Jennifer Lawrence plays a feisty Ozark hill-person in the Oscar-nominated Winter’s Bone. But in real life? She’s actually a feisty Kentucky hill-person who cleans up real pretty and wants to have sex with her brother. Hold on a second, Jennifer Lawrence wants to have sex with her brother? Well no, actually, what she said was that she’s “attracted to her brother.” Because she’s from Kentucky. Hey Kentucky, don’t get mad at me, that’s what she said. I personally have never been to Kentucky and have no idea if the stories are true about brothers having sex with sisters and producing albino vampire children that have to go live in caves away from prying eyes and sunlight. I just know that Jennifer Lawrence is now a little hotter than she was yesterday. I hope she brings her brother to the Oscars so we can have a repeat of Angelina Jolie and James Haven playing tonsil hockey and making everyone vomit.

The city of Detroit is tired of looking like a hellhole that only photographers searching for awesome urban decay shots to post on Flickr would want to visit. But what’s the remedy? Let Banksy run wild with a can of spray paint and market the place as one huge post-modern art project? No…too latte-sippingly pretentious. Detroit needs something tougher, something that says “This is Detroit and you better not mess with us or else we will shoot you in the face (unless you are an employee of OCP in which case our fourth directive will prevent us from harming you).”  I’ve got it: a RoboCop statue! It will be just like Philadelphia’s Rocky statue except it will not be gay. Oh…it appears someone already suggested this idea to Detroit mayor Dave Bing. And Bing shot it down? On Twitter? Sorry Detroit, it looks like you won’t get your RoboCop statue as long as Dave Bing is your mayor. You better vote him out of office or kidnap him and chop his head off.  Only joking about the kidnapping him and chopping his head off thing! Don’t really do that Detroit. Detroit? Can you hear me? Do you still have internet there? Have the mutant rats eaten through the wires again?

An epic fail for Kim Kardashian at the Prince concert in Madison Square Garden Monday night. Prince pulls Kim on-stage during the Mingling With the Unwashed Masses part of the program, but instead of dancing like the other shrieking rubes, Kim just stands there frozen and helpless like Kourtney trying to pick out an ice cream flavor. Dance Kim! You’re on-stage with Prince! This is your chance to prove you’re more than just a human urinal! Bah…no dancing? Be gone from the presence of the Purple One you large-assed grand-daughter of a pack-mule.

The identity of the kid who played Darth Vader in that absurdly adorable Super Bowl ad was not kept a secret for very long. This morning on the Today Show the little actor revealed his face and…surprise, it wasn’t Justin Bieber! It was…some little obnoxious-looking blond kid. I smell Home Alone remake.

This weekend Justin Bieber made the official jump from pop culture phenomenon to sickeningly over-exposed pop culture phenomenon. Pretty much wherever you went on the internet or TV the last couple days, there was Bieber, doing his Bieber things. On Saturday Night Live he clowned with the Church Lady. During the Super Bowl he clowned with Ozzy Osbourne. In the real world he walked around holding hands with his girlfriend Selena Gomez (who he absolutely is not having sex with because that would be, you know, illegal). And I’m pretty sure if you look really closely at the footage from Egypt you can see him throwing Molotov cocktails at Anderson Cooper. Kid gets around.

photo credit: Pacific Coast News

Drink Brisk or Eminem will shoot you in the face.

That steroid controversy was nothing Alex Rodriguez. Just wait till this video of Cameron Diaz feeding you popcorn goes viral. Then you’ll know what hatred is.

Throwing things at people’s faces is funny. Evidently.

A guy loves Doritos so much he is willing to suck the nacho cheese dust from a man’s finger and snort it off the ass of another man’s pants. This makes me want to move to Venus.

Dallas should never host the Super Bowl again and Christina Aguilera should never sing the National Anthem. Can we at least all agree on these two things? Finally, some common ground in this politically-divided country.