECTION. Now I realize that head butting can’t be allowed, but that was more of a head love tap.

Let’s go to the tape.


That is pretty brutal. It’s similar to the gentle head butts that the Allies used to capture Normandy. I understand that it was kind of a jerk move, but it’s hardly a devastating attack. The Germans were diving left and right. I always thought of the Germans as a tough and hardy people, but they are apparently very sensitive. The European teams do love to flop.

Sometimes it was hard to tell if the German players were hurt or just doing the Humpty Hump.


Yo fat girl, come here, are you ticklish?” – Germany

Bandit’s Rooting Interest: Obviously Germany is the big dog in the group of death, this is just an impressive team all around. If the USA beats Portugal then it’s going to be very difficult for Ghana or Portugal to advance. Portugal’s next game is the USA so if you’re a USA fan the choice is obvious. In the Ghana Germany game I think you have to root for Ghana to knock Germany down a bit before they play the USA.
Do you think Germany will win every game they play in the group stage? Is Germany that good or is Portugal that overrated? Let us know in the comments below.

Tags: Germany Ghana Group G Pepe Portugal Thomas Muller United States

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