I would like to respectfully ask the people at Allure magazine what in the freaking bloody tittyfucking hell they were thinking when they decided to put that picture of Jennifer Aniston on the front of their bullshit magazine?  I’ve heard of photoshop disasters but that goes into some new dimension of disaster.  That’s like a meteor hit the moon and sent it careening into earth and then both the earth and moon went flying into the sun which then exploded setting off a chain reaction that annihilated the entire galaxy.  Hey I’ve got an idea, let’s make Jennifer Aniston look like a heavily photoshopped cast member from the Real Housewives of Transylvania.  Then we’ll put a picture of her inside the magazine looking like Ke$ha and clutching a teddy bear?  Oh boy. (Allure)

photo credit: allure

photo credit: Allure

A lesson I learned long ago:  If you dress like an old vampire lady from a bad movie, you’re going to get your boob grabbed.  It never fails.  Also, you stand a pretty good chance of getting a marriage proposal from a man with a thick Eastern European accent who lives in a gigantic castle despite being flat broke.

Cebu Pacific Airlines loves its passengers and doesn’t think they should have to endure a boring safety run-through – so they have spiced up their obligatory demonstration of life-saving devices/procedures by adding Lady Gaga and cute dancing.  Some of those girls have a great future ahead of them as models on the Filipino version of The Price is Right. I now predict an epidemic of men being booted from Cebu Pacific Airlines flights for masturbating.

Pipedream Products, Inc. thought they could make a blow-up sex doll modeled after Kim Kardashian and sell it without giving Kim her cut.  Well I’ve got some bad news for Pipedream Products, Inc.  Kim Kardashian is on to your scam, and she has Lindsay Lohan‘s lawyer!

Yes, and Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is now suing Pipedream Products, Inc., claiming their Kinky Kim Filthy Love Doll violates Kim’s right of publicity.  I’m no lawyer myself, but I believe it’s going to be hard for Pipedream Products, Inc. to defend themselves on this one.  They certainly can’t claim the similarity between their doll, described in the ads as “a busty bubble-butt bimbo who’s had more dark meat inside her than a bucket of fried chicken,” and the real Kim is only coincidental.

Oh wait, they are claiming it’s only coincidental.  Well that’s a good one.  Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is going to tear these clowns a new asshole all the way up to the back of their neck, then split it wide and fuck it with a fist off a Paul Bunyan statue.

Stories of fast food-related violence normally involve people losing their shit because they can’t get McNuggets at 5 in the morning and trying to climb through the drive-thru window to assault the clerk.  But this one is different:  There isn’t a crazy customer to be found, just two cooks who need anger-management.

The incident occurred at a Wendy’s in West Hartford, Connecticut.  Two food preparers were in the midst of their duties when…well, no one knows exactly what happened, but something triggered a fight – which quickly escalated to the point where one of the cooks whipped out a knife.  Thankfully, the situation calmed down before anyone got stabbed or poked in the eye with a straw or their head dipped into a deep-frier.  The knife-puller, Derron Christopher Cooke, was arrested and charged with attempted assault and a bunch of other stuff.

Afterward, cops tried to clear up the details by interviewing Cooke and his attempted knifing victim about what caused the fight.  Hilariously, two different versions of the situation came out of the interviews (like Rashomon, but stupid and kind of greasy).  For his part, Cooke claimed that the fight started because his attempted victim was going to serve a piece of bacon that had been dropped on the floor.  Oh, going for sympathy eh?  Well, that story doesn’t fly according to the other man, who says the row began because Cooke criticized his chicken-cooking technique, then got worse from there (worse as in he almost got stabbed).

This may seem like a sad and pathetic story, but I actually find it encouraging.  Cause think about it:  In either version of the story, the bacon or the chicken, the fight starts because one cook didn’t take his job seriously enough and the other did.  I myself am heartened to know that Wendy’s employs people who care deeply enough about the quality of my colon-destroying pseudo-food to almost stab someone.  That’s a level of dedication you don’t see nearly enough of in today’s young food services workers.  I for one will be doing all my fast food eating at Wendy’s from now on.  While packing heat.

This makes Jennifer Aniston happy in very complicated ways.  Links…

Video Games Make You Better at Life (vbs.tv)

Along With Headaches, Tylenol Also Eases the Pain of Hurt Feelings (Asylum)

1983 Playmate Playoffs (The Smoking Jacket)

NES Coffee Table (TechVert)

That Food Ain’t Spelled Right (Gunaxin)

Meet Ines Sainz (Total Pro Sports)

Zombie Timeline: The Highs and Lows Before Resident Evil: Afterlife (Reelz Channel)

Man Attempting to Rob Bank Gets Convinced to Take Out a Loan Instead (Guyism)

Bristol Palin is Getting Dancing Lessons from Kate Gosselin (Popeater)

True Blood Recap: 3 Things I Liked About the Season 3 Finale (FlickSided)

Lady Gaga won a crapload of awards at Sunday’s VMAs.  Also, she wore a dress apparently made of raw meat.

It’s a good thing Morrissey wasn’t there, or he would’ve punched her.

And what crazy shit will Lady Gaga do to top her meat-dress stunt next year?  Ride into the arena in a buggy drawn by a team of naked midgets?  Have a penis grafted onto her forehead?  Learn to sing?

And then there was Cher, who relived her past dubious sex symbol glory by dressing like this.  She’s 64.

Bonus grossness:  Lady Gaga hugs Cher while wearing the meat dress.

photo credit: Bauer-Griffin

Who says the royals are worthless.  See?  Prince Charles sewed a grocery bag.  Just like a little brown Indonesian child in a sweat shop, except Charles has bigger ears and more inbreeding-related chromosome damage.

What else does Jerry Lewis want to do to Lindsay Lohan?  Forget it Jerry.  At your age, she’d kill you.  Hell of a way to go though.

Links…

McDonald’s Menus From Around the World (Picture) (Gutefrage)

Hilarious STFU Jesus Motivational Comics (Fork Party)

Shaq Crashes a Wedding (Hoop Doctors)

13 Worker Revolts and Labor Union Uprisings in Sci-Fi History (Blastr)

Ten Ridiculous Mario Physics Glitches (Joystick Division)

Nike Working on Power Laces from Back to the Future II (Gadget Crave)

The Man Who Licked Princess Leia (Inside the Movies)

How Will We Bury Our Dead in the Future, and In Outer Space? (Motherboard)

8 Places You Don’t Want to Check-In On Foursquare (Guyism)

Movie Review: Machete (FlickSided)