Here’s your official SAG Awards Summary: Mila Kunis looked really hot, Natalie Portman won something, Betty White rubbed her award’s butt, Winona Ryder made a weird face, Alec Baldwin was drunk, Helena Bonham Carter wore a weird dress, some crazy crackhead crashed Christian Bale’s speech and…uh, Mila Kunis looked really hot. That’s all I got. It sucked.

This was at the end of Community.  I only saw it because I was waiting for 30 Rock to start.  I’m pretty sure they must be cloning Betty White because there’s no way that old lady could do so much stuff and not keel over.  Links:

What Would Happen if You Put Your Hand in the Large Hadron Collider? (Engadget)

The 7 Most Dangerous Places You Should Never Visit (Guyism)

25 Unappetizing Competitive Eating Pictures (Holy Taco)

Super Mario Bros. Fan Art of the Day (The Daily Wh.at)

Movie Review: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (FlickSided)

Kim Kardashian at Oktoberfest (Hollywood Tuna)

Miss Piggy’s Sexiest Outfits (Hollywood Life)

Man Tries to Catch Cricket Ball, Falls on Face (Break)

The 10 Coolest Licensed Lego Lines (Topless Robot)

When Celebrities Delete Their Twitter Accounts (Complex)

No, I swear, they always say that.  Or maybe I just imagine it.

Could Betty White soon join an infamous list including Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and Pamela Anderson?

According to pervasive internet rumors, the answer is yes…sort of.

The pop culture savvy among you will have already realized what the women listed in the first sentence have in common:  all have been featured in widely-circulated sex tapes.  Having realized this, you will now want to know why the hell Betty White’s name is being brought up.

First off, let me reassure you:  no one is claiming to have a video of Betty White having sex.  So, breathe a sigh of relief.

And now prepare to hold your breath again, because even though there is no known sex tape of Betty White anywhere on the planet, there are allegedly some photos of Betty getting it on with late husband Allen Ludden.

According to the aforementioned rumors, these sexy photos of Betty and Allen were left behind in a box after Betty changed houses.  The person in possession of these compromising images was happy to sit on them at first, but now that Betty is a hot property again, they may be looking to cash in.

And the chances of this rumor being anything more than a figment of some person’s devious imagination?  Probably low.

Then again, we learned from Saturday Night Live that Betty has a very healthy dirty side.  So, maybe there are sex photos of her floating around.  And, if they’re published, maybe Betty will even be proud of them.

Betty White‘s Saturday Night Live appearance made oldness seem cool for the first time in recorded history.  Then, on Sunday night, Andy Rooney came along to remind us that, in spite of folks like Betty White, most old people are actually still incredibly grouchy and out-of-touch with anything most of the rest of the world cares about.  The bridge Betty built between generations was stomped by Rooney like a great big liver-spotted Godzilla going to town on a plastic model.  This is why the aliens left Andy behind when they took Wilford Brimley and Don Ameche off to live forever.  Who wants to listen to that shit for eternity?

Saturday Night Live used to be cutting edge. Now it’s been reduced to trotting out old show-biz warhorses like Betty White and writing them dirty jokes about muffins.  Somewhere, Joe Piscopo is weeping. Unless he’s dead.

Um…yeah.  Links:

Five Weirdest Cryptological Mysteries (None Having to do With Lost) (Gamma Squad)

10 Worst Wives/Girlfriends in Literature (Guyism)

Cannabis Day Humor (Gunaxin)

Dunk Fail: Dude Jumping Over Four Females (TotalProSports)

Spartacus: Blood and Sand is Really About Pro Football (FlickSided)

The 7 Best Foods to Eat When You’re Stoned (Holy Taco)

The Second Trailer for Crackdown 2 is Epic Beyond Belief (I Heart Chaos)

A Hoodie That Updates Your Facebook (TechVert)

Anna Paquin Has the Same Disease as Jennifer Aniston (Don Chavez)

Y.E. Yang Doesn’t Think Dan Jenkins is Funny (FanSided)

Larry King loved the idea of interviewing Betty White – finally, a guest who is older than him.  Larry took advantage of this rare opportunity to throw some really probing questions at Betty, like, “You were a loose woman, weren’t you?”  And Betty didn’t strangle him.  A model of restraint, is Betty White.

