Conan O’Brien‘s gonna need to step his game up if he wants his new TBS show to take off.  Getting Tom Hanks as a guest?  Good start.  But then you waste him on some strained bit that takes forever to set up, and finally pays off with a gag that wasn’t funny 25 years ago on You Can’t Do That on Television?  George Lopez is thinking, “I got bumped for this?”

The world waited with breathless anticipation to see what gags Conan O’Brien would pull in the cold open for his first show on TBS.  My money was on 10 minutes of interpretive dance, but I was wrong.  Instead, Conan recreated the famous “they shot Sonny on the causeway” scene from The Godfather.  Then he tried to apply for a job with Don Draper (sadly, there was no fucking or drinking).  Then he was going to kill himself but his guardian angel Larry King showed up.  So, basically, Conan is a shameless name-dropper who’s seen The Godfather too many times.

The hype for Conan O’Brien‘s new TBS show has officially been going on longer than Conan’s stint on The Tonight Show.  This is a lot of build-up for a show no one is going to watch.  Links…

10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Empire Strikes Back (Wired)

Five Things We Learned from Donkey Kong Country (Joystick Division)

Classic “When Fiction Becomes Reality” Pictures (Unreality Mag)

6 Things That Are Secretly Turning You Into A Bad Person (Cracked)

The 10 Most Bizarre American TV Shows (Like Me/Daily)

5 Things For Which Canadians Should Be Thankful (Holy Taco)

Jock and Awe: 30 Athletes Grabbing Their Junk (Total Pro Sports)

The 12 Worst Drew Brees Baby Name Suggestions (Guyism)

Horror Movie Kill Of The Week (FlickSided)

Awesome Pictures That Could Only Come From the ’80s (Ego TV)

It seems like a hundred years since the news came out that Conan O’Brien would be returning to late night TV on, of all places, TBS.  And over the course of that seeming century, most of us have stopped giving a damn if we ever see Conan O’Brien on television again.

And Conan O’Brien?  He keeps chugging on like the little engine that could (score the greatest gig in late night TV only to have it ripped from him a few months later by a man with a deformed face, a squeaky voice and the moral sense of a predatory sea creature).  Here’s Conan on video officially announcing the name of his new show.

Please tell me that’s not his set.

Conan O’Brien has made a spoken-word single called “And They Call Me Mad.”  In it, he plays Dr. Frankenstein.  But not a normal Dr. Frankenstein.  This Dr. Frankenstein likes lattes.

And, I’m guessing, foot rubs.

Go to Pitchfork to hear it for yourself. Quickly, because the preview expires soon.

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The new promo for Conan O’Brien‘s forthcoming TBS show pays homage to Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Because Conan’s new show is going to be just as funny as Monty Python.

I believe that’s what they call over-confidence.

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NBC vs. Conan O’Brien is officially as tired and over-reported as Red Sox vs. Yankees and Nazis vs. Jews.  But, since this is the game we play, we must drag ourselves to where the action is and repeat what has been said.  This time, NBC is attacking Conan – calling him a liar for claiming on 60 Minutes that there was no way the Tonight Show lost money while he was at the helm.  “I don’t see how that’s, I honestly don’t see how that’s possible,” O’Brien stammered when asked by Steve Kroft about the losing money report.  “It’s really not possible.  It isn’t possible.”  NBC has responded by saying the Tonight Show would’ve lost $5 million had they not dumped Conan for Jay Leno – a fact Conan was “well-informed” about according to a source.  Well, clearly, the only solution here is to give Conan a sword and let him run amok through the offices of NBC.  And then when his bloodlust is satiated, at last, he may rest.

I have no problem with Conan O’Brien going on 60 Minutes to give his side of the story – even if he ended up sounding like a whimpering little bitch.  You know what I do have a problem with though?  That god damn beard.  It makes him look like a pale sickly lumberjack, which completely contradicts not only my concept of what Conan O’Brien is supposed to look like, but utterly stomps my image of a lumberjack, which does not include pallor or sickliness.  In my world, lumberjacks are hale and hearty – they do not look like they just did a year in a TB sanitorium.  And they certainly don’t sit there getting all teary-eyed while spilling their guts to Steve Kroft.  So, either Conan shaves the beard, or he stops being a lame-ass.

David Letterman says he wishes the Jay Leno/Conan O’Brien controversy were still going on.  Actually, it seems to me it is still going on, and will continue to go on as long as people keep trashing Leno like he is some kind of freakish combination of Hitler, Pol Pot, Vlad the Impaler and a pissed-off box jellyfish.  It would be nice if Letterman would stay above the fray on this but, clearly, that’s not going to happen.  BTW, I wonder, since he had Dr. Phil on the show, did Letterman raise any of his own issues – like that whole thing where he can’t keep his hands off his employees.  I’m guessing not.