Dancing With the Stars will have to find some other washed-up former child-star to appear on its next season, cause Lindsay Lohan is not interested.  Lindsay’s mom Dina explained, “Lindsay is a great dancer, but she’s taking a break right now. She has been through a lot.”  Then Dina did the classic stage-mom thing and made herself the focus.  “Our family loves the show because I’m a dancer, and I taught dance when Lindsay was growing up.  I dragged her from one dance studio to another, and she sat in front of the mirrors and watched, while I taught.”  Yes, and then you dragged her from one seedy hotel to another while you performed your “night job.”  That pretty much explains how Lindsay ended up the way she did.  Too bad about her not being on DWTS.  The show needs more junkies who’ve thrown their careers away for nothing.

Lindsay Lohan has hit rock bottom.  Yes folks, it’s sad but true:  she’s negotiating to appear on the next season of Dancing With the Stars.  This is worse than an OD.  Worse than a trip to rehab.  Worse than doing porn.  Worse than a guest spot on Desperate Housewives.  Pray for her everybody.  Pray she pulls out of this tailspin.

A Lightly Buzzed Editorial:  Brandy getting voted off Dancing With the Stars and Bristol Palin surviving to the finals is possibly the biggest load of bullshit in the history of television.  Certainly it is the biggest load of bullshit since those bastards canceled Cop Rock.  If Mount Everest were a mountain, which it is, then Brandy getting voted off and Bristol not getting voted off would be another mountain right next to it, ten times taller than it, and entirely made of bullshit.  Am I getting my point across?  You suck today America.  Not as bad as you sucked when you looked the other way while your government was financing the vile and murderous but conveniently anti-Vietnamese Pol Pot regime, but give it a few more hours.

Audrina Patridge‘s mom Lynn is having a hard time dealing with her little girl’s ouster from Dancing With the Stars.  She also has a problem with Audrina’s Hills co-star Lauren Conrad.  And where does she stand on illegal immigration?  Now I know why Audrina has no personality – cause her mom got it all.

I was hoping Dancing With the Stars would help me get over my disappointment over that lame-ass Mad Men season finale, but alas, DWTS has become rather boring itself.  I hate to say it, but I think they got rid of The Situation too soon.  Yes he was horrible, but at least he wasn’t dull (unlike Kurt Warner and Rick Fox, who both have about as much personality as a pile of dirty socks).  Outside of Jennifer Grey‘s mini-meltdown during rehearsal and some fine Audrina Patridge boob action, last night’s edition was almost entirely lacking in entertainment value.  Well, okay, there was Len tearing apart Nickelodeon boy’s goofy Charlie’s Angels number.  And there was this atrocious Bristol Palin routine set to the theme song from The Monkees.  If Bristol isn’t gone tonight, then we’ll know Sarah rigged the voting somehow.

Margaret Cho wasn’t great on Dancing With the Stars, but you can’t tell me she was worse than The Situation, Bristol Palin, Kurt Warner and Rick Fox.  That being the case, why is Margaret gone while those people dance onward?  It couldn’t be because Margaret is a tattooed bisexual who made pro-gay statements on Monday night’s show?  Of course not…politics and social bias don’t enter into DWTS voting.  It’s all about the performances.

How boring was last night’s Dancing With the Stars?  Imagine Florence Henderson dancing a waltz to the song “Edelweiss” from The Sound of Music.  Yes, that actually happened.  But, even that was a hundred times more stimulating than listening to Audrina Patridge or Bristol Palin talk.  And Bristol actually makes a living doing speeches.  She should rent herself out as an insomnia cure instead.  Thankfully, The Situation was on-hand to break all the tedium.  What a genius move pairing him with that fish-lipped wack-job Karina Smirnoff.  A time machine?  Oh, perfect.

First David Hasselhoff, now Michael Bolton.  It’s been a tough couple of weeks for old kind of creepy guys on Dancing With the Stars.

If I were Kurt Warner, I wouldn’t get too comfortable.  I also wouldn’t try any routines that involve crawling around on my hands-and-knees like a dog.  That was by far the most shameful thing I’d ever seen on DWTS.  Until Bruno’s evisceration of Bolton, which actually topped it.

A weird scene last night on Dancing With the Stars:  Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough are getting their scores, when suddenly the audience starts booing.  For a second we think they’re booing the judges for not giving the adorable kids a high enough score, then the show cuts to Tom Bergeron sitting in the front row next to Sarah Palin…and we realize why they were really booing.  In defense of the unruly crowd members: I’m pretty sure the booing wasn’t political. They were just pissed at the traffic snarl caused by Palin’s motorcade. If Brad and Angie can travel around like regular people, surely Sarah Palin can.

I’m convinced there must be some nasty past history between Bruno and Michael Bolton…a spurned sexual advance or something of that type.  Bolton may not even remember what happened, but Bruno clearly does.  And last night, Bruno got his revenge.

If Len hadn’t stepped in, I believe Bruno would’ve leaped over the judges’ desk and attempted to rip Bolton’s throat out.  Damn you Len.