For 8 years Macaulay Culkin was good enough for Mila Kunis.  Then Mila started getting Oscar buzz for her performance in Darren Aronofsky‘s brainfuck ballet flick Black Swan and…Mila was gone faster than you can say “Mila Kunis was fucking the kid from Home Alone?  For 8 years?  And no one noticed?”  Did I mention that Mila totally gets it on with Natalie Portman in Black Swan except it might only be a dream but you don’t care because it’s Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman totally getting it on?  Also, do you remember when Macaulay Culkin was Michael Jackson‘s best little friend?  Can you say “permanent emotional scarring?”  And now he broke up with Mila Kunis too.  Poor guy.

Michael Jackson would’ve loved this.  You know how he dug uniforms.  Links…

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Revelations continue to come out about Michael Jackson that, had they emerged while he lived, would’ve resulted in even more scandal and professional disaster for the one-time King of Pop.

The new one involves Jacko’s fascination with Adolf Hitler and the infamous Nazi regime, and specifically, his love of Nazi-related movies.

According to a memorabilia dealer who worked with Jackson, the pop star spent thousands of dollars over the years building up a stash of often hard-to-find Nazi documentaries and other films related to the Third Reich. Included in Michael’s treasured flick collection were such classic titles as Nazis: Of Pure Blood, Oasis of the Zombies and Hitler’s Children.

Interestingly, Michael reportedly was completely unashamed about owning these movies, and used to display them openly at Neverland.

And, according to memorabilia man Norman Sherer, the one who helped Michael put together his collection, Jacko’s Nazi obsession went beyond just the movies.  Sherer says Michael’s oft-discussed love of military-style costumes stemmed from his fascination with Hitler, and Sherer also claims that Jackson enjoyed goose-stepping in the familiar Nazi style.

This is not the first time the names Michael Jackson and Adolf Hilter have been connected in a creepy way.  In an interview released after his death, Jackson described Hitler as a “genius” and claimed, if given a chance, he could’ve talked the deranged dictator into being a better guy.

Michael Jackson trying the talking cure on Adolf Hitler.  That’s one movie I would pay a shitload of money to see.

Michael Jackson did some pretty messed-up stuff in his day.  But the messed-up stuff he did was nothing compared to the messed-up stuff he would’ve done had science only allowed it.

Of all the late lamented pedophile’s impossible dreams, one towered over all others for sheer audacity and sci-fi-villain-like twistedness.  The story goes like this:

Michael loved his chimp Bubbles, but was upset that Bubbles couldn’t actually talk.  So, Michael called in a team of throat specialists to see if it might be possible to give Bubbles vocal cords.

Because no doctor ever refuses a chance to make money off a lunatic, the specialists listened.  And consulted.  And examined.  And charged.

Finally, the doctors’ ethics overtook their greed, and they were forced to tell Jacko that his plan was deranged and, thankfully, impossible to undertake.

With the surgical solution off the table, MJ had to settle for paying trainers to teach Bubbles how to speak.  Unfortunately, evolution refused to catch up with Michael’s desire for a talking chimp friend, and the best Bubbles could manage was the occasional mindless grunt.

Insane Michael Jackson supporters will insist this is another story that has been fabricated just to smear their hero.  But the rational among us know the truth.  That guy was bonkers.

Newsflash:  Chris Brown was faking it when he cried for himself while paying tribute to Michael Jackson at the BET Awards.

Though everyone already knew Brown was a phony, we didn’t realize how deep his phoniness went.  But now we do.

Thanks to a witness who was near Brown backstage before his performance, we now know that he used eyedrops to bring the eyerollingly cheesy tears.

“He rubbed it in and he started crying,” the witness bluntly describes.

Brown’s rep denies the eyedrop claim, saying Brown cried because he was moved by the chance to pay tribute to his idol.

So here we have two gigantic PR blunders by Chris Brown.  Number 1, he fake-cries using eyedrops.  Number 2, he admits that he idolizes a child molesting freak.

