Canadians and U.S. Americans traditionally agree on almost nothing – mostly because Canadians are wrong about everything – but I’m pretty sure the people of both countries are together on this:  the Canadian women’s hockey team shouldn’t have had to apologize for drinking beer and champagne on the ice after winning a gold medal at the Olympics.  And yes, I know one of the members of the team is 18 and the legal drinking age in British Columbia is 19, but so what?  She was celebrating with her teammates after winning a freaking gold medal – if ever there was an occasion to let a thing that slide, that would be it.  But no, the IOC and COC, being full of PC jerks, did not just do the right thing and let it go – they made a big prudish Ladies Temperance League-like stink, and forced the team to shake off their hangovers and say they are sorry.  Sorry!  For being happy and having a few swigs of Molson!  Why not make them apologize for their goofy accents and affection for round bacon while you’re at it?  Dorks.

Figure skater Johnny Weir has come in for a lot of crap during this year’s Olympics.  First the PETA jerks took him to task for using animal fur in his outfits, then a bunch of a-hole broadcasters started making jokes about his sexuality and even floated the idea that he needs to undergo a gender test to confirm his maleness (what is he, a South African runner?).  Rather than sit there and quietly endure these insults, Weir decided to hold a press conference and speak in a frank and heartfelt manner about the situation.  I’d say he put the haters in their place pretty effectively.  You go girl!

Thanks to saturation coverage of the Winter Olympics, I now know several more things about Danish curling skip Madeleine Dupont than I did a couple weeks ago:

1.  That she exists.

2. That she has a sister who is also Danish and blonde.

3.  That she has a mole on the side of her breast.

4.  That she tends to crumble when 6,000 Canadians start yelling at her.

Apparently, someone forgot to tutor the new Canadian curling fans on proper curling fan etiquette, which calls for inside voices at all times.  Some might be able to tune all that noise out, but not Madeleine Dupont, who missed two game-winning shots thanks in part to the din generated by so many Canadians jacked up on beer and mindless nationalism.  “I could not control the weight on the last shot in the 10th,” Dupont pouted after losing to Canada 5-4. “It should have been way slower, but when there are 6,000 people yelling, it’s pretty hard to find out how hard you kick off. It’s just so hard to focus. You’re trying, but it’s just not the same as if it was silent.”

In the name of fair play, Canadian curling fans should henceforth imagine that they are not at an Olympic curling match at all but a New Jersey Nets game.  That’s a quiet that could chill the soul.

Curling has become the buzziest sport at the Olympics, no thanks to the American teams, who have been choking away potential victories at a rate that would embarrass even Brett Favre.  And really, what is there not to like about curling?  It combines things many people really enjoy:  ice, polished rocks, brooms, obscure rules that require multiple Googlings to even begin to understand, cute Danish girls in skirts and tights.  Yes, cute Danish girls in skirts and tights.  As a matter of fact, many of the curlers, male and female, are quite snappy items – maybe not ready-for-the-SI-swimsuit-issue snappy, but still, pretty attractive.  Of course, when so many young, relatively fit, not-entirely-ugly people are jammed into a space as small as the Olympic village in Vancouver, sex is bound to ensue.  Lots of sex – possibly involving brooms.

Okay, basically, there’s a giant curler orgy going on right now in Vancouver, which opens up the possibility of some nasty stuff getting passed around (especially when there are so many Europeans involved).  The U.S. Curling Association, being an enlightened and forward-thinking organization, anticipated the potential for its athletes having wild Olympic sex and catching something – which is why they decided to get out ahead of the problem, and create their own line of condoms.  No, I’m not kidding – the U.S. Curling Association has their own condoms.  They’re called “Hurry Hard,” and they even feature a cute smiling-curling-stone logo.  Yes, curlers are that cool.  And over-sexed.  Which is why I fully expect curling to explode in America.

It’s hard to become a star if you’re an Olympic curler, and doubly-hard if you’re an Olympic curler from Norway.  Unless of course you are willing to make the kind of wacky fashion statement that gets attention from people who don’t actually care about the games – then you might have a shot.  The risk, obviously, is that your oddball fashion choice will over-shadow your performance on the ice.  Sure, it’s great to be known for wearing ugly-ass pants, but in the end, you want your greatness at sweeping a broom furiously and for no apparent reason in front of a giant sliding stone to be your legacy.  And there’s one other crucial thing to keep in mind:  whatever you do, don’t incorporate animal fur into your flashy outfit.  Johnny Weir found out the hard way – those animal rights activists are seriously messed-up and will not give you a free pass just because you’re gay.