Jennifer Lawrence plays a feisty Ozark hill-person in the Oscar-nominated Winter’s Bone. But in real life? She’s actually a feisty Kentucky hill-person who cleans up real pretty and wants to have sex with her brother. Hold on a second, Jennifer Lawrence wants to have sex with her brother? Well no, actually, what she said was that she’s “attracted to her brother.” Because she’s from Kentucky. Hey Kentucky, don’t get mad at me, that’s what she said. I personally have never been to Kentucky and have no idea if the stories are true about brothers having sex with sisters and producing albino vampire children that have to go live in caves away from prying eyes and sunlight. I just know that Jennifer Lawrence is now a little hotter than she was yesterday. I hope she brings her brother to the Oscars so we can have a repeat of Angelina Jolie and James Haven playing tonsil hockey and making everyone vomit.

Jennifer Aniston isn’t exactly big box office these days but you wouldn’t know it from her behavior on the set of her movie Wanderlust.  According to an insider, Jennifer pulled a diva act of epic proportions while shooting that future financial disaster.  I had no idea Jennifer was this averse to human contact, but as the insider reports, “It was an unspoken thing that you couldn’t get within 20 feet of Jennifer. She surrounded herself with a ring of buffers at all times. She traveled with them from her trailer to the set and back.”  Stay back peasants!  Do not dare get within 20 feet of the great Jennifer Aniston who despite having no box office clout whatsoever is apparently convinced she is a Hollywood superstar on par with Julia Roberts and Angelina Jolie!  Honestly, where do people get their ideas from?  Yo Jen, try having a hit before you start going all Mariah Carey on us, okay sweetcheeks?

There’s a three-way cat-fight brewing in the world of Hollywood ladydom.  At one corner of this triangle of animosity is late night “funny lady” Chelsea Handler.  At another corner stands the anointed savior of humanity Angelina Jolie.  And at the third corner we find world-famous romantic failure and arsenic-level dose of box office poison Jennifer Aniston.  If I were into drawing diagrams I would draw a diagram, but since I’m the verbal sort I will now use words to lay out how this works:  Chelsea called Angelina a fucking bitch and a cunt because Angelina stole Jennifer’s man Brad Pitt away and now Jennifer is telling her friend Chelsea to not say any more bad things about Angelina because Jennifer just wants to forget about the whole Brad thing even though the pain of losing him still stabs her in the heart like a thousand really sharp knives that have been dipped in some substance that makes wounds stay open forever and hurt a thousand times worse than normal.  Or as an Aniston insider put it, “Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same.  She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again and landing her on the cover of a weekly magazine tomorrow with a Brad headline.”  So far there has been no comment from Angelina Jolie, which is typical of that fucking bitch who thinks she is above everyone and everything else.  And…I think that about covers it.

Angelina Jolie thought victims of war rape would be incredibly grateful to her for bringing their story to the screen in her directorial debut, but she thought wrong.  Instead, the real-life Bosnian war rape victims whose harrowing and brutal tale Jolie means to cash in on are pissed off at the actress for being ignorant and disrespectful.  The rift between Jolie and the rape victims opened up when the victims heard rumors that Angie’s Hollywoodized story involves a Bosnian woman falling in love with a Serb prison guard after being raped by him.  Sounds romantic to me, but the Women Victims of War association would beg to differ.  “Angelina Jolie’s ignorant attitude towards victims says enough about the scenario and gives us the right to continue having doubts about it,” the WWW said in a letter.  Angelina tried to quiet the situation by sending authorities a copy of the script, which despite the rumors, does not have anything in it about rape victims falling in love with their attackers.  This was not enough for the Women Victims of War association who demanded to meet with Jolie face-to-face, only to be blown off.  Now the women want Jolie stripped of her fake United Nations world ambassador title.  I never thought I’d live to see the day when Angelina Jolie would be blasted by the poor downtrodden people she spends her life making sad faces at for photo ops.  Her saintly aura is a little dimmer today.

Angelina Jolie is a crazy bitch with a thing for tattoos, knives and (probably) having sex with animals, and judging by the stuff Angelina talked about in her new Vogue interview, her biological daughter Shiloh is the proverbial apple that hasn’t fallen far from the tree.  According to Angie, Shiloh recently walked into the house and asked mommy something strange enough to probably warrant a psychiatric evaluation.  “She came in and said, ‘Can I have a dead pet?’” Jolie told Vogue. “And I’m … ‘Uh-uh, I don’t think it’s healthy, honey. I think they have to put him in a box,’ and I had to run out to find, like, a taxidermy bird. I just worked it out for her.”  Angie went on to say that she finds her daughter’s twistedness “hilarious.”  Yeah Angie, it always is.  Until you catch them dissecting squirrels.  Then it’s like, “Okay, my daughter may be a future serial killer.”  Unless you’re Harry from Dexter and have a plan for creating a cold-blooded killer who is actually a defender of the innocent, you are not going to be happy about discovering your child’s homicidal tendencies.

