Jesse James, you are not welcome.

That’s the message the people of Austin, Texas want to convey to the man who broke Sandra Bullock‘s heart, after learning of his plan to relocate to their fair city.

And why would a California guy like Jesse want to move to Austin anyway?  Because that’s where Sandra spends much of her time, and according to Jesse, he wants his kids to be able to visit her.

Not surprisingly, many are accusing Jesse of stalking Sandra to Austin.  This could include Jesse’s ex-wife Janine Lindemulder who insists Jesse wants to win Sandra back.

Austinites don’t care what Jesse’s motives might be for picking their town as his new home.  They just want his lying, cheating ass to stay the hell out.

“If our girl leaves Austin forever because of that man, there will be a riot,” said one enraged member of Team Sandra.  “What she has done for our local community and great city is wonderful. Jesse better not be expecting anyone to roll out the welcome mat for him.”

Another Austin resident was even more blunt, saying, “Personally, I think he should move to the jungles of Africa and get mauled by a large animal.”

Does Jesse sense the hostility?  Or is his head shoved too far up his tattooed ass for him to realize how much people despise his Nazi-loving, porn-actress-screwing guts?

photo credit: AP

Sandra Bullock is ready to move on from the whole Jesse James mess.

America’s favorite wronged woman made not one but two awards appearances over the weekend, and at the MTV Movie Awards, told everyone she just wants things to get back to normal, and called on the media to “start making fun of her again.”

Then, just to give Jesse a good look at what he’s missing, she planted one on the lips of Scarlett Johansson.

Not that this means Sandra is forsaking men in favor of women, but…well, could you blame her if she did?

Sandra Bullock has kept herself almost entirely out of the public eye since news broke of the horrible way that scumsucker Jesse James broke her little heart.

But of course Sandy could not keep herself scarce forever.  She is after all a movie star and movie stars need to make appearances in front of cameras, preferably while accepting trophies.

And even though awards season officially ended a couple of months ago, Sandy managed to find someone willing to hand her a trophy in front of a camera.

So, Sandy got herself all dolled up and went on-stage.  And accepted a pair of golden deer antlers from Spike TV while surrounded by military dudes.

The soldiers were there to prevent Jesse James from getting any ideas about storming the stage.  You want a piece of this Jesse?  Didn’t think so, bitch.

Jesse James wants everyone to understand his reasons for cheating on Sandra Bullock.  Basically, says Jesse, he had a rotten childhood, and that made him grow up into a rotten guy.  “I was a terrorized kid,” Jesse explained in his big Nightline interview. “I was petrified of my dad … It wasn’t so much getting the shit beat out of me or getting my arm broken or getting kicked or whatever or punched, it was the in-between time. It was the fear of that happening again.”  So now you can’t hate him – you have to feel sorry for him.  You have to imagine him as a 12-year-old kid cowering in terror at his big nasty daddy coming to whup the bejesus out of him for some sadistic creepy reason.  Now do you see why he had to have sex with all those strippers and porn actresses while married to the only decent woman who would give his fucked-up ass the time of day?

Not so fast Jesse James you whining shitball!  There’s another side to this whole “childhood abuse turned me into a turd-bucket-from-hell” story – the side told by Jesse’s former stepmom Janina, who was with Jesse’s dad Larry from the time Jesse was seven.  According to Janina, none of the bad stuff about arms getting broken ever happened except in that twisted bullshit factory known as Jesse’s mind.  “Larry was the most caring father, the kindest father who would do anything for anybody,” Janina said.  ” He loved Jesse to death and would brag about him all the time.”  Janina says things only went bad between Larry and Jesse after Jesse and his high school buddy rolled a Fotomat and Larry turned them in.  Well yeah, I guess I can see how such a thing would sour you on your father, but enough to wrongfully accuse him of abuse years after the fact in a sad attempt at justifying your own lack of character?  Just when you thought Jesse James couldn’t sink any lower, he finds a way to outsleaze himself.

Jesse James is finally going to tell all.  Just going by this video promo, it appears the interview will include a lot of crying, and sincerity, and Jesse trying to make everyone feel sorry for him.  Well Jesse, I’m sorry, but it won’t work.  Me and the rest of the girls will always hate you for what you did to our darling Sandra Bullock, who is our best friend even if we’ve never met her.  I hope you and that Bombshell thing burn in hell for always.  Now pardon me while I shove another giant piece of cheesecake in my mouth.  There, that’s better.