Robert Pattinson appeared on The View this morning to promote his new girlie flick Remember Me, co-starring Claire from Lost, and somehow the conversation turned to the subject of older women, and specifically, whether Robert would ever consider dating one.  Robert elected to ignore what was basically a come-on – “Would you ever date an old woman Robert?  Would you?  Would you?” – and answered the question with a quip sure to make many a viewer gag:  “I think Betty White is one of the sexiest women in America.”  Not “one of the sexiest older women in America,” mind you, but flat out, “one of the sexiest women in America.”  Right up there with J-WOWW, Octomom and Kathy Griffin.  Okay, I kind of suspected Robert Pattinson was a freak, but I had no idea, and now I wish I could give myself amnesia going back to before I read about this.

Other Links You Might Enjoy:

Monday was the night Jay Leno‘s many fans had been waiting for – the night of Jay’s triumphant return to the Tonight Show after a brief banishment to the hinterlands of prime time.  It was clear from the first moment that Jay meant to make his reboot a memorable one:  he opened the show with a Wizard of Oz skit – he’s Dorothy waking up from the “dream” of going to prime time blahblahblah – and delighted America by trotting out its favorite elderly potty-mouth for a cameo.  No, not Dick Cheney.  Betty White.  You can always count on Jay Leno to feature the freshest young talent.  And, as the Oz sketch proves, his references remain hip and cutting-edge.

It was then on to the monologue.  As expected, Jay made no mention of Conan O’Brien whatsoever, Conan’s name having been forever banned from NBC along with quality dramatic writing and decent sports presentation.  He did joke about his Super Bowl spot with David Letterman and Oprah – and of course he made some George Bush jokes, because those never get old.  He also demonstrated how edgy he can be by showing a clip of a large-butted woman in tight yellow pants gassing up her car.  This is why, when you came back from the bathroom, you found your grandfather kneeling in front of the TV muttering something about unripe tomatoes.

The material may have been as lame as ever, but Jay seemed energetic, and the crowd seemed into it.  That was when the miracle happened:  a funny bit.  In a nod to his own popular Jaywalking routine, Jay went out amongst the rabble, knocking on doors all over Burbank and asking strangers to let him look at their desks.  Because he was back on the Tonight Show and he needed help picking out a new desk – you see?  Trust me, it was funny.  It’s always funny when celebrities knock on random normal people’s doors and surprise and delight them.  And it’s even funnier when random normal people’s dogs almost bite celebrities on the face.

The bit ended with Jay unveiling his new desk – which, for some reason, includes a wind turbine.  A subliminal green energy message?  I have no idea.  All I know is that, if I somehow suddenly woke up on the Tonight Show set, I would think I was in the living room from a Real World house, and would expect some dreadlocked hipster with a pierced septum to come walking through naked.  I would be shocked to see Jay Leno.  Almost as shocked as he would be to see me.

But now, on to the guests.  First up:  Jamie Foxx.  It quickly became clear why Jamie was chosen to be Jay’s first guest out:  if you give Jamie a cup of booze and a mic, he will cheerlead for you until he drops.  Jamie brought the entire repertoire of skills:  he sang, he danced, he fired up the crowd with chants, he simulated actions from Olympic events, he spazzed out and spilled his cup all over Jay’s new carpet.  In between all that, he sat and talked about Kirstie Alley.  My God, is that man ever multi-talented!  Does he also do penis puppets?

Jamie’s appearance damn near wore me out – but the night wasn’t over yet, because Jay still had to talk to Lindsey Vonn, Olympic hero and smokin’ hot babe.  Lindsey didn’t really have a lot to say – she skis for a living; how many words could she really know? – but she did show a lot of leg, and did manage not to barf when Jay asked a really inappropriate question about her husband coaching her in bed.  And she talked about using cheese to help with shin bruises.

When Lindsey was done babbling and blinding everyone with her shiny white gams, Brad Paisley came out to sing about Saturday night in America, or something, and play his guitar in front of a big American flag.  Because last night was all about America!  The dominance of the American Olympians.  The talent of America’s singer-rapper-actor-cheerleaders.  And, above all, the relief of having that great American institution, the Tonight Show, back in the hands of a mature, responsible backstabber.

Welcome home, suck-ass.