This makes Jennifer Aniston happy in very complicated ways.  Links…

Video Games Make You Better at Life (vbs.tv)

Along With Headaches, Tylenol Also Eases the Pain of Hurt Feelings (Asylum)

1983 Playmate Playoffs (The Smoking Jacket)

NES Coffee Table (TechVert)

That Food Ain’t Spelled Right (Gunaxin)

Meet Ines Sainz (Total Pro Sports)

Zombie Timeline: The Highs and Lows Before Resident Evil: Afterlife (Reelz Channel)

Man Attempting to Rob Bank Gets Convinced to Take Out a Loan Instead (Guyism)

Bristol Palin is Getting Dancing Lessons from Kate Gosselin (Popeater)

True Blood Recap: 3 Things I Liked About the Season 3 Finale (FlickSided)

There’s a church in Florida that wants to observe the anniversary of 9/11 by burning copies of the Muslim holy book the Quran.  This struck me as kind of a rude thing to do, but still, I wasn’t sure one way or the other how I should feel.  So I did what I always do in these situations:  Went Googling around to find out what Angelina Jolie thinks.

As I soon discovered, Angelina is against burning Qurans and all other holy texts.

“I have hardly the words that somebody would do that to somebody’s religious book,” Jolie said of the matter.  It needs to be pointed out now that, at the time of her statement, she was surrounded by Pakistani flood victims, all of them Muslim.  So, it’s probably not a surprise that she decided to denounce the burning of Qurans.  There’s a reason Angelina does so well in these far-flung, messed-up countries full of religious fanatics and cannibals and such.

The BP executives responsible for the oil spill are lucky Brad Pitt isn’t in a position to dole out justice, because if he were, they would be headed for the gallows.

Or maybe Brad would prefer to fry them in Old Sparky.  Or perhaps he would release them into the woods on his private island and shoot them from the back of his elephant.

I have no idea which execution method would give Brad the biggest hard-on.  I just know, after what he said in a new Spike Lee documentary about the star-crossed New Orleans area, that he wants BP exec blood in reparation for the damage inflicted by the company.

“I was never for the death penalty before,” Brad growls in the movie.  “I am willing to look at it again.”

Strange, but I never saw Brad Pitt as the bloodthirsty sort.  I thought potheads were all laid-back.  Living with Angelina Jolie and all those brats must be making him hard and cruel.

He needs to call up his pal George Clooney and have a good old-fashioned coke-and-hookers party.  Let some steam off.

Get Celebrity Updates from Lightly Buzzed on Twitter

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have sent a clear message to the tabloids of the world:  Make up crap about us and you will pay.

The world’s greatest celebrity couple drove this message home by successfully suing News of the World after the UK tabloid published then failed to retract an apparently fabricated story about the couple’s separation.

Thursday in London’s High Court, News of the World made it good with Brad and Angie by forking over an undisclosed amount of cash.

Of course it isn’t about the money – it’s about defending the truth.

But it doesn’t hurt to have a little extra cash too, especially when you have all those kids to feed and clothe.

I hereby assert that everything stated in the above post is factually accurate and in no way defamatory.  Please Brad and Angie, don’t come after me. Did I mention how much I loved Mr. and Mrs. Smith?

Oprah Winfrey spent one terrifying year at #2 on the Forbes Magazine list of the 100 most powerful celebrities on planet earth.

But this year, Oprah is once again back on top.  And that bitch Angelina Jolie, who bumped her from the top of the heap in 2009?

She’s all the way down at #18.

Take that you scrawny Mother Teresa wannabe!

And make way for the sisters.  Not only is Oprah #1, but Beyonce is #2.  And Tyler Perry, whose fame is based largely on his ability to pass himself off as a sister, is #25.

Then there’s Lady Gaga, who rides a wave of controversy and crappy music all the way to the #4 slot, just behind James Cameron.

Tiger Woods and his mistress dramas come in at #5.  Britney Spears, for some reason, ranks sixth.  Then come washed-up rockers U2 at #7, America’s favorite wronged woman Sandra Bullock at #8, Johnny Depp at #9 and Madonna at #10.

No, I didn’t forget Miley Cyrus.  She actually didn’t crack the Top 10, but placed thirteenth.  One slot ahead of wholesome rival Taylor Swift.

The entire Celebrity 100 list is available at Forbes.com.  And don’t bother looking for Snooki.  She isn’t on there.

Shocking, I know.