Elin Nordegren has, as they say, “broken her silence” about her ex-husband Tiger Woods and what it felt like having him cheat on her with all those skanks.

Sadly, it’s not as juicy as we wanted it to be.

The interview, featured in People magazine, is mostly about how Elin had no idea Tiger was fucking around on her, and how betrayed she felt when she found out.

“I never suspected, not a one,” Elin said of Tiger’s multiple now-well-documented affairs. “For the last 3 and a half years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school.”

And when she finally learned what a manslut she married?  “I felt stupid as more things were revealed — how could I not have known anything?  The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me.”

Elin also claims that, contrary to popular belief, she did not beat Tiger’s ass during that famous incident last Thanksgiving that ended with him crashing his SUV then passing out in the street like a sad hobo with a belly full of bathtub gin.

And she says that she’s not going to give anymore interviews.

So that means this puff-piece is all we’re ever going to get.  Never will Elin cut loose and tell us what she truly thinks of Tiger.  Never will she relate her dark fantasies about stringing him up in a barn and whipping him in the sack with a studded leather strap until he squeals like the pig that he is.

Too bad.  I was looking forward to the part where she finally broke him and cut him down and made him put on a dress and a little red wig with pigtails and dance around singing “I’m Pippi Longstocking, the happiest girl in all the town.”

But I guess she wants her privacy.  Spoil-sport.

Last Thanksgiving, Tiger Woods and wife Elin Noredgren became involved in a violent altercation, one that culminated in Tiger crashing his SUV through a mailbox and right into the tabloids.

The chain of events set in motion on that fateful night has now reached its logical end, the finalization of Tiger and Elin’s divorce.

Along the way, Tiger has seen his upstanding reputation evaporate, his prodigious golf game fall apart and his once-impressive list of endorsement deals shrink until there’s nothing left but Nike and possibly Chico’s Bail-Bonds.

But at least he still has Rachel Uchitel.  Oh wait, maybe he doesn’t.

As for Elin…now she can move back to Sweden with the kids and find herself a nice pale Scandinavian to raise reindeer with, or whatever the hell Scandinavians do for a living.

My guess is, whoever Elin lands with, he won’t be a golfer.  And they will never, ever eat at Perkins.

Wild reports in the media this week had Elin Nordegren walking away with $750 million as part of her divorce settlement with Tiger Woods.  In exchange for the three-quarters-of-a-billion, Elin would’ve reportedly agreed never to speak publicly about Tiger’s scandalous infidelities.

Well, if that $750 million figure seemed a little high to you…you were right, it was a little high.  $650 million high, to be exact.

The math majors among you will already have figured out that the real number is actually $100 million.  This according to TMZ.

TMZ also points out that, going by the last assessment, Tiger’s net worth is not even $750 million, but is somewhere between $500 and $600 million.

So, the $750 million number was never remotely realistic.  Still, $100 million for Elin to keep her mouth shut about what happened Thanksgiving night…not a bad payday.

As for Tiger…don’t cry for him.  He will still have his riches, and his golf career which, if he ever gets back on track, will pay him many more millions in the coming years.

And, best of all, with Elin ready to walk, he is now free to fuck as many waitresses, porn stars and random gold-digging skanks as he wishes, without fear of getting his face re-arranged via 7-iron.

Jim Nantz is mildly annoyed, and isn’t going to take it anymore.  I’m talking about the normally bland and corporate CBS announcer’s reaction to Tiger Woods‘ series of verbal outbursts during this year’s Masters.  In a break with his usual nutless form, Nantz ripped into Tiger, telling WFAN’s Mike Francesa:

If I said what he said on the air, I would be fired. I read in the USA Today and it was called “mild language.” Someone on my broadcast dismissed it as him having a camera in his face. Well, guess what? Phil Mickelson had a camera in his face all week and did you even hear him come close to approaching that? He didn’t hit every shot the way he wanted. Have you ever heard Arnold Palmer or Jack Nicklaus use that kind of language? What are the parameters between what’s right or wrong?

In defense of Tiger:  Nicklaus and Palmer played in the centuries before television or profanity were invented, and Mickelson…let’s just say, whatever he takes to mellow before teeing-off, it’s obviously stronger than what Tiger takes.  But to be serious for a moment – I think Nantz has a point.  Tiger did promise everyone he would stop swearing, and what he did do?  Swore.  This is naturally going to make people wonder what other promises Tiger is breaking.  How about that promise to not be an adulterous shithead anymore?  If Tiger keeps that one as well as he kept the swearing one, Elin is going to have another go at him with a 7-iron.  Clearly, Tiger’s golf self-discipline is much stronger than his mouth and penis self-discipline.  Perhaps Buddhism can help.  Or growing the hell up.

Jim Carrey was bored yesterday and decided he would use Twitter to weigh in on Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren‘s marital issues.  Unlike the majority of humanity, Carrey is on Team Tiger.  Carrying the flag for this band of scrappy misfits, Carrey proclaimed, “No wife is blind enough to miss that much infidelity. Elin had 2 b a willing participant on the ride 4 whatever reason. kids/lifestyle.”  I don’t know what sort of thought process Jim went through in formulating this opinion, but he seems to have left out one important fact:  Elin’s violent meltdown last Thanksgiving, which left Tiger’s car, face and reputation wrecked (none beyond repair).  A wife who knows all along doesn’t suddenly go nuts with rage and attack the cheating husband.  A wife who knew nothing, then found out in a very nasty way, like having it show up in the National Enquirer?  She’s the one who picks up the golf club, and not because she’s planning to get in a quick nine before sun-up.  In my mind, all the evidence points to Elin having been in the dark all along.  It’s too easy to just dismiss Elin as a trophy wife who got the goods and now has no reason to complain.  Frankly, it smacks of chauvinism.  And it makes us wonder what really went on between Carrey and his own now-ex-girlfriend Jenny McCarthy.  It makes us wonder what bad behavior Carrey is trying to make himself feel less guilty about.  Come on Jim, use Twitter for something a little more interesting than taking pot-shots.  Fess up, funny man.

Elin Nordegren will not be with Tiger Woods as he goes for another green jacket this week at the Masters in Augusta…but he shouldn’t feel too lonely, with his contingent of 90 bodyguards surrounding him.  Yes, I said 90.  But before you go accusing Tiger’s camp of being a tad excessive in the security department, remember that Tiger is, after all, the most important human being in the history of the universe.  So, actually, 90 is probably a bit on the low side.  But, it’s not like retired secret service agents and former FBI people looking for a paycheck grow on trees.  I’m sure they would’ve hired more if they could’ve found more.  90 will have to do.  I just hope they can handle Elin if she does decide to show up – girl’s got mad ninja club-swinging skills.  I’d shoot to kill if I were them.  There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded Swede.

What has Elin Nordegren been doing with herself while her husband Tiger Woods‘ life crumbles magnificently around him?  According to Radar Online, your #1 source for Tiger Woods stalking, she has been partying in Orlando with her friends.  Actually, “partying” is a relative term in this case.  Many of you probably associate that word with wild activities like dancing on pool tables with your pants off while people try to hit you in the face with ice cubes.  But clearly, Radar Online does not.  To them, a bunch of bored-looking ladies sitting around a hotel dinner table screams “party.”  Who knows though?  Maybe after the door closed some Cristal got broken out and some male dancers cartwheeled in.  It would’ve been nice for Radar to get pictures of that part, but they only got the other part that looks like your mom’s birthday party at the Holiday Inn dining room.  At least we know Elin hasn’t gone brunette or gotten her lip pierced.