Sandra Bullock is the center of the universe today, thanks to a People magazine exclusive that not only confirms her long-assumed intention to divorce Jesse James, but reveals that for the last few months she has been the proud mother of an adopted boy.  And the most shocking thing about this mindblowing string of revelations?  The kid she adopted isn’t from some impoverished African or Asian nation but is instead from New Orleans.  Yes celebrities, there are actually orphan children in America, amazing as that may seem.  Once again, Sandy shows every other famous person how it’s done.  At this point, everyone has entirely forgotten that for years Sandy’s name was synonymous with crappy movies and little else.  Not only is Sandy now America’s Sweetheart, she is threatening to retire the term “America’s Sweetheart” for all times.  After Sandy, people who achieve a similar status will have to come up with a new title:  “America’s Honeybunch” or “America’s Big Ol’ Tub of Awesome.”  Of course, every time Sandy goes up a notch in popularity, Jesse James sinks a little deeper into the tarpit of despisedness.  Soon he will be mired in the pit forever, with no hope of climbing back to even Andy Dick levels.  And I think everyone agrees that he deserves it, the no-self-discipline-having, freak-humping fraud.

Those who think it is still safe to dress up like a Nazi and attend hardcore punk rock concerts, pay close attention: Friday night in Philadelphia, three freedom-loving Americans who enjoy adorning themselves in Third Reich military regalia were reportedly beaten silly by a gang of thugs outside the club Khyber, where the punk band Murphy’s Law was performing.  Witnesses say the three men were mostly just mocked inside the show, but once they went into the street, out came the beer bottles.  Up to 50 people may have participated in the beating – nevertheless, Philly police say they got no report of an assault, and no one was hospitalized.  Some online postings have suggested the severity of the ass-kicking was exaggerated in other online postings.  I don’t know what the full truth is, I just know that I don’t want to live in a country where it’s not safe to impersonate Nazis.  The right to get cheap attention by dressing up like murderous anti-Semitic bastards is one of our most sacred.  Indeed, where would Jesse James and Bombshell McGee be without it?  There have to be consequences for these real violent thugs who pounded the crap out of the three guys pretending to be violent thugs, otherwise pretend violent thuggery will disappear from America, and then we will all be stuck dressing up like vampires and sexy nurses at Halloween, and that is no fun whatsoever.

He’s done Madonna, he’s gotten with Kate Hudson…and now Alex Rodriguez is reported to be dating Cameron Diaz.  For those who insist on such stories coming with details:  the New York Post says A-Rod and Cam met at a Super Bowl party and started flirting, then did the stuff people do after they’re done flirting.  And now they’re an item, though the Post says they are trying to keep it quiet, because A-Rod wants to “dispel his ladies’ man image.”  Well why the hell would he want to do that?  It’s not like people think of him as a dirtbag, like Jesse James or Tiger Woods.  He’s simply seen as a rich, obnoxious, somewhat vain athlete who is taking advantage of his time on earth.  And certainly, Cam Diaz and Kate Hudson represent a higher class of woman than that stuff Tiger and Jesse had sex with.  It’s pretty simple:  Do it with lots of disgusting skanks while married, people will think you’re an out-of-control creep.  Do it with cute actresses while divorced from your skanky wife who got mad at you for doing Madonna, people will think you’re just enjoying life.  So, A-Rod, there’s no reason for you and Cam to sneak around.  Unless you’ve got six other things going on the side and you don’t want them to know.

In case you had any doubt that Jesse James is a moron, Us Weekly has published an oldish picture of him in a Nazi cap doing the Nazi salute while holding his fingers to his lip in either an “I’m soooo naughty” pose or simulation of Hitler’s mustache.  Well, you might say, that doesn’t prove anything, except that Jesse has a bad sense of humor.  Same deal with Bombshell McGee:  she may have posed for some pictures dressed in Nazi regalia, but that doesn’t prove she’s a white supremacist.  Sometimes people like dressing up like Nazis and acting like Nazis, not because they are Nazis themselves, but because they enjoy shocking people…you know, the same way children do.  Which is fine, except that, when you pass a certain age, such behavior stops being a natural expression of adolescent rebelliousness and starts being really sad and pathetic.  Jesse James doesn’t need sensitivity training, he needs to grow the eff up.

Several weeks after Bombshell McGee first outed Jesse James as a lying cheating dirtbag, Sandra Bullock has reportedly made up her mind to divorce the bastard.  Now comes the part where I admit that the report is from Radar Online who are citing the ever-popular “source close to the star.”  But this one seems pretty certain to be true – I mean, seriously, why would Sandra stay with Jesse James?  Maybe she could forgive his transgressions with Bombshell, but with the three other women who’ve come forward since?  Sandra’s got to know that, if there are four, there are probably way more than four.  Clearly, Jesse is a serial messer-arounder, and does not take marriage seriously.  And think of how happy we thought they were when he was sitting there gazing lovingly upon her as she accepted her Oscar!  I’ll never forgive him for breaking Sandy’s heart.