I’ve got an idea Chris:  why don’t you film yourself crushing a kitten to death in a vice.

Michael Jackson‘s famous pet chimp Bubbles now resides in some kind of animal preserve – because if he were released back into the wild, he would just get his ass kicked by all the other chimps for hanging out with Michael Jackson.

Because Bubbles’ cage-bound life wasn’t miserable enough already, someone came up with the bright idea of sending Michael’s sister La Toya Jackson to visit him.  And filming it.

In this clip, La Toya talks to Bubbles in a baby-talk voice – a good way to enrage a chimp until he tries to eat your face off – then cries…mostly for herself, I’m guessing.  Interestingly, Bubbles doesn’t seem to recognize La Toya at all.  I guess that puts all those “La Toya is really Michael in drag” rumors to bed once and for all.

It only took a year, but Joe Jackson has finally decided who was truly responsible for his son Michael Jackson’s death.

Not Dr. Conrad Murray, the one who administered the drugs that finally did Michael in.

Not society for refusing to understand Michael’s eccentricities.

Not himself for ruining Michael’s childhood and turning him into a crazy person who finally couldn’t handle life.

No, it was Michael’s mother Katherine who really killed Michael.  By not cheering him up enough.

Well, I’m glad that’s been settled.

Those who were hoping for a reconciliation between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James can pretty much forget it – Sandra is clearly not moving back in with Jesse, and now, both she and James are shopping for legal representation.  Sandra is said to be high on famed celebrity divorce lawyer Lance Spiegel, who has handled Charlie Sheen and Michael Jackson in the past.  Jesse’s camp, meanwhile, says he has no intention of initiating proceedings himself, and will only retain a lawyer if Sandra hands him the papers.  And to think, just a couple weeks ago, Sandra was on top of the movie world, an Oscar-winner and an apparently contented wife.  And now her entire life is in the crapper, all because she wasn’t willing to get as freaky as some tattoo model.  Next time, she needs to put her sense of self-worth on hold and just let her man poop in her mouth, or whatever other sick crap he wants to do.  Otherwise he’ll be on top of the first pathetic fame-whore head-case he can find.

Before his shocking drug-related death, Michael Jackson‘s career was pretty much in the toilet.  Since that shocking drug-related death?  The once-disgraced Michael has staged possibly the most stunning comeback in the history of music – a comeback that has culminated with the pop star’s estate signing a $200 million deal with Sony Music Entertainment.  As far as I know, this deal does not call for Michael to be reanimated so he can record more stuff – that would be well within the capabilities of current horror movie villain technology, but way beyond real life science, which has yet to unlock the secret of immortality despite having Larry King‘s DNA on file.  And even if Michael could be brought back from the dead, I’m guessing his gravy-trainers would prefer to keep him on ice.  He was always getting into embarrassing scrapes when he was alive – now, unless the little boys dig him up and start doing bad things, you’re pretty much home-free on the publicity front.  It’s a win-win for the Jackson heirs.  Sorta makes you suspicious.

I don’t want to alarm people living in South Carolina, but, James Brown‘s body has disappeared from the temporary crypt where his daughter was keeping it, and now it’s possible that zombie James Brown is lurking somewhere in your backyard waiting to eat your brains or perhaps entertain you with one of his soul classics.  All right, I confess – zombies aren’t real.  I made up the zombie James Brown thing because, frankly, him becoming one of the undead would be a more dignified fate than what has apparently actually happened to his corpse:  according to his daughter Deanna, the body has been stolen and stashed away by people who don’t want an autopsy performed on it, because an autopsy would reveal that he didn’t actually die of a heart attack but was felled by drugs.  Says Deanna, if the drug truth came out, the people who were supposed to be taking care of James at the time of his death would be outed as the same kind of creeps who did in Michael Jackson.  This is why, when I die, I want to be floated out to sea on a raft and eaten by sharks.  No postmortem drama, plus being eaten by sharks would be cool.